DadJokes

It sold for $140 million, but to some, Pollock’s “No. 5, 1948” looked like a... "“MESS”- TERPIECE"!

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Yesterday, I lost my job at the bank. An old man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

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Last week I lost my job at the podium store. It was a job I just couldn't stand behind.

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I also lost my job at the calendar factory. My supervisor said I was taking too many days off.

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I last fall I lost my job as a corn maze designed. It seems that kept getting lost in my work.

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My brother just lost my job as an electrician. He was shocked!

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My sister lost her job as a psychic. See said she didn't see it coming!

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Last year, I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, families were getting upset whenever I was saying “smoking” or “non-smoking”

instead of "burial" or “cremation”.

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I also lost my job as an astronomer. And I thought my work was looking up!

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When I was just out of college, I lost my job as an internet thief. Seem that I just couldn’t hack it!

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My uncle lost his job as a human cannonball. Yep! You guessed it! They fired him!

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My brother-in law lost his job as a garbage collector. He had no training but he thought he could pick it up as he went along.

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My aunt lost her job as a math teacher. She said it was the same job that she had since 2000 and now that's 46 years down the drain!

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My cousin lost her job in pool maintenance. She said it was too draining.

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My father-in-law lost his job as a fisherman. He said there just wasn't enough net income.

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My mother-in-law lost her job as a baker. And she really kneaded the dough!

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I once thought I would like being a historian. But I just couldn't see any future in it.

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I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.

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I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover from it.

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I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.

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I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.

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I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.

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I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.

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I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to the task.

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I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.

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I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tear-able job.

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I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.

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I lost my job as a pole vaulter. Now I'll never reach my lofty goal.

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I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

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I lost my job as a pastry tester. I thought that job would be a piece of cake.

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I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.

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I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I even bent over backwards for them!

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I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up with the hole business.

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I lost my job making stationery. I wasn’t going anywhere.

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I lost my job as an archeologist. My career is in ruins.

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I lost my job at the orange juice plant. I just couldn’t concentrate.

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I lost my job as an investor. I kept losing interest.

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I lost my job as a telemarketer. It wasn’t my calling.

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I lost my job as a waiter. At least it put food on the table.

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I lost my job as a sound technician. I couldn’t handle the feedback.

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I lost my job as a fortune-teller. I couldn’t make a prophet.

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I lost my job as a lumberjack. They gave me the ax.

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I lost my job as a tailor. I just wasn’t suited for it.

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I lost my job installing mufflers. It was exhausting work.

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I lost my job working security at the Samsung store. I was a Guardian of the Galaxies.

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The best way for the electricians to install so many outlets was to keep... "PLUGGING AWAY"

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While planning the perfect shot, the photographer was in the right... "FRAME OF MIND"

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Why do you need to watch what you say around egg whites?

It's because they can't take a YOLK!

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What did the electrician say when he walked in the room and turned on the light? He said, "Hey there, watt’s going on?”

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When taking photos of the Brie, Cheddar, Swiss, etc., the photographer jokingly said... "When I tell a joke about cheese, it’s usually a pretty GOUDA one"!

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Did you hear about the huge explosion in the cheese factory? It was terrible! There was de-BRIE everywhere!

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I love to tell jokes about cheese, but some people say it GRATES on their nerves!
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What kind of music do balloons like? Why, POP music, of course!

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When the couple relaxed in the spa’s hot springs, the experience was... “AAH” INSPIRING!

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Construction of the new staircase was behind schedule due to all the... "MISSTEPS"

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Can you believe that my neighbor rang my doorbell at 3 a.m.? Luckily, I was still up playing the drums!

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What is a tree's least favorite month? Sep-TIMBER!

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How does a tree get onto the internet? It logs on.

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If I ever start a boy band that plays classical music, I want to call it "The Bach Street Boys"

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When Mozart died, they played his music backwards at his funeral to prove he was "de-composing".

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The songwriter who was really upset with his writing partner needed to...

"COMPOSE HIMSELF"

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The farmer didn’t love the idea of buying the wood stove at first, but he... "WARMED UP TO IT"

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The farmer raised chickens and grew pines on his... "POLE-TREE FARM"

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When the twins found a “Fantastic Four #1” comic book, they... "MARVELED AT IT!"

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The guy who had his gall bladder removed thought it was funny because it left him in stitches.

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The FBI agents kept questioning the alleged money launderer hoping he’d... "COME CLEAN"

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Did you hear what the owner of a concrete company requested right before he died? He asked to be buried in a "CEMENTARY"!

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The burglar who broke into the addition while it was being built fell into the wet cement and now the police have concrete evidence!

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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He just couldn't see himself doing it!

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With the weekend over, the Jumble creators started working on... "PUNDAY MORNING"

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The hospital administrator announced all surgeries at their new location would be performed during its... "HOURS OF OPERATION"

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In the race with the other reindeer, Rudolph... "WON BY A NOSE"!

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Did you ever hear about Santa's 10th reindeer? His name was "Olive". Yes, "Olive". As in, "Olive", the other reindeer.

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When the jogger saw the fitness watch on sale could track her distance, blood pressure and pulse, she bought it... "IN A HEARTBEAT"

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What do you call a cow with 3 legs? "Eileen"!

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The football coach was uneasy on planes, so he was eager for the... "TOUCHDOWN"

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During the Middle Ages, this tailor specialized in armor for knights. It was his... "STRONG SUIT"

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The math teacher hired an architect to work on her house because she wanted a new... "ADDITION"

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Do you know where polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank!

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Did you hear about the guy giving away dead batteries? They were all free of charge!

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The fans wondered if the new QB would throw lots of touchdowns but the first game was too soon to "PASS JUDGMENT"

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The bottles of soda were on sale for... "A DOLLAR A POP"

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What is a pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet? it's the letter "ARRRR"!

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The dog was spotted stealing from the pet store, and security was... "ON HIS TAIL"

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What did the farmer name his female horse who was born after 1AM? He called it "MY NIGHTMARE".

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During the Middle Ages, this tailor specialized in armor for knights. It was his... "STRONG SUIT'

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What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-ntain.

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

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What did one toilet say to another?

You look flushed.

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What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw, shucks!

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

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What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, because it croaks every day.

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A bossy man walked into a bar…

And ordered everyone a round.

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What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1.

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How did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.

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Two fish are in a tank.

One turns to the other and says, “Any idea how to drive this thing?”

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What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?

Come on! Ketchup!

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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?

Because it’s pointless.

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How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

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Shucks! I've lost an electron.

You really have to keep an ion them!

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What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunder pants!

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What did the lettuce say to the celery?

Hey! Quit stalking me!

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What’s small and red and has a rough voice?

A hoarse raddish!

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Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?

Because he kept getting lost at “C.”

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How bad were the fish’s grades?

They were so bad they were below sea level.

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What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A slipper.

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How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware problem!

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What kind of cheese isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese.

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What does a spy do when he is cold?

He goes undercover.

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How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

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Why did the farmer win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?

Mistle-toes.

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What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.

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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

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What did the cucumber say to the pickle?

You mean a great dill to me.

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Where did the lettuce go for a drink?

The salad bar.

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Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Yes but I'm not going to go around spreading it!

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What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum?

He has a meltdown.

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What goes up and down but doesn’t move?

Stairs.

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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crumby.

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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

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What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

Swimming trunks.

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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?

Oh, snap.

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Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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Why did the belt go to jail?

Because it held up a pair of pants.

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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole-in-one.

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Why did an old man fall in a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well!

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Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?

It’s a big waist of space.

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What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

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How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?

It is either one or the udder!

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When is a door not a door?

When it’s ajar.

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Why can’t you trust duck doctors?

They’re all quacks.

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What do you call a musical bear?

A bear-i-tone.

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Why don’t melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

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Why don’t oysters give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

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What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't-opener!

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What did one plate say to the other?

Dinner is on me!

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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don’t know the words!

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Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

They lactose!

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What do you call a chicken that is staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad!

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

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I'm not lazy...

I'm just in my energy-saving mode.

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A cheese factory exploded in France.

Da-brie was everywhere.

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What happens to an illegally parked frog?

It gets toad away.

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What kind of car does an egg drive?

A yolkswagen!

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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality!

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Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?

He was a little shellfish!

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Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?

He takes things personally!

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What does a baby computer call his father?

Data!

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Why was the bee's hair always sticky?

He used a honeycomb.

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What do you call phoney spaghetti?

An im-pasta.

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What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator!

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Why does a tiger have stripes?

So he will not be spotted.

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What did one boat say to the other boat?

Are you interested in a little row-mance?

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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage!

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What does a nosy pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business!

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Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

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Why is the math book always so sad?

Because it has so many problems.

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Who is responsible for cleaning the ocean?

The mer-maids!

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What has two legs but can’t walk?

A pair of pants.

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What do you call a bee that can't make up their mind?

A maybe.

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What do you call a lonely cheese?

Provolone.

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Why did the turkey join a band?

So he could use his drumsticks.

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Why was the teenager no longer allowed online without a license?

Because he crashed the computer.

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What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

Hey! This tastes a little funny.

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Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!

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Why can't you trust the king of the jungle?

Because he's always lion.

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What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner."

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What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

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What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry!

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Why are pirates called pirates?

They just ARRRR!

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How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

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What do cows read the most?

Cattle-logs.

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I lost an electron.

You really have to keep an ion them!

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What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunder pants!

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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

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What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt."

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How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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What did the drummer name her twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2.

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What did the lettuce say to the celery?

Quit stalking me!

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What’s small and red and has a rough voice?

A hoarse radish!

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Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

Because they are such fungis.

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Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?

Too many ears.

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Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?

Because he always got lost at “C.”

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What kind of cheese isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese.

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What does a spy do when he is cold?

He goes undercover.

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How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

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When do computers overheat?

When they need to vent.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?

Mistle-toes.

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What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.

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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

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What did the cucumber say to the pickle?

You mean a great dill to me.

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Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

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Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!

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What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum?

He has a meltdown.

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What goes up and down but doesn’t move?

Stairs.

~ ~ ~

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crumby.

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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

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What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

Swimming trunks.

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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?

Oh snap.

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Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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Why did the belt go to jail?

Because it held up a pair of pants.

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Where does the general put his armies?

In his sleevies.

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What do you call a magician that looses his magic?

Ian.

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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

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Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

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When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

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What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.

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Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

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Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

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Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

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What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.

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What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

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Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

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If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.

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What did the horse say after it tripped?

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

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What do you call a well-balanced horse?

Stable.

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Why does a tiger have stripes?

So he will not be spotted.

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What do you call an angry carrot?

A steamed veggie.

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Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank.

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How do you make an eggroll?

You push it!

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What would bears be without bees?

Ears.

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What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-ntain.

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

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Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two tired.

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What did the triangle say to the circle?

You’re pointless.

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RIP, boiling water.

You will be mist.

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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

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I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I’ll let you know what comes first.

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Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball!

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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

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What do elves learn in school?

The elf-abet.

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Where was King David’s temple located?

Beside his ear.

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What did one toilet say to another?

You look flushed.

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What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

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What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw, shucks!

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

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What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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What do sprinters eat before they race?

Nothing. They fast.

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What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, because it croaks every day.

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Why was the fish’s grades bad?

They were below sea level.

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What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1.

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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh.

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Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless.

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What do you call a pig that practices karate?

A pork chop.

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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

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What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?

Ketchup.

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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?

Because it’s pointless.

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Dad: Son, can you call me an Uber?

Son: Sure! Dad, you’re an Uber.

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Kid: Dad, can you put the cat out?

Dad: I didn't know it was on fire.

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Kid: I’m cold.

Dad: Then go sit in the corner — it’s 90 degrees!

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I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.

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I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

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Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

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I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

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I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

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How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.

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I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

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I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.

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I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

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I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.

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You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

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What's brown and sticky? A stick.

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Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.

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What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

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What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

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I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

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What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.

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I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.

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Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

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I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.

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It takes guts to be an organ donor.

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If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?

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I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

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I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

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What did the vet say to the cat? How are you feline?

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What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!

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What happens when M&M’s can’t agree on anything? They reach an M-passe.

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What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

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What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

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What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

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What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

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What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

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Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

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Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

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What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.

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What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.

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How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.

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Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.

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What do clouds wear? Their thunderwear.

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Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.

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Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

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How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

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How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.

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I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

~ ~ ~

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.

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What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!

~ ~ ~

Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.

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Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

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Can February March? No, but April May!

~ ~ ~

How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!

~ ~ ~

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.

~ ~ ~

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.

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Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.

~ ~ ~

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.

~ ~ ~

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I have a joke about a construction job, but I’m still working on it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about time travel, but I know you've already heard it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts to tell it.

~ ~ ~

I had a joke about canned orange juice, but I couldn't concentrate.

~ ~ ~

I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about nepotism, but I'll only give it to my kids.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.

~ ~ ~

Q: What's E.T. short for?

A: Because he's only got tiny legs!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s email password?

A: 1Forrest1

~ ~ ~

Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to bed?

A: He puts his PJ Amazon.

~ ~ ~

Q: How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

A: You follow the fresh prints.

~ ~ ~

Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast?

A: On the dark side.

~ ~ ~

Q: Why doesn't Apple start making cars?

A: They wouldn't be able to include Windows.

~ ~ ~

Q: What type of coordination was Whitney Houston most famous for?

A: “Hand eeeeyeeeeee!" (i.e. from the song lyric "And I will always love you")

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you say when Dwayne Johnson buys something to cut with?

A: Rock pay-for scissors.

~ ~ ~

People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love “Every Move You Make”.

~ ~ ~

I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness.

~ ~ ~

To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my limbo stick: That was a new low.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my dictionary: I have no words.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I hope you can't sleep at night.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the full glass say to the empty glass?

A: You look drunk!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller?

A: Spot!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you say when your favorite smoke shop is replaced by a J. Crew?

A: Clothes, but no cigar!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why did the Karen press CTRL+ ALT+ DEL?

A: Because she wanted to see the task manager!

~ ~ ~

I'm so excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!

