What did the horse say after it tripped?
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!
----------
Why should you never play poker in the jungle?
There are way too many cheetahs!
---------
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
----------
What do you call an angry carrot?
A steamed veggie.
----------
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snowbank.
----------
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it!
----------
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
----------
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-ntain.
----------
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
----------
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two tired.
----------
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
----------
Why do you say "RIP" to water that is boiling?
Because it will be mist!
----------
You have heard it said that "time flies like an arrow".
But I say "fruit flies like a bananas!"
----------
Yesterday, I ordered a chicken and an egg online.
I’ll let you know what comes first.
----------
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She kept running away from the ball!
----------
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.
----------
What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet.
----------
Where was King David’s temple located?
Beside his ear.
----------
What did one toilet say to another?
You look flushed.
----------
What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.
----------
What does corn say when it gets a compliment?
Aw, shucks!
----------
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
----------
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, because it croaks every day.
----------
A bossy man walked into a bar…
And ordered everyone a round.
----------
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
1forrest1.
----------
What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.
----------
What do you call a pig that practices karate?
A pork chop.
----------
Do you know what they say about a clean desk?
It's a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
----------
How did the barber win the race?
He knew a short cut.
----------
I told my friend 10 very dry jokes to make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
----------
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
Come on! Ketchup!
----------
Why you write never try to write with a broken pen?
Because it’s pointless.
----------
Why can't you trust the king of the jungle?
Because he's always lion.
----------
What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you at the corner."
----------
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
----------
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry!
----------
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they just ARRRR!
----------
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
----------
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
----------
What do cows read the most?
Cattle-logs.
----------
I lost an electron.
You really have to keep an ion them!
----------
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunder pants!
----------
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
----------
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
----------
What did the drummer name her twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2.
----------
What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me!
----------
What’s small and red and has a rough voice?
A hoarse raddish!
----------
Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
Because they are such fungis.
----------
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
Because there are too many ears listening!
----------
Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?
Because he always got lost at “C.”
----------
How bad were the fish’s grades?
They were below sea level.
----------
What do you call houseshoes made out of bananas?
Slippers.
----------
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can’t put it down.
----------
What kind of cheese isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
----------
What does a spy do when he is cold?
He goes undercover.
----------
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
----------
When do computers overheat?
When they need to vent.
----------
Why did the farmer win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
----------
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
Mistle-toes.
----------
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
----------
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
Depresso.
----------
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
----------
What did the cucumber say to the pickle?
You mean a great dill to me.
----------
Where did the lettuce go for a drink?
The salad bar.
----------
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!
----------
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum?
He has a meltdown.
----------
What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
Stairs.
----------
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crumby.
----------
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
SUPPLIES!
----------
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.
----------
What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?
“Oh, snap!”
----------
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
----------
Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants.
----------
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one.
----------
How do rabbits travel?
They go on a hareplane.
----------
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.
----------
Why did the kid stock up on yeast?
He wanted to make some dough.
----------
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarterback!
----------
Why are elephants wrinkly?
Because you can’t iron them.
----------
What did the cake say to the fork?
You want a piece of me?
----------
How did the two cats end their fight?
They hissed and made up.
----------
Why did the strawberry cry?
He found himself in a jam.
----------
What’s black and white and read all over?
A newspaper!
----------
What do you say to a cow that gets in your way?
“Moooo-ve!”
----------
What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?
58!
----------
What did the nut say to the other nut in a game of tag?
Imma cashew!
----------
Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!
----------
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
----------
Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?
It’s a big waist of space.
----------
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
----------
Why are peppers the best at archery?
Because they habanero!
----------
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It is either one or the udder!
----------
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
----------
Why can’t you trust duck doctors?
They’re all quacks.
----------
What do you call a musical bear?
A beartitone.
----------
Why don’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
----------
Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
----------
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't-opener!
----------
What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!
---------
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words!