~ ~ ~

Once I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

~ ~ ~

I got so excited that spring is here that I wet my plants.

~ ~ ~

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with. She said yes, all the rest had been nines and tens.

~ ~ ~

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

~ ~ ~

Kid to Dad: Ok, I’ll call you later. Dad to Kid: Ok, but please call me Dad.

~ ~ ~

Kid: Dad, my nose is running.

Dad: Well, you better go catch it!

~ ~ ~

Kid: What time is it?

Dad: Time to get a watch!

~ ~ ~

Kid: Can you put my shoes on?

Dad: No, I don't think they'll fit me.

~ ~ ~

Kid: Ow, I hurt my foot!

Dad: Well, what’d you do that for?

~ ~ ~

Kid: Dad, how do I look?

Dad: With your eyes.

~ ~ ~

Kid: What’s that?

Dad: It’s a henweigh.

Kid: What’s a henweigh?

Dad: About two pounds.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

Q: Why can’t you send a duck to space?

A: Because his bill would be astronomical!

~ ~ ~

Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches?

A: The outside!

~ ~ ~

Q: What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested?

A: They gave him a tough sentence.

~ ~ ~

Q: Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle?

A: They got over it!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?

A: A fsh.

~ ~ ~

Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?

A: Any breed of dog! Skyscrapers can’t jump.

~ ~ ~

Q: Why are elevator jokes so good?

A: They work on many levels!

~ ~ ~

Q: What state is known for its tiny beverages?

A: Minne-sota!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer?

A: Because it didn’t like its toner voice.

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?

A: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?

A: Live stream it!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed?

A: It was very sweepy!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?

A: Because they often have to draw blood!

~ ~ ~

Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident?

A: Yeah, now he’s a rect-angle!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?

A: Toad!

~ ~ ~

Q: How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?

A: It is either one or the utter.

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why can’t you ever run through a campsite?

A: You can only ran — it’s always past tents!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?

A: She said its days were numbered!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers?

A: Because they make no cents!

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the police officer say to his belly-button under his bulletproof vest?

A: Hold it right there! You’re under a VEST!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?

A: Leave the pizza in the oven!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a hippie’s wife?

A: Miss-issippi!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle?

A: Attire!

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the bandleader call his twin daughters?

A: Anna One, Anna Two!

~ ~ ~

Q: Did you hear about the king who was exactly 12 inches tall?

A: He was a great ruler!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.

~ ~ ~

Q: How do you cure a fear of a speed bump?

A: You slowly get over it.

~ ~ ~

Q: Why is the cow always smiling?

A: Because it's in a good mooood!

~ ~ ~

Q: When did they find water on the moon?

A: When it was waning!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?

A: Because he Neverlands!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?

A: It’s a big waist of space!

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop?

A: I have no luggage. I’m traveling light!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why did the coffee go to the police?

A: To report a mugging!

~ ~ ~

Q: What's the difference between a "dad joke" and a "bad joke?"

A: The direction of the first letter.

~ ~ ~

Q: When does a regular joke become a “dad joke?”

A: When it becomes apparent!

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about putting in a light bulb, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.

~ ~ ~

I had a joke about banking, but I lost interest.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about cows, but I don't want to milk it for what it's worth.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.

~ ~ ~

I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penneless.

~ ~ ~

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

~ ~ ~

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

~ ~ ~

Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

~ ~ ~

A magician was driving down the street — then he turned into a McDonalds.

~ ~ ~

We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

~ ~ ~

I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!

~ ~ ~

At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.

~ ~ ~

My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.

~ ~ ~

I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.

~ ~ ~

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.

~ ~ ~

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my week immune system.

~ ~ ~

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

~ ~ ~

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.

~ ~ ~

I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

~ ~ ~

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!

~ ~ ~

My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

~ ~ ~

I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.

~ ~ ~

I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!

~ ~ ~

I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

~ ~ ~

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch — Yeti never complains.

~ ~ ~

Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.

~ ~ ~

A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.

~ ~ ~

I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.

~ ~ ~

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.

~ ~ ~

It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.

~ ~ ~

I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!

~ ~ ~

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

~ ~ ~

Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.

~ ~ ~

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

~ ~ ~

Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the swimming pool.

~ ~ ~

I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!

~ ~ ~

I can tell when you're lying just by looking at you. I can also tell when you're standing.

~ ~ ~

Our choir director was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.

~ ~ ~

Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list, and now I can't read what else is on it.

~ ~ ~

Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.

~ ~ ~

My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "get well soon" card.

~ ~ ~

Lance isn't that common a name for men these days, but in medieval times, they were called Lance a lot.

~ ~ ~

After dinner Mom asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start coming down the hall, but I made it.

~ ~ ~

I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit a-low-ha-ha-ha.

~ ~ ~

Q: What does a baby computer call its father?

A: Data!

~ ~ ~

Q: Where do pirates get their hooks?

A: Second hand stores!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die?

A: They dilate!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a line of dads waiting to get haircuts?

A: The barber-queue!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a beehive with no exit?

A: Un-bee-liev-able!

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the doctor say to the panicked man who was afraid he was shrinking?

A: Settle down — you'll have to learn to be a little patient!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

A: Because they had a fight and 2021!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

A: Because a toothbrush works better!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a rude cow?

A: Beef jerky!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?

A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why are balloons so expensive?

A: Inflation!

~ ~ ~

Q: What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment?

A: Tooth hurty!

~ ~ ~

Q: Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?

A: Joke! Joke! Jooooooooooooooooke.

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

A: Nacho cheese!

~ ~ ~

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--------------

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

~ ~ ~

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

~ ~ ~

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

~ ~ ~

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

~ ~ ~

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it around!

~ ~ ~

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

~ ~ ~

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.

~ ~ ~

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.

~ ~ ~

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

~ ~ ~

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow! Who's there?

~ ~ ~

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.

~ ~ ~

Why is the undertaker your best friend? He's the last to let you down.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the funeral home's new financial arrangement? They call it their "Easy Lay Away" plan.

~ ~ ~

What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.

~ ~ ~

Dad: Son, can you put the cat out? Son: I didn't know it was on fire.

~ ~ ~

How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the new hamburger condiment in an aerosol can? It's called "Lettuce Spray".

~ ~ ~

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

~ ~ ~

Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.

~ ~ ~

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

~ ~ ~

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentickles.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

~ ~ ~

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

~ ~ ~

What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!

~ ~ ~

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

~ ~ ~

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

~ ~ ~

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

~ ~ ~

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!

~ ~ ~

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

~ ~ ~

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.

~ ~ ~

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

~ ~ ~

A guy walks into a bar... and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

~ ~ ~

You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

~ ~ ~

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

~ ~ ~

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which one is delivered first.

~ ~ ~

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.

~ ~ ~

That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

~ ~ ~

Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

~ ~ ~

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

~ ~ ~

What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

~ ~ ~

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.

~ ~ ~

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

~ ~ ~

I hate my job at the Coke factory — all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

~ ~ ~

Mom keeps asking why I have so much candy. She doesn't know I always keep a few Twix up my sleeve.

~ ~ ~

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet — it was clogged.

~ ~ ~

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

~ ~ ~

I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.

~ ~ ~

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet — I just don't know y.

~ ~ ~

My dream job is to clean mirrors, because I can really see myself doing that.

~ ~ ~

I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.

~ ~ ~

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

~ ~ ~

RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.

~ ~ ~

Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.

~ ~ ~

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!

~ ~ ~

I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

~ ~ ~

Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

~ ~ ~

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

~ ~ ~

Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

~ ~ ~

6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.

~ ~ ~

Whenever you get a bad sausage, it's just the wurst.

~ ~ ~

My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.

~ ~ ~

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

What’s a dog’s favorite super hero? Labra-Thor.

~ ~ ~

I was walking down the beach when I heard a swimmer yelling for help with a shark circling him. I just laughed... I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

~ ~ ~

You are on a horse riding full gallop. Next to you is a giraffe at full gallop, and behind you is a lion on your tail. What do you do? Get off the carousel.

~ ~ ~

What family does the zebra belong to? Can't say, none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth? Stuck.

~ ~ ~

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar? A little walkie-talkie.

~ ~ ~

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

~ ~ ~

Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

~ ~ ~

A pony walks into a noisy bar and tries to order a beer. Bartender says “I can’t hear you! You’ll have to speak up!” Pony says: “Sorry! I’m a little horse!”

~ ~ ~

Why did the baseball player get fired? He ran 3 bases then walked home.

~ ~ ~

Why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net.

~ ~ ~

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

~ ~ ~

What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they always fast!

~ ~ ~

My dad told me a joke about boxing and it floored me. I guess I missed the punch line.

~ ~ ~

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!

~ ~ ~

Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform? New Jersey.

~ ~ ~

Why don't football players were glasses? It's a contact sport.

~ ~ ~

What's the best animal in soccer? A score-pion.

~ ~ ~

What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby? One takes a snap, the other takes a nap.

~ ~ ~

I used to be addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.

~ ~ ~

Why can't pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.

~ ~ ~

Why shouldn't you play tennis in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

~ ~ ~

What does a sports fan have in common with an angry chicken? A foul mouth.

~ ~ ~

Why couldn't the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.

~ ~ ~

Why was the calendar so sad? Because its days are numbered.

~ ~ ~

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. I told here that would be a big step forward.

~ ~ ~

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

~ ~ ~

"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

~ ~ ~

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

~ ~ ~

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

~ ~ ~

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

~ ~ ~

How does dry skin affect you at work? You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a factory that makes mediocre products? A satis-factory.

~ ~ ~

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

~ ~ ~

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet and spread his arms wide? Supplies!

~ ~ ~

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

~ ~ ~

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

~ ~ ~

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

~ ~ ~

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

~ ~ ~

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

~ ~ ~

What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.

~ ~ ~

What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.

~ ~ ~

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'

~ ~ ~

Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!

~ ~ ~

I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.

~ ~ ~

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Hey Mom, where's Pop Corn?

~ ~ ~

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

~ ~ ~

Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

~ ~ ~

What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!

~ ~ ~

Dad, did you get a haircut? Yes, and in fact, I got them all cut!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.

~ ~ ~

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind. That proves you're old enough.

~ ~ ~

Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.

~ ~ ~

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Starfish.

~ ~ ~

Do you think a frog can jump higher than a house? Well of course! Everyone knows a house can't jump.

~ ~ ~

I was going to try an all-almond diet this year, but that's just NUTS!

~ ~ ~

I once submitted 10 puns to a contest called "The Best Pun Of The Month". I really thought one was sure to be a winner but sadly, I did not win because "no pun in ten did".

~ ~ ~

Why did the old man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

~ ~ ~

What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano. What about the glue? I'm still stuck on that one.

~ ~ ~

I met my wife at a glue factory. We bonded immediately.

~ ~ ~

My wife just got a new job at the grease factory. Now, I can't ever get hold of her.

~ ~ ~

I just got a new job as a salesman at our town's gas works. I was amazed to learn that over 50% of our citizens already had gas.

~ ~ ~

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, "Do you have a favorite song?" The other replies, "Well... all my life I have been a heavy metal fan."

~ ~ ~

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.

~ ~ ~

I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.

~ ~ ~

How many storm troopers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they are all on the dark side.

~ ~ ~

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.

~ ~ ~

Hi, I’m Cliff. Why don't you drop over sometime?

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache? The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling the bills out until he had $1,999. Then he said, "No wonder you're not feeling two grand!"

~ ~ ~

Whenever my Dad puts the car in reverse he always says, "Ah! This takes me back!"

~ ~ ~

What do you call the security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the Galaxy.

~ ~ ~

I was making a joke about my retirement but it turns out it didn't work.

~ ~ ~

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it I found that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am!

~ ~ ~

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me while I was browsing their selections so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine! Suit yourself!

~ ~ ~

Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he finally woke up after a while.

~ ~ ~

I found a book called "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems". So I bought 2 of them.

~ ~ ~

The other day, I saw a sign that said, "MEN'S PANTS HALF-OFF". So I asked the clerk, "If I buy 2 pair, does that make them free?" She looked confused.

~ ~ ~

Customer: "Waiter, this coffee taste like dirt!" Waiter: "That's because it was ground just a few minutes ago."

~ ~ ~

What is the best present for a kid? Broken drums! You just can't beat them.

~ ~ ~

I made song about a tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.

~ ~ ~

Did you know corduroy pillows are back in style? Yes, it's true! And they're making headlines.

~ ~ ~

What word can you make shorter by adding just two letters? The word "short".

~ ~ ~

What do call a criminal landing an airplane? "Condescending".

~ ~ ~

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

~ ~ ~

Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

~ ~ ~

Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

~ ~ ~

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They are always dropping their needles.

~ ~ ~

What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler than you.

~ ~ ~

Why couldn’t the tree get on his computer? Because he could not log on.

~ ~ ~

What's a skeleton's favorite type of road? A dead end.

~ ~ ~

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, It just wined a little.

~ ~ ~

What did the alien say to the landscaper? Take me to your weeder.

~ ~ ~

How many apples grow on the average apple tree? All of them.

~ ~ ~

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out man!

~ ~ ~

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.

~ ~ ~

The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I was able to escape when I went right for the juggler.

~ ~ ~

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the famous pickle? He's a really big dill.

~ ~ ~

How does Vin Diesel keep in touch with the Fast and Furious crew? On a Zoom call.

~ ~ ~

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

~ ~ ~

How much does a chimney cost. Nothing, it's on the house.

~ ~ ~

Why do only some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

~ ~ ~

How do you make 7 even? Take away the S.

~ ~ ~

Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a broken clock? A waste of time.

~ ~ ~

Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake. He was stuffed.

~ ~ ~

What's an astronaut's favorite board game? Moon-opoly

~ ~ ~

How do you make Budweiser? Send him to school.

~ ~ ~

What is Santa’s favorite state to visit? Ida Ho Ho Ho!

~ ~ ~

I hate traffic circles because they are pointless.

~ ~ ~

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Have you ever wondered how a fire-breathing dragon blows out the candles on their birthday cake?

~ ~ ~

Bob: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Rob: That's easy. Anybody can roast beef!

~ ~ ~

A woman is walking along the beach with her children, appearing to be looking for something. At this moment, a lifeguard comes up to them. ""I've noticed you seemed to be looking for something," he says.

"Yes, my husband is missing," the woman replies with concern. "My kids buried him in the sand and now we can't find him."

"Do you remember where you were sitting?" the lifeguard asks. The woman looks up at him incredulously. "Don't be silly, how can I remember where we were sitting a year ago?"

~ ~ ~

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart!

Me: Not really, I've already beat him two games out of three!

~ ~ ~

When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"

Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent so we don't sound them out."

During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her meatloaf in a plastic container & asked me to heat it in microwave in the cafeteria. But I ate all the meatloaf and returned her an empty container.

Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I asked you to HEAT my food... not to EAT my food!"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."

~ ~ ~

Bill: Whatcha been doing lately?

Phil: I won a million dollars in the Lottery and was so thankful that I donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.

Bill: REALLY?!

Phil: Yeah. I did but I still have $999,999.75 left.

~ ~ ~

Bill: Whatcha been doing lately?

Phil: I had an accident last week.

Bill: Really? What happened?

Phil: I was driving through the mountains in an area I had never been in before and my GPS told me to turn around.

Bill: And...

Phil: So I did, but I couldn't see where I was going and I ran off the road!

~ ~ ~

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."

~ ~ ~

When I got home from work today I found my kids were still on Ebay.

If they are still there tomorrow, I will lower the price.

~ ~ ~

We told the contractor who was doing our whole-house renovation over and over again not to carpet our steps….

But he just kept giving us blank stairs!

~ ~ ~

What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"?

Iron Man" is a Marvel superhero.

"Iron Woman" is a verbal command from days gone by.

~ ~ ~

Somebody once told me, "Follow your dreams!"

So I said "Great advice!!"

And then I went back to bed.

~ ~ ~

John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even need glasses."

Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"

John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

~ ~ ~

Woman answering the phone: "Hello?"

Unknown male voice: "We have your son and you'll have to pay us $25,000 to get him back."

Woman: "But we don't have a son."

Unknown male voice: "Then who just asked for warm milk, made us cut the crust off his sandwiches and gave us your number to call you?"

Woman: "Oh, you have my husband. You'll have to pay ME the $25,000 before you can return him."

~ ~ ~

Son: Dad, You are my hero.

Dad: Really?

Son: Yes. Can you give me an autograph with your eyes closed?

Dad: Well, yes, of course.

Son: That's great! Then here, close your eyes and sign my report card.

~ ~ ~

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

~ ~ ~

Inflation is so high I just saw a burglar breaking into his own house.

I asked: “What are you doing?”

He said: “Im having to work from home now.

~ ~ ~

Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.

Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television.

~ ~ ~

When my young adult son worked part time in a hardware store between his college classes, a man came in to buy 5 gold hooks for hanging some plants for his wife. But the store only had 2 gold ones, 5 silver ones and 6 white ones.

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, "Maybe you could use the silver or white ones instead."

The customer smiled and said, "Thank you but I can tell that you're not married."

~ ~ ~

The trouble with instant gratification is that it takes way too long."

~ ~ ~

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?"

"No champ, I never did."

"That's a good thing."

"You're telling me," began grandpa, "I was the cook!"

~ ~ ~

Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.

Must be all the indoor-fins.

~ ~ ~

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I welcome you into the family!” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out!”

~ ~ ~

What do mermaids use to wash their fins? They use Tide.

~ ~ ~

What did the skillet eat on its birthday? Pan-cakes.

~ ~ ~

I went to a silent auction. It turns out at the end of the day I had purchased a dog whistle and 2 mimes.

~ ~ ~

How is my wallet like an onion? Every time I open it, I cry.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

I'm really tired today. I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.

~ ~ ~

Yesterday, I looked in a thesaurus for the word "thesaurus". I think I felt the universe shudder a little bit.

~ ~ ~

When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. Eventually, I was an only child.

~ ~ ~

I was trying to daydream this morning. But my mind kept wandering.

~ ~ ~

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and then I'll hook up with them later.

~ ~ ~

I'm writing a book this year. I already have the page numbers done. Now, I just have to fill in the rest.

~ ~ ~

When you think about it, every book is a children’s book if the child can read.

~ ~ ~

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. Who is the real winner here?

~ ~ ~

I remember the day our local candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

~ ~ ~

Yesterday, I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one. So I just got a cake and stuck the candles in it.

~ ~ ~

Have you ever seen a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

~ ~ ~

I heard there was a power outage at the department store yesterday. They said on the news that 20 people were trapped on the escalators for hours.

~ ~ ~

Did you ever think that actually an escalator can never break. It just becomes a set of stairs.

~ ~ ~

I think if an escalator breaks you should never see a sign that says, "Temporarily Out Of Order". It should just say, "This Escalator Is Now Just Temporarily Some Stairs. Sorry For The convenience".

~ ~ ~

Last month I took my dog for a walk all the way from New York to Florida and back. I said to him "There, now you're done for the rest of your life".

~ ~ ~

Eating white rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.

~ ~ ~

Whenever I go into Subway, I always order a club sandwich. However, I always feel guilty about it because I've never really joined the club and I wonder how much longer I can get away with it.

~ ~ ~

I got food poisoning yesterday but I haven't decided when I'm planning to use it.

~ ~ ~

I bought my wife some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrapping Department and ask them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.

~ ~ ~

Last Spring, I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

~ ~ ~

I'm very sad! All my fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them enough.

~ ~ ~

I saw a commercial on TV that said, "Forget everything you know about new flooring". So I did, and it was a big load off of my mind.

~ ~ ~

I bought a donut yesterday and they gave me a receipt for the donut. However, I told them I didn't need a receipt for the donut. I told them, "I'll just give you the money, and you just give me the donut. End of discussion. We don't need to waste ink and paper on this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut!

~ ~ ~

Last week, I bought a king-sized bed. Then I began to think about it. I personally don't know any kings, except for King Charles. However, if he ever came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. I'd tell him, Oh, you're King Charles? Well, you won't believe this but I have a king-size bed! And, guess what? It's to your EXACT specifications!"

~ ~ ~

Fred: I’ve invented a car that runs on water.

Ed: Why does it have such huge balloon tires?

Fred: So it can run on water! DUH!

~ ~ ~

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...

As you might have already guessed, my dog is a member of Congress!

~ ~ ~

Fred: You know, everyone's heard of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as the ninth reindeer, but many people don't know that there is a tenth one whose name was Olive.

Ned: Olive? Really?

Fred: Oh yeah! You know... "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

~ ~ ~-

Bill: Have you been shopping at the mall this Christmas?

Phil: No, it's WAAAAY too crowded! What about you?

Bill: Yeah, I have. And while I was there I saw a spaceman.

Phil: What do you mean you saw a spaceman?

Bill: I was driving around for about 10 minutes and then I saw a space man so I parked in it before anyone else could grab it!

~ ~ ~

Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.

Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television.

~ ~ ~-

The math teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?"

After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left."

The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?

Johnny replied again, "Two left."

Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away."

Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!"

~ ~ ~

Patient: Doctor, I'm thinking that I may be losing my hearing.

Doctor: Can you tell me what you know of the symptoms?

Patient: Yes, it's a very popular show on tv. Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair, Bart is a smart alec and Lisa is a sweetheart...

~ ~ ~~ ~ ~--

A man went into a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went into it.

The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"

The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."

~ ~ ~

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

~ ~ ~

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords so l had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

~ ~ ~

Bob and Rob are golfing, when a bird flies overhead.

"Wow! What a big duck!" Bob says. "That's no duck, it's a goose." Rob says.

"No, it's a duck!" Bob says. "I say it's a goose!" Rob says. And so the argument went. "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!"

Another golfer behind them, playing the hole, yells, "Fore!" and hits the ball.

Bob sees the ball coming and yells, "Duck!"

Rob yells back, "Goose!"

BONK!

~ ~ ~

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What did the old horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!"

. . .

What did the orchestra leader and his wife name their new twin daughters? "Anna 1, Anna 2"!

. . .

Weeds had started cropping up in a couple's garden so they were trying to... "ROOT OUT THE PROBLEM"

. . .

A man sees a casket with his name on it rolling toward him so he runs into a drug store and buys a bottle of cough syrup because he knows it's the best way to stop his coffin!

~ ~ ~

The deer family member hung out with his smaller cousins until he... "HAD TO VA-MOOSE"

~ ~ ~

Until a couple's new house was built on their vacant lot, it was just a... “SITE TO SEE"

~ ~ ~

The company couldn’t make a profit selling origami, so the... "BUSINESS FOLDED"

~ ~ ~

Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove it wasn't chicken!

~ ~ ~

Do you know what is the official dance of Thanksgiving? It’s “The Turkey Trot"!

~ ~ ~

The U.S. Mint debuted the Lincoln Penny on the centennial of his birth because... "IT MADE CENTS”

~ ~ ~

How do you make a waterbed have more bounce?

Add some “spring water” to it.

~ ~ ~

What job did the frog have at the hotel?

He was their head bellhop.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A "do-you-think-he-saw-us"?

~ ~ ~

Which side of the chicken has the most feathers? The OUTSIDE!

~ ~ ~

To avoid helping clean up, the mallard decided to... "DUCK OUT"

~ ~ ~

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

~ ~ ~

When is the earliest that ducks get up? At the "quack" of dawn.

~ ~ ~

I always thought my neighbors were nice people...

but they keep changing the password on their Wi-Fi!

~ ~ ~

What did the cake say to the fork?

So, you want a piece of me?

~ ~ ~

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Hey! Give me my quarterback!

~ ~ ~

Why are elephants so wrinkly? Because it's so hard to iron them!

~ ~ ~

Unable to perform the perfect drum solo, the toddler... "THREW A PANTRUM"

~ ~ ~

What do you call the person who graduates last place from medical school? You call them "DOCTOR"!

~ ~ ~

When the caveman, Alley Oop, gets hungry, he makes himself a... "CLUB SANDWICH"

~ ~ ~

Every morning I get hit by the same bike! Really? Yes, it's a vicious cycle!

~ ~ ~

I tried going to barber school but I just couldn't "cut it". I think it might have been a "clip" joint!

~ ~ ~

He threw four interceptions but didn't... "PASS THE BUCK"

~ ~ ~

Every time my wife and I have an argument she gets "historical"! Don't you mean "hysterical"? Oh, she also gets "hysterical" alright! But when I say she gets "historical", I mean she reminds me of everything I've ever done wrong!

~ ~ ~

To get a spot on her owner's lap, the cat used... "PURR-SUASION"

~ ~ ~

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t "peeling" well.

~ ~ ~

I quit my job at the shoe repair shop because I wasn't a good "fit"! I just couldn't put my "sole" into it! Or perhaps I was too "straight laced"!

~ ~ ~

The grocery store customers waiting to pay for items formed a... "LINE OF PRODUCTS"

~ ~ ~

How can you stay warm in any room no matter how cold it is outside? Go stand in a corner! It’s always 90 degrees!

~ ~ ~

I tried being a historian but I just couldn't see a "future" in it!

~ ~ ~

The grizzly packed lightly for his trip because he wanted to take the... "BEAR MINIMUM"

~ ~ ~

I used to work at a cannon factory but I had to leave when they "fired" me!

~ ~ ~

I tried going into medicine but I just didn't have the "patients" for it!

~ ~ ~

The pigs who put on a musical loved to... "HAM IT UP"!

~ ~ ~

I tried going to barber school but I just couldn't "CUT IT"!

~ ~ ~

When it came to being a lead singer Diana Ross was... "SUPREME"

~ ~ ~

Why did the teenager stock up on baker's yeast?

He wanted to make some dough.

~ ~ ~

How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party?

Because he’s a little square.

~ ~ ~

I used to work at a tailor shop but I just wasn't "suited" for it!

~ ~ ~

I used to work at a muffler shop, but I had to give it up because it was just too exhausting!

~ ~ ~

Why do ducks make such good comedians? Because they always "quack" people up.

~ ~ ~

The ghost didn't get along well with others because he was... "MEAN-SPIRITED"

~ ~ ~

Our new neighbors have 2 dogs. Their names are "Timex" and "Rolex". They are their watchdogs.

~ ~ ~

Why are elephants afraid to use their computers? Because they are afraid of the mouse.

~ ~ ~

What do astronauts do when they get cold? They turn on a space heater!

~ ~ ~

What kind of dog is the best for telling time? A watchdog, of course!

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the new breed of spiders that are super smart? It's because they are always on the web.

~ ~ ~

What kind of bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

~ ~ ~

Why are spiders so smart?

It's because they are always on the web.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear what the latest cow emoji is called? It is called... (wait for it)... an "e-mooooo-ji"

~ ~ ~

I recently saw a French baguette walking the runway at a fashion show. Apparently, it was a roll model.

~ ~ ~

Wife: Did you know in the Bible it says that it’s the husbands’ job to make the coffee in the morning? Husband: What?? No! Where does it say that? Wife: In the New Testament it says “Hebrews”!

~ ~ ~

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where they were frying hamburgers and potato chips. He asked one of them, “Are you the friar?” “No”, the brother said, "I’m the chip monk.”

~ ~ ~

Why was the strawberry so sad?

Because he found himself in a jam!

~ ~ ~

How did the two cats end their fight?

They hissed and made up.

~ ~ ~

What's black and white and red all over?

A zebra with a bad sunburn!

~ ~ ~

What is a rabbit's favorite way to travel by air for "short hops? They take American "Hare-lines".

~ ~ ~

What did the farmer who raised mallard ducks have for lunch? He had soup and "quackers"!

~ ~ ~

What kind of duck steals from you when you're in your bathtub? A "robber duckie".

~ ~ ~

Bill: Did you know koalas bears aren’t actual bears?

Phil: Really? Why not?