----------
Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
They lactose!
----------
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
----------
Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
----------
Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web!
----------
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saw-us.
----------
How do you give a waterbed more bounce?
Just add SPRING water!
----------
116. What job did the frog have at the hotel?
He was a BELLHOP!
----------
Why don’t bananas ever feel lonely?
Because they all hang out in bunches.
---------
I am on a 30-day diet.
So far, I’ve lost 15 days.
----------
I'm not lazy...
I'm just on energy-saving mode.
----------
A cheese factory exploded in France.
Da-brie was everywhere.
----------
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman!
----------
What happens to an illegally parked frog?
It gets toad away.
----------
What kind of car does an egg drive?
A yolks-wagen!
----------
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality!
----------
Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
He was a little shellfish!
----------
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally!
----------
When does a duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
----------
What does a baby computer call his father?
Data!
----------
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk!
----------
Why was the bee's hair always sticky?
He used a honeycomb.
----------
What do you call phoney spaghetti?
An im-pasta.
----------
What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator!
----------
What vegetables are a sailor’s enemies?
Leeks!
----------
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn’t peeling well.
----------
What’s a firefly’s favorite dance?
The glitterbug!
----------
Where do roses sleep at night?
In their flowerbed!
----------
Why was the politician out of breath?
He was running for office!
----------
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
----------
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet koala-fications.
----------
Why can’t you play hockey with pigs?
They always hog the puck.
----------
What classical ballet did the pig pen perform?
Swine Lake.
----------
What’s a ballerina’s favorite number?
Two-two.
----------
How did the duck buy lipstick?
She just put it on her bill.
----------
What kind of tree can fit inside your hand?
A palm tree.
----------
What steals from you when you're in your bathtub?
A robber duckie.
----------
What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.
----------
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side of his head.
----------
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he will not be spotted.
----------
What did one volcano say to the other volcano?
I lava-you.
----------
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
----------
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage!
----------
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
----------
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
----------
What is the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven.
----------
Can February March?
No, but April May!
----------
Why is that picture in jail?
Because it was framed.
----------
Why is the math book sad?
It has too many problems.
----------
Who cleans the ocean?
Mer-maids!
----------
What has two legs but can’t walk?
A pair of pants.
----------
What do you call a bee that couldn’t make up his mind?
A may-bee.
----------
If I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. What am I?
I'm a faux pa.
----------
What do you call a lonely cheese?
Provolone.
----------
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
If they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
----------
Why did the turkey join a band?
So he could use his drumsticks.
----------
Why was the teenager no longer allowed online without a license?
Because he crashed his computer.
----------
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put a lox on it.
----------
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
----------
Did you hear about the guy giving away dead batteries?
They were free of charge.
----------
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”
-------
Some military leaders recently gave an AI app a difficult strategic tactical problem to solve and asked he pivotal question: should we ATTACK or RETREAT?
In just a few seconds the AI answered: "YES".
The generals looked at each other, and then submitted a second question: YES WHAT?
Instantly the AI responded: "SIR, YES SIR!"
--------
Bill: This morning, I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high on her forehead.
Phil: And...
Bill: She looked surprised!
------
Why should you never play poker at the zoo?
There are way too many cheetahs!
------
A ham sandwich walked into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
------
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires a "tweetment" and the other requires some "oinkment".
------
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
------
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
------
Why can’t someone have a nose that is 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
------
What do you call a factory that sells good products?
A: A satisfactory!
------
Why didn't the husband report his credit card was stolen?
Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
------
An older lady was driving when she was pulled over by the police. She asked the officer to let her off thout a ticket.
“Sorry ma’am but anyone over 55 get a citation.”
“What! No! That’s blatant age discrimination!” she shouted.
The officer explained, “Ma'am, what I'm talking about is anyone going over the 55 MPH speed limit gets a ticket.”