Bill: Because they don’t meet the “koala-fications”!

~ ~ ~

What's the easiest way to identify a bald eagle?

He will be the one wearing the bad-looking comb-over or a cheap toupee.

~ ~ ~

Q: What was the name of the classical ballet the pig performed at her dance recital?

A: It was "Swine Lake".

~ ~ ~

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells!

~ ~ ~

How did the duck pay for her new lipstick?

She told the clerk, "Just put it on my bill."

~ ~ ~

What kind of tree can fit in the palm of your hand?

A palm tree, of course!

~ ~ ~

Why was the politician out of breath in the middle of a 5K? Because he was running for office!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a dinosaur that is snoozing away?

A "dino-snore".

~ ~ ~

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying around everywhere?

A: Because he’s from "Never, Never Land"!

~ ~ ~

What is a rabbit's favorite way to travel?

To go by hare-plane.

~ ~ ~

Bill: Why is it a bad idea to play hockey with pigs?

Phil: I give up. Why?

Bill: Because they always hog the puck.

~ ~ ~

Q: What is the first thing elves learn when they start school in the first grade?

A: They learn the "elf-a-bet" of course!

~ ~ ~

What’s a firefly’s favorite dance?

The glitterbug.

~ ~ ~

Where do roses sleep at night?

In their flowerbeds.

~ ~ ~

How did the barber win the race?

He knew a shortcut!

~ ~ ~

What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?

58!

~ ~ ~

What did the nut say to the other nut in a game of tag?

Imma cashew!

~ ~ ~

Why did an old man fall in a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well!

~ ~ ~

Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?

It’s a big waist of space.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

~ ~ ~

Why are peppers the best at archery?

Because they habanero!

~ ~ ~

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?

It is either one or the udder!

~ ~ ~

What did one plate say to the other?

Dinner is on me!

~ ~ ~

Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don’t know the words!

~ ~ ~

Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

They lactose.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a chicken that is staring at a lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

~ ~ ~

What kind of car does an egg drive?

A yolkswagen.

~ ~ ~

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality!

~ ~ ~

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?

He was a little shellfish!

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?

He takes things personally!

~ ~ ~

When does a duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

~ ~ ~

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data!

~ ~ ~

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

~ ~ ~

Why was the bee's hair always sticky?

He used a honeycomb.

~ ~ ~

What do you call phony spaghetti?

An im-pasta.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

~ ~ ~

What vegetables are a sailor’s enemies? Leeks!

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--------------

Why can't you trust the king of the jungle?

Because he's always lion.

~ ~ ~

What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner."

~ ~ ~

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry!

~ ~ ~

Why are pirates called pirates?

They just ARRRR!

~ ~ ~

How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

~ ~ ~

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

~ ~ ~

What do cows read the most?

Cattle-logs.

~ ~ ~

I lost an electron.

You really have to keep an ion them!

~ ~ ~

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunder pants!

~ ~ ~

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

~ ~ ~

What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt."

~ ~ ~

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

~ ~ ~

What did the drummer name her twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2.

~ ~ ~

What did the lettuce say to the celery?

Quit stalking me!

~ ~ ~

What’s small and red and has a rough voice?

A hoarse radish!

~ ~ ~

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

Because they are such fungis.

~ ~ ~

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?

Too many ears.

~ ~ ~

Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?

Because he always got lost at “C.”

~ ~ ~

What kind of cheese isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese.

~ ~ ~

What does a spy do when he is cold?

He goes undercover.

~ ~ ~

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

~ ~ ~

When do computers overheat?

When they need to vent.

~ ~ ~

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

~ ~ ~

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?

Mistle-toes.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.

~ ~ ~

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

~ ~ ~

What did the cucumber say to the pickle?

You mean a great dill to me.

~ ~ ~

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!

~ ~ ~

What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum?

He has a meltdown.

~ ~ ~

What goes up and down but doesn’t move?

Stairs.

~ ~ ~

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crumby.

~ ~ ~

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

~ ~ ~

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

Swimming trunks.

~ ~ ~

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?

Oh snap.

~ ~ ~

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

~ ~ ~

Why did the belt go to jail?

Because it held up a pair of pants.

~ ~ ~

Where does the general put his armies?

In his sleevies.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a magician that looses his magic?

Ian.

~ ~ ~

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

~ ~ ~

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

~ ~ ~

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

~ ~ ~

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.

~ ~ ~

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

~ ~ ~

Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

~ ~ ~

Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

~ ~ ~

What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.

~ ~ ~

What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.

~ ~ ~

Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

~ ~ ~

If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.

~ ~ ~

What did the horse say after it tripped?

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a well-balanced horse?

Stable.

~ ~ ~

Why does a tiger have stripes?

So he will not be spotted.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an angry carrot?

A steamed veggie.

~ ~ ~

Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank.

~ ~ ~

How do you make an eggroll?

You push it!

~ ~ ~

What would bears be without bees?

Ears.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-ntain.

~ ~ ~

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

~ ~ ~

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two tired.

~ ~ ~

What did the triangle say to the circle?

You’re pointless.

~ ~ ~

RIP, boiling water.

You will be mist.

~ ~ ~

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

~ ~ ~

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I’ll let you know what comes first.

~ ~ ~

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball!

~ ~ ~

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

~ ~ ~

What do elves learn in school?

The elf-abet.

~ ~ ~

Where was King David’s temple located?

Beside his ear.

~ ~ ~

What did one toilet say to another?

You look flushed.

~ ~ ~

What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

~ ~ ~

What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw, shucks!

~ ~ ~

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

~ ~ ~

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

~ ~ ~

What do sprinters eat before they race?

Nothing. They fast.

~ ~ ~

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, because it croaks every day.

~ ~ ~

Why was the fish’s grades bad?

They were below sea level.

~ ~ ~

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh.

~ ~ ~

Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a pig that practices karate?

A pork chop.

~ ~ ~

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

~ ~ ~

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?

Ketchup.

~ ~ ~

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?

Because it’s pointless.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

Dad: Son, can you call me an Uber?

Son: Sure! Dad, you’re an Uber.

~ ~ ~

Kid: Dad, can you put the cat out?

Dad: I didn't know it was on fire.

~ ~ ~

Kid: I’m cold.

Dad: Then go sit in the corner — it’s 90 degrees!

~ ~ ~

I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate.

~ ~ ~

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

~ ~ ~

Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

~ ~ ~

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

~ ~ ~

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

~ ~ ~

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

~ ~ ~

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

~ ~ ~

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.

~ ~ ~

I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

~ ~ ~

I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.

~ ~ ~

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

~ ~ ~

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.

~ ~ ~

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

~ ~ ~

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

~ ~ ~

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.

~ ~ ~

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

~ ~ ~

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

~ ~ ~

What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.

~ ~ ~

I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.

~ ~ ~

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

~ ~ ~

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

~ ~ ~

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.

~ ~ ~

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

~ ~ ~

If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?

~ ~ ~

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

~ ~ ~

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

~ ~ ~

What did the vet say to the cat? How are you feline?

~ ~ ~

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!

~ ~ ~

What happens when M&M’s can’t agree on anything? They reach an M-passe.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

~ ~ ~

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

~ ~ ~

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

~ ~ ~

Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

~ ~ ~

Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

~ ~ ~

What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.

~ ~ ~

What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.

~ ~ ~

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house.

~ ~ ~

Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.

~ ~ ~

What do clouds wear? Their thunderwear.

~ ~ ~

Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.

~ ~ ~

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

~ ~ ~

How do you get a good price on a sled? You have toboggan.

~ ~ ~

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.

~ ~ ~

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

~ ~ ~

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!

~ ~ ~

Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

~ ~ ~

Can February March? No, but April May!

~ ~ ~

How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!

~ ~ ~

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.

~ ~ ~

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.

~ ~ ~

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.

~ ~ ~

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.

~ ~ ~

--------------

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--------------

I have a joke about a construction job, but I’m still working on it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about time travel, but I know you've already heard it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts to tell it.

~ ~ ~

I had a joke about canned orange juice, but I couldn't concentrate.

~ ~ ~

I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about nepotism, but I'll only give it to my kids.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.

~ ~ ~

Q: What's E.T. short for?

A: Because he's only got tiny legs!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s email password?

A: 1Forrest1

~ ~ ~

Q: What does Jeff Bezos do before he goes to bed?

A: He puts his PJ Amazon.

~ ~ ~

Q: How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

A: You follow the fresh prints.

~ ~ ~

Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast?

A: On the dark side.

~ ~ ~

Q: Why doesn't Apple start making cars?

A: They wouldn't be able to include Windows.

~ ~ ~

Q: What type of coordination was Whitney Houston most famous for?

A: “Hand eeeeyeeeeee!" (i.e. from the song lyric "And I will always love you")

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you say when Dwayne Johnson buys something to cut with?

A: Rock pay-for scissors.

~ ~ ~

People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love “Every Move You Make”.

~ ~ ~

I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness.

~ ~ ~

To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my limbo stick: That was a new low.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my dictionary: I have no words.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I hope you can't sleep at night.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the full glass say to the empty glass?

A: You look drunk!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller?

A: Spot!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you say when your favorite smoke shop is replaced by a J. Crew?

A: Clothes, but no cigar!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why did the Karen press CTRL+ ALT+ DEL?

A: Because she wanted to see the task manager!

~ ~ ~

I'm so excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!

~ ~ ~

Once I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

~ ~ ~

I got so excited that spring is here that I wet my plants.

~ ~ ~

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with. She said yes, all the rest had been nines and tens.

~ ~ ~

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

~ ~ ~

Kid to Dad: Ok, I’ll call you later. Dad to Kid: Ok, but please call me Dad.

~ ~ ~

Kid: Dad, my nose is running.

Dad: Well, you better go catch it!

~ ~ ~

Kid: What time is it?

Dad: Time to get a watch!

~ ~ ~

Kid: Can you put my shoes on?

Dad: No, I don't think they'll fit me.

~ ~ ~

Kid: Ow, I hurt my foot!

Dad: Well, what’d you do that for?

~ ~ ~

Kid: Dad, how do I look?

Dad: With your eyes.

~ ~ ~

Kid: What’s that?

Dad: It’s a henweigh.

Kid: What’s a henweigh?

Dad: About two pounds.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

Q: Why can’t you send a duck to space?

A: Because his bill would be astronomical!

~ ~ ~

Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches?

A: The outside!

~ ~ ~

Q: What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested?

A: They gave him a tough sentence.

~ ~ ~

Q: Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle?

A: They got over it!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?

A: A fsh.

~ ~ ~

Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?

A: Any breed of dog! Skyscrapers can’t jump.

~ ~ ~

Q: Why are elevator jokes so good?

A: They work on many levels!

~ ~ ~

Q: What state is known for its tiny beverages?

A: Minne-sota!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer?

A: Because it didn’t like its toner voice.

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?

A: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?

A: Live stream it!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why did the broom decide to go to bed?

A: It was very sweepy!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?

A: Because they often have to draw blood!

~ ~ ~

Q: Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident?

A: Yeah, now he’s a rect-angle!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?

A: Toad!

~ ~ ~

Q: How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?

A: It is either one or the utter.

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why can’t you ever run through a campsite?

A: You can only ran — it’s always past tents!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?

A: She said its days were numbered!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why is it hard to understand volunteers?

A: Because they make no cents!

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the police officer say to his belly-button under his bulletproof vest?

A: Hold it right there! You’re under a VEST!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?

A: Leave the pizza in the oven!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a hippie’s wife?

A: Miss-issippi!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the difference between a badly dressed kid on a bicycle and a well dressed kid on a tricycle?

A: Attire!

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the bandleader call his twin daughters?

A: Anna One, Anna Two!

~ ~ ~

Q: Did you hear about the king who was exactly 12 inches tall?

A: He was a great ruler!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A: One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter.

~ ~ ~

Q: How do you cure a fear of a speed bump?

A: You slowly get over it.

~ ~ ~

Q: Why is the cow always smiling?

A: Because it's in a good mooood!

~ ~ ~

Q: When did they find water on the moon?

A: When it was waning!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?

A: Because he Neverlands!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?

A: It’s a big waist of space!

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the photon say to the hotel bellhop?

A: I have no luggage. I’m traveling light!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why did the coffee go to the police?

A: To report a mugging!

~ ~ ~

Q: What's the difference between a "dad joke" and a "bad joke?"

A: The direction of the first letter.

~ ~ ~

Q: When does a regular joke become a “dad joke?”

A: When it becomes apparent!

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about putting in a light bulb, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.

~ ~ ~

I had a joke about banking, but I lost interest.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about cows, but I don't want to milk it for what it's worth.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.

~ ~ ~

I have a scary joke about math, but I'm 2² to say it.

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penneless.

~ ~ ~

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

~ ~ ~

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

~ ~ ~

Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

~ ~ ~

A magician was driving down the street — then he turned into a McDonalds.

~ ~ ~

We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

~ ~ ~

I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!

~ ~ ~

At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.

~ ~ ~

My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.

~ ~ ~

I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.

~ ~ ~

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.

~ ~ ~

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my week immune system.

~ ~ ~

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

~ ~ ~

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.

~ ~ ~

I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

~ ~ ~

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!

~ ~ ~

My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

~ ~ ~

I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.

~ ~ ~

I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!

~ ~ ~

I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

~ ~ ~

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch — Yeti never complains.

~ ~ ~

Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.

~ ~ ~

A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.

~ ~ ~

I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.

~ ~ ~

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.

~ ~ ~

It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.

~ ~ ~

I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!

~ ~ ~

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

~ ~ ~

Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.

~ ~ ~

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

~ ~ ~

Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the swimming pool.

~ ~ ~

I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!

~ ~ ~

I can tell when you're lying just by looking at you. I can also tell when you're standing.

~ ~ ~

Our choir director was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.

~ ~ ~

Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list, and now I can't read what else is on it.

~ ~ ~

Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.

~ ~ ~

My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "get well soon" card.

~ ~ ~

Lance isn't that common a name for men these days, but in medieval times, they were called Lance a lot.

~ ~ ~

After dinner Mom asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start coming down the hall, but I made it.

~ ~ ~

I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit a-low-ha-ha-ha.

~ ~ ~

Q: What does a baby computer call its father?

A: Data!

~ ~ ~

Q: Where do pirates get their hooks?

A: Second hand stores!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die?

A: They dilate!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a line of dads waiting to get haircuts?

A: The barber-queue!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a beehive with no exit?

A: Un-bee-liev-able!

~ ~ ~

Q: What did the doctor say to the panicked man who was afraid he was shrinking?

A: Settle down — you'll have to learn to be a little patient!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?

A: Because they had a fight and 2021!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

A: Because a toothbrush works better!

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call a rude cow?

A: Beef jerky!

~ ~ ~

Q: What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland?

A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why are balloons so expensive?

A: Inflation!

~ ~ ~

Q: What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment?

A: Tooth hurty!

~ ~ ~

Q: Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?

A: Joke! Joke! Jooooooooooooooooke.

~ ~ ~

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

A: Nacho cheese!

~ ~ ~

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--------------

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

~ ~ ~

How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

~ ~ ~

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

~ ~ ~

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

~ ~ ~

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it around!

~ ~ ~

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

~ ~ ~

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.

~ ~ ~

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.

~ ~ ~

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

~ ~ ~

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow! Who's there?

~ ~ ~

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.

~ ~ ~

Why is the undertaker your best friend? He's the last to let you down.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the funeral home's new financial arrangement? They call it their "Easy Lay Away" plan.

~ ~ ~

What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.

~ ~ ~

Dad: Son, can you put the cat out? Son: I didn't know it was on fire.

~ ~ ~

How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the new hamburger condiment in an aerosol can? It's called "Lettuce Spray".

~ ~ ~

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

~ ~ ~

Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.

~ ~ ~

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

~ ~ ~

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentickles.

~ ~ ~

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

~ ~ ~

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

~ ~ ~

What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!

~ ~ ~

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

~ ~ ~

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

~ ~ ~

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

~ ~ ~

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!

~ ~ ~

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

~ ~ ~

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.

~ ~ ~

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

~ ~ ~

A guy walks into a bar... and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

~ ~ ~

You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

~ ~ ~

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

~ ~ ~

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which one is delivered first.

~ ~ ~

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.

~ ~ ~

That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

~ ~ ~

Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

~ ~ ~

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

~ ~ ~

What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

~ ~ ~

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.

~ ~ ~

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

~ ~ ~

I hate my job at the Coke factory — all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

~ ~ ~

Mom keeps asking why I have so much candy. She doesn't know I always keep a few Twix up my sleeve.

~ ~ ~

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet — it was clogged.

~ ~ ~

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

~ ~ ~

I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.

~ ~ ~

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet — I just don't know y.

~ ~ ~

My dream job is to clean mirrors, because I can really see myself doing that.

~ ~ ~

I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.

~ ~ ~

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

~ ~ ~

RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.

~ ~ ~

Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.

~ ~ ~

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!

~ ~ ~

I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

~ ~ ~

Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

~ ~ ~

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

~ ~ ~

Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

~ ~ ~

6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.

~ ~ ~

Whenever you get a bad sausage, it's just the wurst.

~ ~ ~

My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.

~ ~ ~

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

~ ~ ~

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What’s a dog’s favorite super hero? Labra-Thor.

~ ~ ~

I was walking down the beach when I heard a swimmer yelling for help with a shark circling him. I just laughed... I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

~ ~ ~

You are on a horse riding full gallop. Next to you is a giraffe at full gallop, and behind you is a lion on your tail. What do you do? Get off the carousel.

~ ~ ~

What family does the zebra belong to? Can't say, none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth? Stuck.

~ ~ ~

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar? A little walkie-talkie.

~ ~ ~

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

~ ~ ~

Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

~ ~ ~

A pony walks into a noisy bar and tries to order a beer. Bartender says “I can’t hear you! You’ll have to speak up!” Pony says: “Sorry! I’m a little horse!”

~ ~ ~

Why did the baseball player get fired? He ran 3 bases then walked home.

~ ~ ~

Why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net.

~ ~ ~

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

~ ~ ~

What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they always fast!

~ ~ ~

My dad told me a joke about boxing and it floored me. I guess I missed the punch line.

~ ~ ~

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!

~ ~ ~

Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform? New Jersey.

~ ~ ~

Why don't football players were glasses? It's a contact sport.

~ ~ ~

What's the best animal in soccer? A score-pion.

~ ~ ~

What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby? One takes a snap, the other takes a nap.

~ ~ ~

I used to be addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.

~ ~ ~

Why can't pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.

~ ~ ~

Why shouldn't you play tennis in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

~ ~ ~

What does a sports fan have in common with an angry chicken? A foul mouth.

~ ~ ~

Why couldn't the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.

~ ~ ~

Why was the calendar so sad? Because its days are numbered.

~ ~ ~

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. I told here that would be a big step forward.

~ ~ ~

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

~ ~ ~

"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

~ ~ ~

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

~ ~ ~

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

~ ~ ~

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

~ ~ ~

How does dry skin affect you at work? You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a factory that makes mediocre products? A satis-factory.

~ ~ ~

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

~ ~ ~

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet and spread his arms wide? Supplies!

~ ~ ~

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

~ ~ ~

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

~ ~ ~

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

~ ~ ~

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

~ ~ ~

How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

~ ~ ~

What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.

~ ~ ~

What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.

~ ~ ~

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'

~ ~ ~

Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!

~ ~ ~

I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.

~ ~ ~

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Hey Mom, where's Pop Corn?

~ ~ ~

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

~ ~ ~

Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

~ ~ ~

What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!

~ ~ ~

Dad, did you get a haircut? Yes, and in fact, I got them all cut!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.

~ ~ ~

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind. That proves you're old enough.

~ ~ ~

Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.

~ ~ ~

I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

~ ~ ~

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What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Starfish.

~ ~ ~

Do you think a frog can jump higher than a house? Well of course! Everyone knows a house can't jump.

~ ~ ~

I was going to try an all-almond diet this year, but that's just NUTS!

~ ~ ~

I once submitted 10 puns to a contest called "The Best Pun Of The Month". I really thought one was sure to be a winner but sadly, I did not win because "no pun in ten did".

~ ~ ~

Why did the old man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

~ ~ ~

What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano. What about the glue? I'm still stuck on that one.

~ ~ ~

I met my wife at a glue factory. We bonded immediately.

~ ~ ~

My wife just got a new job at the grease factory. Now, I can't ever get hold of her.

~ ~ ~

I just got a new job as a salesman at our town's gas works. I was amazed to learn that over 50% of our citizens already had gas.

~ ~ ~

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, "Do you have a favorite song?" The other replies, "Well... all my life I have been a heavy metal fan."

~ ~ ~

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.

~ ~ ~

I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.

~ ~ ~

How many storm troopers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they are all on the dark side.

~ ~ ~

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.

~ ~ ~

Hi, I’m Cliff. Why don't you drop over sometime?

~ ~ ~

Whenever my Dad puts the car in reverse he always says, "Ah! This takes me back!"

~ ~ ~

What do you call the security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the Galaxy.

~ ~ ~

I was making a joke about my retirement but it turns out it didn't work.

~ ~ ~

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it I found that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am!

~ ~ ~

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me while I was browsing their selections so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine! Suit yourself!

~ ~ ~

Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he finally woke up after a while.

~ ~ ~

I found a book called "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems". So I bought 2 of them.

~ ~ ~

The other day, I saw a sign that said, "MEN'S PANTS HALF-OFF". So I asked the clerk, "If I buy 2 pair, does that make them free?" She looked confused.

~ ~ ~

Customer: "Waiter, this coffee taste like dirt!" Waiter: "That's because it was ground just a few minutes ago."

~ ~ ~

What is the best present for a kid? Broken drums! You just can't beat them.

~ ~ ~

I made song about a tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.

~ ~ ~

Did you know corduroy pillows are back in style? Yes, it's true! And they're making headlines.

~ ~ ~

What word can you make shorter by adding just two letters? The word "short".

~ ~ ~

What do call a criminal landing an airplane? "Condescending".

~ ~ ~

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

~ ~ ~

Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

~ ~ ~

Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

~ ~ ~

Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They are always dropping their needles.

~ ~ ~

What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler than you.

~ ~ ~

Why couldn’t the tree get on his computer? Because he could not log on.

~ ~ ~

What's a skeleton's favorite type of road? A dead end.

~ ~ ~

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, It just wined a little.

~ ~ ~

What did the alien say to the landscaper? Take me to your weeder.

~ ~ ~

How many apples grow on the average apple tree? All of them.

~ ~ ~

Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out man!

~ ~ ~

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.

~ ~ ~

The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I was able to escape when I went right for the juggler.

~ ~ ~

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the famous pickle? He's a really big dill.

~ ~ ~

How does Vin Diesel keep in touch with the Fast and Furious crew? On a Zoom call.

~ ~ ~

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

~ ~ ~

How much does a chimney cost. Nothing, it's on the house.

~ ~ ~

Why do only some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

~ ~ ~

How do you make 7 even? Take away the S.

~ ~ ~

Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a broken clock? A waste of time.

~ ~ ~

Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake. He was stuffed.

~ ~ ~

What's an astronaut's favorite board game? Moon-opoly

~ ~ ~

How do you make Budweiser? Send him to school.

~ ~ ~

What is Santa’s favorite state to visit? Ida Ho Ho Ho!

~ ~ ~

I hate traffic circles because they are pointless.

~ ~ ~

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Have you ever wondered how a fire-breathing dragon blows out the candles on their birthday cake?

~ ~ ~

Bob: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Rob: That's easy. Anybody can roast beef!

~ ~ ~

"Yes, my husband is missing," the woman replies with concern. "My kids buried him in the sand and now we can't find him."

"Do you remember where you were sitting?" the lifeguard asks. The woman looks up at him incredulously. "Don't be silly, how can I remember where we were sitting a year ago?"

~ ~ ~

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart!

Me: Not really, I've already beat him two games out of three!

~ ~ ~

When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"

Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent so we don't sound them out."

During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her meatloaf in a plastic container & asked me to heat it in microwave in the cafeteria. But I ate all the meatloaf and returned her an empty container.

Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I asked you to HEAT my food... not to EAT my food!"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."

~ ~ ~

Bill: Whatcha been doing lately?

Phil: I won a million dollars in the Lottery and was so thankful that I donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.

Bill: REALLY?!

Phil: Yeah. I did but I still have $999,999.75 left.

~ ~ ~

Bill: Whatcha been doing lately?

Phil: I had an accident last week.

Bill: Really? What happened?

Phil: I was driving through the mountains in an area I had never been in before and my GPS told me to turn around.

Bill: And...

Phil: So I did, but I couldn't see where I was going and I ran off the road!

~ ~ ~

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I can learn which ones I can do without."

~ ~ ~

When I got home from work today I found my kids were still on Ebay.

If they are still there tomorrow, I will lower the price.

~ ~ ~

We told the contractor who was doing our whole-house renovation over and over again not to carpet our steps….

But he just kept giving us blank stairs!

~ ~ ~

What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"?

Iron Man" is a Marvel superhero.

"Iron Woman" is a verbal command from days gone by.

~ ~ ~

Somebody once told me, "Follow your dreams!"

So I said "Great advice!!"

And then I went back to bed.

~ ~ ~

John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even need glasses."

Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"

John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

~ ~ ~

Woman answering the phone: "Hello?"

Unknown male voice: "We have your son and you'll have to pay us $25,000 to get him back."

Woman: "But we don't have a son."

Unknown male voice: "Then who just asked for warm milk, made us cut the crust off his sandwiches and gave us your number to call you?"

Woman: "Oh, you have my husband. You'll have to pay ME the $25,000 before you can return him."

~ ~ ~

Son: Dad, You are my hero.

Dad: Really?

Son: Yes. Can you give me an autograph with your eyes closed?

Dad: Well, yes, of course.

Son: That's great! Then here, close your eyes and sign my report card.

~ ~ ~

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.

Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

~ ~ ~

Inflation is so high I just saw a burglar breaking into his own house.

I asked: “What are you doing?”

He said: “Im having to work from home now.

~ ~ ~

Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.

Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television.

~ ~ ~

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, "Maybe you could use the silver or white ones instead."

The customer smiled and said, "Thank you but I can tell that you're not married."

~ ~ ~

The trouble with instant gratification is that it takes way too long."

~ ~ ~

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?"

"No champ, I never did."

"That's a good thing."

"You're telling me," began grandpa, "I was the cook!"

~ ~ ~

Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.

Must be all the indoor-fins.

~ ~ ~

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”

“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out!”

~ ~ ~

What do mermaids use to wash their fins? They use Tide.

~ ~ ~

What did the skillet eat on its birthday? Pan-cakes.

~ ~ ~

I went to a silent auction. It turns out at the end of the day I had purchased a dog whistle and 2 mimes.

~ ~ ~

How is my wallet like an onion? Every time I open it, I cry.

~ ~ ~

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--------------

I'm really tired today. I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.

~ ~ ~

Yesterday, I looked in a thesaurus for the word "thesaurus". I think I felt the universe shudder a little bit.

~ ~ ~

When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. Eventually, I was an only child.

~ ~ ~

I was trying to daydream this morning. But my mind kept wandering.

~ ~ ~

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and then I'll hook up with them later.

~ ~ ~

I'm writing a book this year. I already have the page numbers done. Now, I just have to fill in the rest.

~ ~ ~

When you think about it, every book is a children’s book if the child can read.

~ ~ ~

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. Who is the real winner here?

~ ~ ~

I remember the day our local candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

~ ~ ~

Yesterday, I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one. So I just got a cake and stuck the candles in it.

~ ~ ~

Have you ever seen a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

~ ~ ~

I heard there was a power outage at the department store yesterday. They said on the news that 20 people were trapped on the escalators for hours.