------
A 5th grade boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us." "And how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too," she said. "And grandpa and grandma?" he persisted. "Yes, the stork brought them too!" said the mom.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read: "This report was very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations!"
----------
"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." - Joan Rivers
----------
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.
“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.
“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”
----------
"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde
----------
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change to give me a reward."
-------------
Bill and Phil were eating lunch at a crowded cafeteria which had a large sign reading: "Watch Your Coat and Hats."
Bill kept watching his coat and hat but Phil did not.
Phil said, "Why are you watching our coats and hats so much? I doubt anyone is going to take them."
Bill said, "I'm only watching mine, some guy just walked out with yours."
-----------
My niece calls me "Uncle Ankles"...
I call her my Knees.
-----------
At long last the boss was compelled to call his salesman into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your mother to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed the salesman. "I didn't realize it... you don't suppose she's faking being sick, do you?"
-----------
Two cowboys were lost in the desert when they spotted a tree with what they thought was draped in bacon strips.
"We're saved!" shouted one cowboy. But when he ran up to the tree, he was shot multiple times.
It turns out it wasn't a bacon tree after all. It was a "ham-bush".
-----------
LITTLE KNOWN LAWS:
The Law Of The Shortest Line - If you try to pick the shortest line at the grocery store, the one you rejected will move faster than the one you selected.
The Law of the Bathtub - When you are fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
The Law of the Auto - When you take your car into the repair shop, it won't make the noise that it did on the way there.
The Law of Selective Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the area.
The Law of Repairs - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
----------
What happens when a bunch of cougars loses their hearing?
They become Def Leppards!
----------
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space.
Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
----------
People say that money is not the key to happiness...
But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
----------
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“…Which bus would I take home?”
----------
Wife: Why are you late?
Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Husband: No, I was standing on it waiting for the next bus.
----------
Teen #1: I took the girl you set me up with to a matinee, we watched the Wizard of Oz. Afterwards we went to brunch.
Teen #2: Sounds great, will there be a second date?
Teen #1: I don’t think so, during the meal she kept clicking her heels together three times saying, "I want to go home".
----------
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.
He opens the door to a small office and paid his money. When he went on the cruise they but him in a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean. "Well, this sucks," he says out loud.
A second man floats by, also in a barrel. "Tell me about it!" the second man replies. "This is year's cruise is even worse than last year's!"
----------
Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!
Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.
Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!
Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?
----------
My doctor's diagnosis was that I have high blood pressure.
I took that diagnosis with a grain of salt.
----------
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Oh I'm sorry," responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
----------
My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25 cents apiece.
Everyone called him Quarter Roy.
----------
I had always prided myself on being an "on time" person for all events. One morning I overslept and rushed around getting ready for Sunday school. As I ran out the door, my wife was yelling something to me.
"What?" I called back. "Don't slow me down, I don't' want to be late!"
"No you're not late," she responded. "You're a day early. It's Saturday morning."
----------
A dad was at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices and ask the salesperson a question.
“Cargo space?” he asks.
The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “No. Car no do that... car go on road.”
----------
Woman: I tell you, Doctor, even though I’m dieting, I’m still gaining weight!
Doctor: You might be pregnant.
Woman: What?! That can’t be, I use birth control pills!
Doctor: That’s not a hundred percent certain.
Woman: Then what is?
Doctor: Abstinence.
Woman: Ok. Would you write me a prescription for it?
----------
Bill: You look terrible today.
Phil: Yeah! I’ve got a bad case insomnia.
Bill: What’s keeping you awake at night?
Phil: It's my boss! He makes me so mad bugging me all day! Then, when comes time to go to bed, I’m so full of “I should’ve said..." I can’t get any shut-eye!
Bill: What’s he got against you anyway?
Phil: He says I keep falling asleep on the job.
----------
I read somewhere that it takes a village to raise a child...
Where is this village and is there a number I can call?
----------
Mom: How did you finally get our son to mow the lawn?