~ ~ ~

Did you ever think that actually an escalator can never break. It just becomes a set of stairs.

~ ~ ~

Last month I took my dog for a walk all the way from New York to Florida and back. I said to him "There, now you're done for the rest of your life".

~ ~ ~

Eating white rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.

~ ~ ~

Whenever I go into Subway, I always order a club sandwich. However, I always feel guilty about it because I've never really joined the club and I wonder how much longer I can get away with it.

~ ~ ~

I got food poisoning yesterday but I haven't decided when I'm planning to use it.

~ ~ ~

I bought my wife some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrapping Department and ask them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.

~ ~ ~

Last Spring, I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

~ ~ ~

I'm very sad! All my fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them enough.

~ ~ ~

I saw a commercial on TV that said, "Forget everything you know about new flooring". So I did, and it was a big load off of my mind.

~ ~ ~

Fred: I’ve invented a car that runs on water.

Ed: Why does it have such huge balloon tires?

Fred: So it can run on water! DUH!

~ ~ ~

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...

As you might have already guessed, my dog is a member of Congress!

~ ~ ~

Fred: You know, everyone's heard of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as the ninth reindeer, but many people don't know that there is a tenth one whose name was Olive.

Ned: Olive? Really?

Fred: Oh yeah! You know... "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

~ ~ ~-

Bill: Have you been shopping at the mall this Christmas?

Phil: No, it's WAAAAY too crowded! What about you?

Bill: Yeah, I have. And while I was there I saw a spaceman.

Phil: What do you mean you saw a spaceman?

Bill: I was driving around for about 10 minutes and then I saw a space man so I parked in it before anyone else could grab it!

~ ~ ~

Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.

Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television.

~ ~ ~-

The math teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?"

After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left."

The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?

Johnny replied again, "Two left."

Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away."

Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!"

~ ~ ~

Patient: Doctor, I'm thinking that I may be losing my hearing.

Doctor: Can you tell me what you know of the symptoms?

Patient: Yes, it's a very popular show on tv. Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair, Bart is a smart alec and Lisa is a sweetheart...

~ ~ ~~ ~ ~--

A man went into a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went into it.

The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"

The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."

~ ~ ~

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

~ ~ ~

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords so l had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

~ ~ ~

Bob and Rob are golfing, when a bird flies overhead.

"Wow! What a big duck!" Bob says. "That's no duck, it's a goose." Rob says.

"No, it's a duck!" Bob says. "I say it's a goose!" Rob says. And so the argument went. "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!"

Another golfer behind them, playing the hole, yells, "Fore!" and hits the ball.

Bob sees the ball coming and yells, "Duck!"

Rob yells back, "Goose!"

BONK!

~ ~ ~

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Diner to waiter: Excuse me but I've been waiting for my breakfast for quite a while now. Will the pancakes be much longer?

Waiter to diner: No sir, they will still be round. Just like always.

~ ~ ~

A baby camel was born at the zoo last week with no hump. So they named him Humphrey.

~ ~ ~

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey... You know she's a keeper!

~ ~ ~

A man came back to the dealer where he had just bought a new car.

“I believe you told me that I have a guarantee with my new car if anything breaks during the first year you will replace it right?” he said.

“That’s right, sir,” the salesman answered. “We will replace anything that breaks for up to one year.”

“Great!", he said. "I need you to come to my house and install a new garage door.

~ ~ ~

And what about this irony?...

A member of the First Baptist Church hired a woman to do her housecleaning so she could volunteer to help watch the kids at their Mother's Day Out program.

It turns out she was helping take care of two of the children who belong to the woman who was doing her housecleaning!

~ ~ ~

Bill: Yesterday, I had $400 cash and our daughter called left a voicemail saying that she needed $300. Then, immediately after, our son called and left a voicemail saying that he needed $100.

Phil: And...

Bill: And so, I still have my $400 and the 2 voicemails!

~ ~ ~

Bob: Last night, I asked my wife when her birthday was.

Rob: And...

Bob: She said March 1st.

Rob: And...

Bob: So I walked around the room and asked her again.

~ ~ ~~ ~ ~

Teacher: Who can tell me what is a forum?

Little Johnny: It's a two-um plus two-um!

~ ~ ~

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison:

Poison I, II and III would all kill you.

However Poison IV, would just make you really itchy!

~ ~ ~

Barber: (To a long-haired teenager) Ok son. You're next.

Teenager: I'm not waiting for a haircut.

Barber: What are you waiting for?

Teenager: Nothing. My Dad's looking for me and this is the last place in the world he would look.

~ ~ ~

Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?

Little Johnny: I just killed one. The rest flew away.

~ ~ ~

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

~ ~ ~

Bill: My wife texted me “I love U”.

Phil: How nice!

Bill: I texted her back, "That’s my favorite letter too."

~ ~ ~

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?

"Tequila Mockingbird"

~ ~ ~

Confucius say:

"Give a man a fish, and he’ll put it on Facebook." "Teach a man a fish, and he’ll put that on Facebook too." "Teach a man to cook a fish on the backyard grill and... (you guessed it!)

"Man who run behind car get exhausted."

"Man who run in front of car get tired."

"Man who eat cookies in bed have a crummy night."

~ ~ ~

Girl to her new boyfriend: "Do you love me with all your heart and soul?"

Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!"

Girl to her new boyfriend: "Do you think I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world?"

Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!"

Girl to her new boyfriend: "Do you think my eyes are like shimmering pools of crystal?"

Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!"

Girl to her new boyfriend: "See, that's why I love you so much. You say the most beautiful things about me!"

~ ~ ~

Wife to husband: "Let's go out antique shopping today. I'm feeling like Victorian."

Husband to wife: "No, we cannot!'

Wife to husband: "And why not?"

Husband to wife: "Because I'm feeling very Baroque!"

~ ~ ~

I gave my father $100 for his birthday and wrote in his card, “Take this cash and buy yourself something that will make your life a little easier.”

So he went out and bought a Christmas present for his mother-in-law.

~ ~ ~

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

~ ~ ~

I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.

"I'm assuming this is your costume. But what are you supposed to be?" I asked.

The waitress responded proudly, "A sea sponge. I'm totally self-absorbed."

~ ~ ~

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Dear Lord, are you STILL in there?!'"

~ ~ ~

My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.

We have since split up, I guess you can say "It’s all water under the fridge!"

~ ~ ~

Father to Little Johnny: Didn’t you promise you wouldn't eat cookies before supper?

Little Johnny: Yes, father.

Father to Little Johnny: And didn’t you promise to be a good boy?

Little Johnny: Yes, father.

Father to Little Johnny: And didn’t I tell you what would happen if you broke your promise to be a good boy?

Little Johnny: Yes, father. But since I’ve broken my promise, I'll forgive you if you break yours.

~ ~ ~

I went to a general store yesterday. However, I didn't buy anything specific.

~ ~ ~

When I woke up this morning, my wife asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes".

~ ~ ~

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the heck did my roof go?"

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

At long last the boss was compelled to call his salesman into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your mother to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed the salesman. "I didn't realize it... you don't suppose she's faking being sick, do you?"

~ ~ ~

Two cowboys were lost in the desert when they spotted a tree with what they thought was draped in bacon strips.

"We're saved!" shouted one cowboy. But when he ran up to the tree, he was shot multiple times.

It turns out it wasn't a bacon tree after all. It was a "ham-bush".

~ ~ ~

LITTLE KNOWN LAWS:

The Law Of The Shortest Line - If you try to pick the shortest line at the grocery store, the one you rejected will move faster than the one you selected.

The Law of the Bathtub - When you are fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

The Law of the Auto - When you take your car into the repair shop, it won't make the noise that it did on the way there.

The Law of Selective Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the area.

The Law of Repairs - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ ~ ~

What happens when a bunch of cougars loses their hearing?

They become Def Leppards!

~ ~ ~

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space.

Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine?"

~ ~ ~

People say that money is not the key to happiness...

But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

~ ~ ~

A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“…Which bus would I take home?”

~ ~ ~

Wife: Why are you late?

Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Husband: No, I was standing on it waiting for the next bus.

~ ~ ~

Teen #1: I took the girl you set me up with to a matinee, we watched the Wizard of Oz. Afterwards we went to brunch.

Teen #2: Sounds great, will there be a second date?

Teen #1: I don’t think so, during the meal she kept clicking her heels together three times saying, "I want to go home".

~ ~ ~

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad.

He opens the door to a small office and paid his money. When he went on the cruise they but him in a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean. "Well, this sucks," he says out loud.

A second man floats by, also in a barrel. "Tell me about it!" the second man replies. "This is year's cruise is even worse than last year's!"

~ ~ ~

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!

Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.

Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!

Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?

~ ~ ~

My doctor's diagnosis was that I have high blood pressure.

I took that diagnosis with a grain of salt.

~ ~ ~

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Oh I'm sorry," responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

~ ~ ~

My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25 cents apiece.

Everyone called him Quarter Roy.

~ ~ ~

I had always prided myself on being an "on time" person for all events. One morning I overslept and rushed around getting ready for Sunday school. As I ran out the door, my wife was yelling something to me.

"What?" I called back. "Don't slow me down, I don't' want to be late!"

"No you're not late," she responded. "You're a day early. It's Saturday morning."

~ ~ ~

A dad was at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices and ask the salesperson a question.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “No. Car no do that... car go on road.”

~ ~ ~

Woman: I tell you, Doctor, even though I’m dieting, I’m still gaining weight!

Doctor: You might be pregnant.

Woman: What?! That can’t be, I use birth control pills!

Doctor: That’s not a hundred percent certain.

Woman: Then what is?

Doctor: Abstinence.

Woman: Ok. Would you write me a prescription for it?

~ ~ ~

Bill: You look terrible today.

Phil: Yeah! I’ve got a bad case insomnia.

Bill: What’s keeping you awake at night?

Phil: It's my boss! He makes me so mad bugging me all day! Then, when comes time to go to bed, I’m so full of “I should’ve said..." I can’t get any shut-eye!

Bill: What’s he got against you anyway?

Phil: He says I keep falling asleep on the job.

~ ~ ~

I read somewhere that it takes a village to raise a child...

Where is this village and is there a number I can call?

~ ~ ~

Mom: How did you finally get our son to mow the lawn?

Dad: He asked me to borrow the car for his date to the dance tonight and I told him I’d lost keys in the grass but if he could find them, then he can borrow the car.

~ ~ ~

At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.

Several times during his speech, he halted and finally said "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."

Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

~ ~ ~

Bill: I'm reading a book called "Quick Money for Dummies"...

Phil: Who wrote it?

Bill: Robin Banks.

~ ~ ~

Why can’t you put two half-dollars in your pocket?

Because two halves make a hole, and your money will fall out!

~ ~ ~

I'm not a fan of spring cleaning.

Let's be honest, I'm also not into cleaning during the summer, fall, or winter either.

~ ~ ~

One Sunday morning, the preacher saw little Johnny staring up at the large plaque in the church's foyer which was covered with names and small American flags.

The boy asked, "What is this?"

The preacher answered, "It's a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service."

Little Johnny asked, "Which service? The 8:30 or the 11AM?"

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

~ ~ ~

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

~ ~ ~

What is the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven.

~ ~ ~

Can February March?

No, but April May!

~ ~ ~

Why is that picture in jail?

Because it was framed.

~ ~ ~

Why is the math book sad?

It has too many problems.

~ ~ ~

Who cleans the ocean?

Mer-maids!

~ ~ ~

What has two legs but can’t walk?

A pair of pants.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a bee that couldn’t make up his mind?

A may-bee.

~ ~ ~

If I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. What am I?

I'm a faux pa.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a lonely cheese?

Provolone.

~ ~ ~

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

If they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

~ ~ ~

Why did the turkey join a band?

So he could use his drumsticks.

~ ~ ~

Why was the teenager no longer allowed online without a license?

Because he crashed his computer.

~ ~ ~

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

Put a lox on it.

~ ~ ~

What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

This tastes a little funny.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the guy giving away dead batteries?

They were free of charge.

~ ~ ~

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”

~ ~ ~

Some military leaders recently gave an AI app a difficult strategic tactical problem to solve and asked he pivotal question: should we ATTACK or RETREAT?

In just a few seconds the AI answered: "YES".

The generals looked at each other, and then submitted a second question: YES WHAT?

Instantly the AI responded: "SIR, YES SIR!"

~ ~ ~

Bill: This morning, I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high on her forehead.

Phil: And...

Bill: She looked surprised!

~ ~ ~

Why should you never play poker at the zoo?

There are way too many cheetahs!

~ ~ ~

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

~ ~ ~

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires a "tweetment" and the other requires some "oinkment".

~ ~ ~

Why are there fences around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

~ ~ ~

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

~ ~ ~

Why can’t someone have a nose that is 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a factory that sells good products?

A: A satisfactory!

~ ~ ~

Why didn't the husband report his credit card was stolen?

Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

~ ~ ~

An older lady was driving when she was pulled over by the police. She asked the officer to let her off thout a ticket.

“Sorry ma’am but anyone over 55 get a citation.”

“What! No! That’s blatant age discrimination!” she shouted.

The officer explained, “Ma'am, what I'm talking about is anyone going over the 55 MPH speed limit gets a ticket.”

~ ~ ~

A 5th grade boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us." "And how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too," she said. "And grandpa and grandma?" he persisted. "Yes, the stork brought them too!" said the mom.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read: "This report was very difficult to write because there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations!"

~ ~ ~

"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." - Joan Rivers

~ ~ ~

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”

~ ~ ~

"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde

~ ~ ~

A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change to give me a reward."

~ ~ ~--

Bill and Phil were eating lunch at a crowded cafeteria which had a large sign reading: "Watch Your Coat and Hats."

Bill kept watching his coat and hat but Phil did not.

Phil said, "Why are you watching our coats and hats so much? I doubt anyone is going to take them."

Bill said, "I'm only watching mine, some guy just walked out with yours."

~ ~ ~

My niece calls me "Uncle Ankles"...