Dad: He asked me to borrow the car for his date to the dance tonight and I told him I’d lost keys in the grass but if he could find them, then he can borrow the car.
----------
At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.
Several times during his speech, he halted and finally said "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."
Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
----------
Bill: I'm reading a book called "Quick Money for Dummies"...
Phil: Who wrote it?
Bill: Robin Banks.
----------
Why can’t you put two half-dollars in your pocket?
Because two halves make a hole, and your money will fall out!
----------
I'm not a fan of spring cleaning.
Let's be honest, I'm also not into cleaning during the summer, fall, or winter either.
----------
One Sunday morning, the preacher saw little Johnny staring up at the large plaque in the church's foyer which was covered with names and small American flags.
The boy asked, "What is this?"
The preacher answered, "It's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service."
Little Johnny asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 11AM?"
----------------
Diner to waiter: Excuse me but I've been waiting for my breakfast for quite a while now. Will the pancakes be much longer?
Waiter to diner: No sir, they will still be round. Just like always.
-----------
A baby camel was born at the zoo last week with no hump. So they named him Humphrey.
-----------
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey... You know she's a keeper!
-----------
A man came back to the dealer where he had just bought a new car.
“I believe you told me that I have a guarantee with my new car if anything breaks during the first year you will replace it right?” he said.
“That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks for up to one year.”
“Great!", he said. "I need you to come to my house and install a new garage door.
-----------
And what about this irony?...
A member of the First Baptist Church hired a woman to do her housecleaning so she could volunteer to help watch the kids at their Mother's Day Out program.
It turns out she was helping take care of two of the children who belong to the woman who was doing her housecleaning!
-----------
Bill: Yesterday, I had $400 cash and our daughter called left a voicemail saying that she needed $300. Then, immediately after, our son called and left a voicemail saying that he needed $100.
Phil: And...
Bill: And so, I still have my $400 and the 2 voicemails!
-----------
Bob: Last night, I asked my wife when her birthday was.
Rob: And...
Bob: She said March 1st.
Rob: And...
Bob: So I walked around the room and asked her again.
--------------
Teacher: Who can tell me what is a forum?
Little Johnny: It's a two-um plus two-um!
-----------
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison:
Poison I, II and III would all kill you.
However Poison IV, would just make you really itchy!
-----------
BARBER: (To a long-haired teenager) Ok son. You're next.
TEENAGER: I'm not waiting for a haircut.
BARBER: What are you waiting for?
TEENAGER: Nothing. My Dad's looking for me and this is the last place in the world he would look.
-----------
Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?
Little Johnny: I just killed one. The rest flew away.
-----------
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
-----------
Bill: My wife texted me “I love U”.
Phil: How nice!
Bill: I texted her back, "That’s my favorite letter too."
----------
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?
"Tequila Mockingbird"
----------
Confucius say:
"Give a man a fish, and he’ll put it on Facebook." "Teach a man a fish, and he’ll put that on Facebook too." "Teach a man to cook a fish on the backyard grill and... (you guessed it!)
"Man who run behind car get exhausted."
"Man who run in front of car get tired."
"Man who eat cookies in bed have a crummy night."
----------
Girl to her new boyfriend: "Do you love me with all your heart and soul?"
Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!"
Girl to her new boyfriend: "Do you think I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world?"
Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!"
Girl to her new boyfriend: "Do you think my eyes are like shimmering pools of crystal?"
Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!"
Girl to her new boyfriend: "See, that's why I love you so much. You say the most beautiful things about me!"
----------
Wife to husband: "Let's go out antique shopping today. I'm feeling like Victorian."
Husband to wife: "No, we cannot!'
Wife to husband: "And why not?"
Husband to wife: "Because I'm feeling very Baroque!"
----------
I gave my father $100 for his birthday and wrote in his card, “Take this cash and buy yourself something that will make your life a little easier.”