I call her my Knees.

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

They lactose!

(They "lack those")

~ ~ ~

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

~ ~ ~

Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

~ ~ ~

Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us.

~ ~ ~

How do you give a waterbed more bounce?

Just add SPRING water!

~ ~ ~

116. What job did the frog have at the hotel?

He was a BELLHOP!

~ ~ ~

Why don’t bananas ever feel lonely?

Because they all hang out in bunches.

~ ~ ~

I am on a 30-day diet.

So far, I’ve lost 15 days.

~ ~ ~

I'm not lazy...

I'm just on energy-saving mode.

~ ~ ~

A cheese factory exploded in France.

Da-brie was everywhere.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

An abdominal snowman!

~ ~ ~

What happens to an illegally parked frog?

It gets toad away.

~ ~ ~

What kind of car does an egg drive?

A yolks-wagen!

~ ~ ~

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality!

~ ~ ~

Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?

He was a little shellfish!

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?

He takes things personally!

~ ~ ~

When does a duck wake up?

At the quack of dawn!

~ ~ ~

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data!

~ ~ ~

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

~ ~ ~

Why was the bee's hair always sticky?

He used a honeycomb.

~ ~ ~

What do you call phoney spaghetti?

An im-pasta.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator!

~ ~ ~

What vegetables are a sailor’s enemies?

Leeks!

~ ~ ~

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

Because it wasn’t peeling well.

~ ~ ~

What’s a firefly’s favorite dance?

The glitterbug!

~ ~ ~

Where do roses sleep at night?

In their flowerbed!

~ ~ ~

Why was the politician out of breath?

He was running for office!

~ ~ ~

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

~ ~ ~

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet koala-fications.

~ ~ ~

Why can’t you play hockey with pigs?

They always hog the puck.

~ ~ ~

What classical ballet did the pig pen perform?

Swine Lake.

~ ~ ~

What’s a ballerina’s favorite number?

Two-two.

~ ~ ~

How did the duck buy lipstick?

She just put it on her bill.

~ ~ ~

What kind of tree can fit inside your hand?

A palm tree.

~ ~ ~

What steals from you when you're in your bathtub?

A robber duckie.

~ ~ ~

What kind of dog tells time?

A watch dog.

~ ~ ~

How do you identify a bald eagle?

All his feathers are combed over to one side of his head.

~ ~ ~

Why does a tiger have stripes?

So he will not be spotted.

~ ~ ~

What did one volcano say to the other volcano?

I lava-you.

~ ~ ~

What did one boat say to the other boat?

Are you interested in a little row-mance?

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage!

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

f athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?

Mistle-toes.

~ ~ ~

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso.

~ ~ ~

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

~ ~ ~

What did the cucumber say to the pickle?

You mean a great dill to me.

~ ~ ~

Where did the lettuce go for a drink?

The salad bar.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!

~ ~ ~

What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum?

He has a meltdown.

~ ~ ~

What goes up and down but doesn’t move?

Stairs.

~ ~ ~

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crumby.

~ ~ ~

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

~ ~ ~

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?

Swimming trunks.

~ ~ ~

What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired?

“Oh, snap!”

~ ~ ~

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

~ ~ ~

Why did the belt go to jail?

Because it held up a pair of pants.

~ ~ ~

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole-in-one.

~ ~ ~

How do rabbits travel?

They go on a hareplane.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore.

~ ~ ~

Why did the kid stock up on yeast?

He wanted to make some dough.

~ ~ ~

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarterback!

~ ~ ~

Why are elephants wrinkly?

Because you can’t iron them.

~ ~ ~

What did the cake say to the fork?

You want a piece of me?

~ ~ ~

How did the two cats end their fight?

They hissed and made up.

~ ~ ~

Why did the strawberry cry?

He found himself in a jam.

~ ~ ~

What’s black and white and read all over?

A newspaper!

~ ~ ~

What do you say to a cow that gets in your way?

“Moooo-ve!”

~ ~ ~

What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?

58!

~ ~ ~

What did the nut say to the other nut in a game of tag?

Imma cashew!

~ ~ ~

Why did an old man fall in a well?

Because he couldn’t see that well!

~ ~ ~

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

~ ~ ~

Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?

It’s a big waist of space.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

~ ~ ~

Why are peppers the best at archery?

Because they habanero!

~ ~ ~

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?

It is either one or the udder!

~ ~ ~

When is a door not a door?

When it’s ajar.

~ ~ ~

Why can’t you trust duck doctors?

They’re all quacks.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a musical bear?

A beartitone.

~ ~ ~

Why don’t melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

~ ~ ~

Why don’t oysters give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't-opener!

~ ~ ~

What did one plate say to the other?

Dinner is on me!

~ ~ ~

Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don’t know the words!

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

What is the first thing elves learn when they start school in the first grade?

They learn the "elf-a-bet".

~ ~ ~

Where was King David’s temple located?

Beside his ear.

~ ~ ~

What did one toilet say to another?

You look flushed.

~ ~ ~

What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

~ ~ ~

What does corn say when it gets a compliment?

Aw, shucks!

~ ~ ~

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

~ ~ ~

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, because it croaks every day.

~ ~ ~

A bossy man walked into a bar…

And ordered everyone a round.

~ ~ ~

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a pig that practices karate?

A pork chop.

~ ~ ~

Do you know what they say about a clean desk?

It's a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

~ ~ ~

How did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.

~ ~ ~

I told my friend 10 very dry jokes to make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

~ ~ ~

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?

Come on! Ketchup!

~ ~ ~

Why you write never try to write with a broken pen?

Because it’s pointless.

~ ~ ~

Why can't you trust the king of the jungle?

Because he's always lion.

~ ~ ~

What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner."

~ ~ ~

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry!

~ ~ ~

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they just ARRRR!

~ ~ ~

How do you organize a space party?

You planet.

~ ~ ~

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

~ ~ ~

What do cows read the most?

Cattle-logs.

~ ~ ~

I lost an electron.

You really have to keep an ion them!

~ ~ ~

What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunder pants!

~ ~ ~

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

~ ~ ~

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

~ ~ ~

What did the drummer name her twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2.

~ ~ ~

What did the lettuce say to the celery?

Quit stalking me!

~ ~ ~

What’s small and red and has a rough voice?

A hoarse raddish!

~ ~ ~

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

Because they are such fungis.

~ ~ ~

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?

Because there are too many ears listening!

~ ~ ~

Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet?

Because he always got lost at “C.”

~ ~ ~

How bad were the fish’s grades?

They were below sea level.

~ ~ ~

What do you call houseshoes made out of bananas?

Slippers.

~ ~ ~

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can’t put it down.

~ ~ ~

What kind of cheese isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese.

~ ~ ~

What does a spy do when he is cold?

He goes undercover.

~ ~ ~

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

~ ~ ~

When do computers overheat?

When they need to vent.

~ ~ ~

Why did the farmer win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

What was the name of the guy who was really, REALLY loud at the football game last night?

His name was Mike Raphone.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a retired legume?

A has-bean.

~ ~ ~

Why shouldn't you marry a calendar?

Because its days are numbered.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case?

Sheer Luck Holmes.

~ ~ ~

What is it called when you have too many aliens?

Extra-terrestrials.

~ ~ ~

What should you do if you’re cold?

Stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.

~ ~ ~

What does a clock do when it’s hungry?

It goes back for seconds.

~ ~ ~

Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen?

Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?

~ ~ ~

What does one eye say to the other eye?

Something between us smells.

~ ~ ~

Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something.

~ ~ ~

What’s the spookiest kind of author?

A ghost writer.

~ ~ ~

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?

Because every play has a cast.

~ ~ ~

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a keyboard?

The space bar.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

~ ~ ~

Why is it hard to eat near basketball players?

They dribble all the time.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the actor falling through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about the group ski trip?

It went downhill fast.

~ ~ ~

Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum?

It was just collecting dust.

~ ~ ~

I’m friends with only 25 letters of the alphabet…

I don’t know Y.

~ ~ ~

I was going to take a bath…

But then decided I was going to leave it where it was.

~ ~ ~

A bossy man walked into a bar…

And ordered everyone a round.

~ ~ ~

Why are goods delivered by ship called 'cargo' and goods delivered by car called a 'shipment'?

~ ~ ~

Why do people live in "apartments" when they are all so close together?

~ ~ ~

If you drop soap on the floor, is the soap dirty or is the floor clean?

~ ~ ~

Did you know if you clean your vacuum cleaner you are now a vacuum cleaner?

~ ~ ~

Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

~ ~ ~

What is a flea’s favorite way to travel?

By “itch hiking”.

~ ~ ~

What did the horse say after it tripped?

Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!

~ ~ ~

Why should you never play poker in the jungle?

There are way too many cheetahs!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a well-balanced horse?

Stable.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an angry carrot?

A steamed veggie.

~ ~ ~

Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank.

~ ~ ~

How do you make an egg roll?

You push it!

~ ~ ~

What would bears be without bees?

Ears.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a pile of cats?

A meow-ntain.

~ ~ ~

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

~ ~ ~

Why did the bicycle fall over?

Because it was two tired.

~ ~ ~

What did the triangle say to the circle?

You’re pointless.

~ ~ ~

Why do you say "RIP" to water that is boiling?

Because it will be mist!

~ ~ ~

You have heard it said that "time flies like an arrow".

But I say "fruit flies like a bananas!"

~ ~ ~

Yesterday, I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

I’ll let you know what comes first.

~ ~ ~

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball!

~ ~ ~

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

Why do whales live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze!

~ ~ ~

What are spiders really good at?

Surfing the web.

~ ~ ~

How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

~ ~ ~

Why is it a bad idea to play poker in the jungle?

Because there are waaay too many cheetahs!

~ ~ ~

Why didn’t the lion win the race?

Because he was racing a cheetah.

~ ~ ~

What social events do spiders love to attend?

They love to go to "webbings".

~ ~ ~

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fi-cations.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a well-balanced horse?

Stable.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

~ ~ ~

What’s the smartest insect?

A spelling bee!

~ ~ ~

Where do cows go on Friday nights for fun?

To the mooovies.

~ ~ ~

How do you make a baby snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a chicken that makes jokes?

A comedi-hen.

~ ~ ~

Why did the bee get married?

Because she found her honey.

~ ~ ~

Why can’t the leopard hide?

Because he’s always spotted.

~ ~ ~

What kind of jacket does an octopus wear?

An army jacket.

~ ~ ~

What sort of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad.

~ ~ ~

I was told I needed to stop acting like a flamingo...

So I put my foot down.

~ ~ ~

Where do horses live?

In the neighhhhhbourhood.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a goat who paints pictures?

Vincent Van Goat!

~ ~ ~

Why are mice afraid of swimming?

Because of all the catfish!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head?

A-Dell.

~ ~ ~

When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

~ ~ ~

What do toilets do when they're embarrassed?

They get a bit flushed.

~ ~ ~

How do you organize a space-themed party?

You planet.

~ ~ ~

Why do pancakes always win at baseball?

They have the best batter.

~ ~ ~

Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired?

He had a hard drive.

~ ~ ~

What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing. They fast.

~ ~ ~

How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying?

You rocket.

~ ~ ~

Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?

Because it's point-less.

~ ~ ~

What did the policeman say to his chest?

Hold it right there! You're under a vest!

~ ~ ~

Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet?

He kept getting lost at C.

~ ~ ~

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball.

~ ~ ~

What did the dentist win at the competition?

A little plaque.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a skeleton with only a head?

A nobody.

~ ~ ~

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's very heavy, and the other’s a little lighter.

~ ~ ~

Why do ghosts like to take the elevator?

It lifts their spirits.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a patronizing bear?

A pan-duh.

~ ~ ~

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

~ ~ ~

Why didn't the skeleton ever go on dates?

He didn't have the guts to ask anyone.

~ ~ ~

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

~ ~ ~

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

Because he's a pain in the neck.

~ ~ ~

--------------

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--------------

What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here. I’ll go on a-head.

~ ~ ~

How do you follow a book?

You track their footnotes.

~ ~ ~

How does the ocean say hi to the shoreline?

It just waves.

~ ~ ~

How did the art competition end?

In a draw.

~ ~ ~

Where can you buy soup in bulk?

At the stock market.

~ ~ ~

What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese.

~ ~ ~

Which month of the year has 28 days?

ALL of them!

~ ~ ~

Why was the broom late to work?

It over-swept.

~ ~ ~

What does a pig use in the shower?

Hog wash.

~ ~ ~

I read somewhere that it takes a village to raise a child...

I want to know where is this village and is there a number I can call to see if they will take our child?

~ ~ ~

If a book about failures doesn't sell, do you call it a success?

~ ~ ~

Did you ever realize when you clean a vacuum cleaner you become a vacuum cleaner?

~ ~ ~

Why is it we cook bacon and bake cookies?

~ ~ ~

When you go out to eat and you wait for your waiter, do you become a waiter?

~ ~ ~

Why is that if you send something by a car it's a shipment but if you send something by ship it's cargo?

~ ~ ~

Why is it that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

~ ~ ~

Did you know the word "colonel" does not have an "r" in it.

~ ~ ~

Why is Roger's name is pronounced "Roger" but Kroger's is not pronounced "K-Roger's".

~ ~ ~

Why is it if a husband asks his wife who is mad about something "What's wrong honey?" and she says, "NOTHING! Why would you think something's wrong?" That means he needs to find out what's wrong real quick!

~ ~ ~

Your veterinarian won't tell you this but I just read on the internet that if your dog is running a fever, you should go to the store and buy some high quality ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard and relish. They said it's the best thing to put on a hot dog!

~ ~ ~

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. But I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up."

~ ~ ~

"I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off."

~ ~ ~

“What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-que!”

~ ~ ~

What do you call a cat at the beach at Christmas?

"Sandy Claws"

~ ~ ~

I went to the dentist the other day and he told me I had five cavities.

He asked me "Do you brush your teeth everyday?"

I told him "No I don't bother to brush because I live alone."