So he went out and bought a Christmas present for his mother-in-law.
----------
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
----------
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is your costume. But what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "A sea sponge. I'm totally self-absorbed."
----------
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.
He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Dear Lord, are you STILL in there?!'"
-----------
My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.
We have since split up, I guess you can say "It’s all water under the fridge!"
----------
Father to Little Johnny: Didn’t you promise you wouldn't eat cookies before supper?
Little Johnny: Yes, father.
Father to Little Johnny: And didn’t you promise to be a good boy?
Little Johnny: Yes, father.
Father to Little Johnny: And didn’t I tell you what would happen if you broke your promise to be a good boy?
Little Johnny: Yes, father. But since I’ve broken my promise, I'll forgive you if you break yours.
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I went to a general store yesterday. However, I didn't buy anything specific.
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When I woke up this morning, my wife asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes".
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the heck did my roof go?"
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I'm really tired today. I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
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Yesterday, I looked in a thesaurus for the word "thesaurus". I think I felt the universe shudder a little bit.
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When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. Eventually, I was an only child.
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I was trying to daydream this morning. But my mind kept wandering.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and then I'll hook up with them later.
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I'm writing a book this year. I already have the page numbers done. Now, I just have to fill in the rest.
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When you think about it, every book is a children’s book if the child can read.
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My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. Who is the real winner here?
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I remember the day our local candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
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Yesterday, I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one. So I just got a cake and stuck the candles in it.
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Have you ever seen a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I heard there was a power outage at the department store yesterday. They said on the news that 20 people were trapped on the escalators for hours.
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Did you ever think that actually an escalator can never break. It just becomes a set of stairs.
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I think if an escalator breaks you should never see a sign that says, "Temporarily Out Of Order". It should just say, "This Escalator Is Now Just Temporarily Some Stairs. Sorry For The convenience".
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Last month I took my dog for a walk all the way from New York to Florida and back. I said to him "There, now you're done for the rest of your life".
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Eating white rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.
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Whenever I go into Subway, I always order a club sandwich. However, I always feel guilty about it because I've never really joined the club and I wonder how much longer I can get away with it.
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I got food poisoning yesterday but I haven't decided when I'm planning to use it.
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I bought my wife some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrapping Department and ask them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Last Spring, I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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I'm very sad! All my fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them enough.
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I saw a commercial on TV that said, "Forget everything you know about new flooring". So I did, and it was a big load off of my mind.
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I bought a donut yesterday and they gave me a receipt for the donut. However, I told them I didn't need a receipt for the donut. I told them, "I'll just give you the money, and you just give me the donut. End of discussion. We don't need to waste ink and paper on this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut!
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Last week, I bought a king-sized bed. Then I began to think about it. I personally don't know any kings, except for King Charles. However, if he ever came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. I'd tell him, Oh, you're King Charles? Well, you won't believe this but I have a king-size bed! And, guess what? It's to your EXACT specifications!"
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Fred: I’ve invented a car that runs on water.
Ed: Why does it have such huge balloon tires?
Fred: So it can run on water! DUH!
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My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...
As you might have already guessed, my dog is a member of Congress!
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Fred: You know, everyone's heard of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as the ninth reindeer, but many people don't know that there is a tenth one whose name was Olive.
Ned: Olive? Really?
Fred: Oh yeah! You know... "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."
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Bill: Have you been shopping at the mall this Christmas?
Phil: No, it's WAAAAY too crowded! What about you?
Bill: Yeah, I have. And while I was there I saw a spaceman.
Phil: What do you mean you saw a spaceman?
Bill: I was driving around for about 10 minutes and then I saw a space man so I parked in it before anyone else could grab it!
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Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.
Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television.
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The math teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?"
After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left."
The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?
Johnny replied again, "Two left."
Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away."
Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!"
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Patient: Doctor, I'm thinking that I may be losing my hearing.
Doctor: Can you tell me what you know of the symptoms?
Patient: Yes, it's a very popular show on tv. Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair, Bart is a smart alec and Lisa is a sweetheart...
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A man went into a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went into it.
The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"
The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."
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“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords so l had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
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Bob and Rob are golfing, when a bird flies overhead.
"Wow! What a big duck!" Bob says. "That's no duck, it's a goose." Rob says.
"No, it's a duck!" Bob says. "I say it's a goose!" Rob says. And so the argument went. "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!"
Another golfer behind them, playing the hole, yells, "Fore!" and hits the ball.
Bob sees the ball coming and yells, "Duck!"
Rob yells back, "Goose!"
BONK!
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Have you ever wondered how a fire-breathing dragon blows out the candles on their birthday cake?
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Bob: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Rob: That's easy. Anybody can roast beef!
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A woman is walking along the beach with her children, appearing to be looking for something. At this moment, a lifeguard comes up to them. ""I've noticed you seemed to be looking for something," he says.
"Yes, my husband is missing," the woman replies with concern. "My kids buried him in the sand and now we can't find him."
"Do you remember where you were sitting?" the lifeguard asks. The woman looks up at him incredulously. "Don't be silly, how can I remember where we were sitting a year ago?"
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Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: He must be very smart!
Me: Not really, I've already beat him two games out of three!
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When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"
Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent so we don't sound them out."
During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her meatloaf in a plastic container & asked me to heat it in microwave in the cafeteria. But I ate all the meatloaf and returned her an empty container.
Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I asked you to HEAT my food... not to EAT my food!"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."
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Bill: Whatcha been doing lately?
Phil: I won a million dollars in the Lottery and was so thankful that I donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.
Bill: REALLY?!
Phil: Yeah. I did but I still have $999,999.75 left.
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Bill: Whatcha been doing lately?
Phil: I had an accident last week.
Bill: Really? What happened?
Phil: I was driving through the mountains in an area I had never been in before and my GPS told me to turn around.
Bill: And...
Phil: So I did, but I couldn't see where I was going and I ran off the road!
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Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."
"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.
She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."
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When I got home from work today I found my kids were still on Ebay.
If they are still there tomorrow, I will lower the price.
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We told the contractor who was doing our whole-house renovation over and over again not to carpet our steps….
But he just kept giving us blank stairs!
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What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"?
Iron Man" is a Marvel superhero.
"Iron Woman" is a verbal command from days gone by.
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Somebody once told me, "Follow your dreams!"
So I said "Great advice!!"
And then I went back to bed.
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John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even need glasses."
Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"
John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."
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Woman answering the phone: "Hello?"
Unknown male voice: "We have your son and you'll have to pay us $25,000 to get him back."
Woman: "But we don't have a son."
Unknown male voice: "Then who just asked for warm milk, made us cut the crust off his sandwiches and gave us your number to call you?"
Woman: "Oh, you have my husband. You'll have to pay ME the $25,000 before you can return him."
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Son: Dad, You are my hero.
Dad: Really?
Son: Yes. Can you give me an autograph with your eyes closed?
Dad: Well, yes, of course.
Son: That's great! Then here, close your eyes and sign my report card.
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Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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Inflation is so high I just saw a burglar breaking into his own house.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
He said: “Im having to work from home now.
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Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.
Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television.
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When my young adult son worked part time in a hardware store between his college classes, a man came in to buy 5 gold hooks for hanging some plants for his wife. But the store only had 2 gold ones, 5 silver ones and 6 white ones.
My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, "Maybe you could use the silver or white ones instead."
The customer smiled and said, "Thank you but I can tell that you're not married."
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The trouble with instant gratification is that it takes way too long."
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The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?"
"No champ, I never did."
"That's a good thing."
"You're telling me," began grandpa, "I was the cook!"
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Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
Must be all the indoor-fins.
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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I welcome you into the family!” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out!”
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