He said "Why does the fact that you live alone cause you not to brush your teeth?"

I told him, "Because I have always heard 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities."

~ ~ ~

The diner inquired of the server, "What flavors of ice cream do you have?"

"We have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," the server answered in a hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the diner asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"

"No...." the server answered with some effort, "We only have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

~ ~ ~

My wife is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes.

I asked her, "What do you think I should to stop my addiction?"

She said, "Whatever means necessary!"

"Oh no!", I said, "Whatever does NOT mean necessary."

Then she suddenly left the room screaming! She said, "AAAAGGGH! I just can't take it anymore!"

So I said, "What's the matter honey? Did I say something wrong?"

~ ~ ~

A blonde lady walked into a bank and presented a check to be cashed.

The clerk said. “May I see some ID.”

The blonde asked, "What do you mean?"

The clerk said. “We require something that proves who you are."

So the blonde opened her phone and showed the clerk a picture of herself with her little girl. That’s me in the middle,” she said.

~ ~ ~

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

~ ~ ~

What do you call a midget psychic who just robbed a bank?

A small medium at large.

~ ~ ~

A shopper was in a high-end retail store and said to the clerk, "I only have a limited amount of money and I can't decide if I should buy a windbreaker or a pair of sweatpants.

So the clerk replies, "Well, it depends on whether you are planning to sweat or break wind!"

~ ~ ~

Bill: What did you name your new dog?

Phil: I named him "Minton".

Bill: You named him "MINTON"? How do you spell it?

Phil: It's spelled "M-I-N-T-O-N".

Bill: Well why did you name him "Minton"?

Phil: Because when he is bad I can tell him, "Bad Minton! "BAD Minton!

~ ~ ~

Dad: "Son, why didn't you water the garden yesterday?"

Son: "Dad, it was raining yesterday!"

Dad: "Well, that's no excuse for you not to water the garden! Why didn't you take an umbrella?"

~ ~ ~

Bill: Hey! I heard you and your wife got a divorce!

Phil: Yeah, she was too temperamental!

Bill: Really? When did this start?

Phil: Oh, from the first day we got married. She has a temper AND she is MENTAL!

~ ~ ~

Judge: Mario, I order you to pay $1,000 for speeding.

Mario: What-ta you say Judge-a? Oh! Why-a so much-a?

Judge: It's a fine for you to pay $1,000 for going 50 in a 15 mph school zone.

Mario: No-ah your honor! It's-a NOT fine I got-ta paya $1,000! It''s a too much-a!

~ ~ ~

Genie to man: OK, I'm ready for your third wish.

Man to Genie: My THIRD wish? What about the first two?

Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!"

Man: And...

Genie: So that counted as your SECOND wish, and then I had to erase your memory of both of them.

Man: Well, ok, so my third wish is that I really understood how women think.

Genie: Ok, your third wish is now granted. But you should know, that was the same as your FIRST wish!

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs?

They’re afraid of stakeholders.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear that the Navy is training dolphins to carry first aid kits?

It’s for medicinal porpoises only.

~ ~ ~

The Flat Earth Society just announced they now have one million members…

…around the globe.

~ ~ ~

Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an old man with three daughters named Sara?

A TrisarahPops.

~ ~ ~

What was the man from DC charged with after throwing a sandwich at an FBI agent?

Assault with a deli weapon.

~ ~ ~

Google is a bad influence. I searched how to become an arsonist.

It gave fifty thousand matches.

~ ~ ~

The man that invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at his funeral.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route to get somewhere?

R2-Detour.

~ ~ ~

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)

Britney Spears.

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)

Britney Spears.

Oops, I did it again.

~ ~ ~

If your 1st child eats dirt, you call the doctor.

If your 2nd child eats dirt, you clean out their mouth.

If your 3rd eats dirt, you wonder if you still need to make them lunch.

~ ~ ~

Did you know that Google was invented by a knight?

Sir Chenjin.

~ ~ ~

Shout out to the guy who played triangle in my band for 10 years.

Thank you for every ting.

~ ~ ~

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a bit of calculus…

But geometry is where I draw the line.

~ ~ ~

Recently a guy tried to rob two nuns with a knife.

They ended up beating him into unconsciousness.

The lesson here is: never take a knife to a nun fight.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about that new Lego store that just opened up?

People are lined up for blocks…

~ ~ ~

At a meeting, the corporate manager told a joke.

Everyone on the team laughed except for one guy.

“Didn’t you understand my joke?” the manager asked him.

“Oh, I understood it, but I'm planning on resigning today.”

~ ~ ~

I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

~ ~ ~

I’ve just invented a new game which I’m calling silent tennis.

It’s just like normal tennis but without the racket.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A maybee.

~ ~ ~

Amber Heard was pregnant with twins. She found out the father of the twins is Charlie Sheen and decided to have Charlie raise the twins and take his name.

She agreed the kids should be Sheen and not Heard.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a flying nun?

A bird? A plane? Nope, nun of the above.

~ ~ ~

The man who came up with the concept of wind chill has died. He was 86.

But he felt like 75.

~ ~ ~

--------------

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--------------

A young man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once I came upon a gang of very mean bikers who were threatening a young woman so I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

"And then what happened?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over and yelled at him, "You had better back off or you'll answer to me!'"

St. Peter was impressed: "So, when did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago", the man replied.

~ ~ ~

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a cafe together.

Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us.

So Chuck Norris says, "I was thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers." Arnold then says, "That sounds like a great idea! Which composers do you guys want to play?"

Stallone says, "I'll be Mozart." Chuck says, I'll be Beethoven!"

And Arnold says, "Wait for it. Wait for it! Yep, you guessed it! I'll be BACH!"

~ ~ ~

Two friends met on the street after not having seen each other for some time. One of them was on crutches. "Hello!" said the other man. "Why are you on crutches?" "Car accident," said the man on crutches. "When did that happen?" "Oh, about six weeks ago." "And you still have to be on crutches?" "Well, my doctor says I could get along without them. But my lawyer says I can't."

~ ~ ~

A preacher was at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him and the only word written on the sheet was "IDIOT!".

So he read the note outloud and said, "I have heard of those who write letters and forget to sign their name, but this is the first time someone signed their name and forget to write the letter!"

~ ~ ~

A tail gunner was being courtmartialed. “What did you hear in your headset?” demanded a superior officer.

“Well,” replied the airman. “I heard my squadron leader holler, ‘Enemy planes at 5 o’clock!”

“What action did you take?’ persisted another officer.

“Why, sir,” replied the gunner, “I just sat back and waited. It was only 4:30.”

~ ~ ~

What did the orchestra conductor call his daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2.

~ ~ ~

Why did the computers overheat?

Because they needed to vent.

~ ~ ~

What goes up and down but doesn’t actually move?

Stairs.

~ ~ ~

What do PHD students eat when they're hungry?

Academia nuts.

~ ~ ~

Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door?

In case there's a salad dressing.

~ ~ ~

Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking?

He was on a roll.

~ ~ ~

Why do shrimp never share their food?

Because they're a little shellfish.

~ ~ ~

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling.

~ ~ ~

What did one pickle say to the other?

Dill with it.

~ ~ ~

What food is never on time?

Choco-late!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

~ ~ ~

How does Reese eat her ice cream?

Witherspoon.

~ ~ ~

What nuts always seem to have a cold?

Cash-ews!

~ ~ ~

Who is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

~ ~ ~

What is the favorite fruit of twins?

Pears.

~ ~ ~

What do you give to cure a sick lemon?

Lemon-aid.

~ ~ ~

What would you call a peanut in space?

An astro-nut.

~ ~ ~

I could tell you a pizza joke…

But it would probably be too cheesy.

~ ~ ~

What happens when a walnut laughs heavily?

It cracks up.

~ ~ ~

Excuse me waiter, will my pizza be much longer?

No, it will still be round.

~ ~ ~

What’s the saddest fruit?

A blue-berry.

~ ~ ~

Where did the lettuce go for a drink?

The salad bar.

~ ~ ~

How do you know if a vampire is unwell?

Because he'll be doing the coffin.

~ ~ ~

Where do pirates get their hooks?

Second hand shops.

~ ~ ~

Why did the bicycle collapse?

It was too tired.

~ ~ ~

Why did the hairdresser win the race?

He knew a shortcut.

~ ~ ~

How did the picture end up in prison?

It was framed.

~ ~ ~

Why did the bullet lose its job?

It got fired.

~ ~ ~

What does a house wear?

Her address!

~ ~ ~

What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner."

~ ~ ~

Why is grass so dangerous?

It’s full of blades.

~ ~ ~

Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing?

At a meatball.

~ ~ ~

How do trees get online?

They just log on!

~ ~ ~

How do billboards talk?

They use sign language.

~ ~ ~

What’s America’s favorite soda?

Mini-soda.

~ ~ ~

What kind of music do planets like?

Nep-tunes.

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

Bill: My parents have been married 50 years this month!

Phil: Really! How did they stay married so long?

Bill: My dad would take mom to Paris every New Year's Eve.

Phil: Wow! That amazing!

Bill: And then he would go and get her on July the 4th.

~ ~ ~

What kind of shoes to frogs wear? Open-toad sandals.

~ ~ ~

I built an ATM that only gives out coins. It just makes cents!

~ ~ ~

What happened when two slices of bread went on a date? It was loaf at first sight.

~ ~ ~

I had a quiet game of tennis today. There was no racket.

~ ~ ~

Bill: My girlfriend accuses me of invading her privacy!

Phil: Why do you say that?

Bill: Because she wrote about it in her diary!

~ ~ ~

What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Good bi-son.

~ ~ ~

Watch what you say around the egg whites. They can't take a yolk.

~ ~ ~

I'm so good at fixing things, my motto is, "Even if it isn't broken, I can still fix it."

~ ~ ~

I got a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words too.

~ ~ ~

My boss told me to “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So went to the office as Batman.

~ ~ ~

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba-Ba.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.

~ ~ ~

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.

~ ~ ~

I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. It turns out he only does odd jobs.

~ ~ ~

What's the best way to save your dad jokes? In a da-da base.

~ ~ ~

When I placed my order at a fast-food restaurant yesterday, I asked the young lady at the counter for a baked potato with butter on the side. She looked at me rather strangely and asked, “Ok but which side?”

~ ~ ~

Why do you have to be careful when it rains cats and dogs? So you don't step in a poodle.

~ ~ ~

Why is it cold on Christmas? Because it’s in Decembrrrrr!

~ ~ ~

Why do some chickens go outside when it's raining? Because they love "fowl" weather.

~ ~ ~

How do mountains stay warm in the winter? They wear snow caps.

~ ~ ~

If an orchestra plays in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.

~ ~ ~

Why didn't the sun go to college? It has a million degrees.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a snowman on a hot day? A puddle.

~ ~ ~

What happens when winter arrives? Autumn leaves.

~ ~ ~

Why did the tree take up a hobby? It wanted to branch out.

~ ~ ~

Why do trees get emotional in spring? They always feel a little sappy.

~ ~ ~

What do you get if you cross a shark with ice? Frostbite.

~ ~ ~

A man and his wife attended a dinner party at the home of their friends. Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband. "That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she scolded. "The hostess must think you're selfish and an absolute pig." "I don't think so," he said. "I've been telling her it's for you."

~ ~ ~

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch but I'm not sure he'll even remember how to get back here."

Just then the door flew open and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me a half-million-dollar order!" "See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I TOLD you he'd forget the sandwiches."

~ ~ ~

Teacher: "Children, there will be only a half-day of school this morning."

Johnny (in the back of the class): "Whoopee! Hurray!"

Teacher: "Silence Johnny! We'll have the other half this afternoon."

~ ~ ~

Bill: What's going on?

Phil: Last night, I had an argument with my wife.

Bill: And...

Phil: Nothing sucks more than that moment right in the middle when you realize you're wrong.

~ ~ ~

Once Dolly Parton was asked if she was offended by blonde jokes.

She replied, "No, I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.”

~ ~ ~

Bill: I told my son to get a job or sleep in the garage.

Phil: And...

Bill: And you should see what a good job he has done fixing it up as his new bedroom!

~ ~ ~

A reporter was interviewing a 105-year-old lady who had just finished a half-marathon. "What is the best thing about running this race at 105?" The elderly lady replied, "There's no competition! I'm the only one in my age category!"

~ ~ ~

--------------

>> TOP <<

--------------

Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs?

They’re afraid of stakeholders.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear that the Navy is training dolphins to carry first aid kits?

It’s for medicinal porpoises only.

~ ~ ~

The Flat Earth Society just announced they now have one million members…

…around the globe.

~ ~ ~

Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an old man with three daughters named Sara?

A TrisarahPops.

~ ~ ~

What was the man from DC charged with after throwing a sandwich at an FBI agent?

Assault with a deli weapon.

~ ~ ~

Google is a bad influence. I searched how to become an arsonist.

It gave fifty thousand matches.

~ ~ ~

The man that invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at his funeral.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route to get somewhere?

R2-Detour.

~ ~ ~

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)

Britney Spears.

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)

Britney Spears.

Oops, I did it again.

~ ~ ~

If your 1st child eats dirt, you call the doctor.

If your 2nd child eats dirt, you clean out their mouth.

If your 3rd eats dirt, you wonder if you still need to make them lunch.

~ ~ ~

Did you know that Google was invented by a knight?

Sir Chenjin.

~ ~ ~

Shout out to the guy who played triangle in my band for 10 years.

Thank you for every ting.

~ ~ ~

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a bit of calculus…

But geometry is where I draw the line.

~ ~ ~

Recently a guy tried to rob two nuns with a knife.

They ended up beating him into unconsciousness.

The lesson here is: never take a knife to a nun fight.

~ ~ ~

Did you hear about that new Lego store that just opened up?

People are lined up for blocks…

~ ~ ~

At a meeting, the corporate CEO told a joke.

Everyone on the team laughed except for one guy.

“Didn’t you understand my joke?” the CEO asked him.

“Oh, I understood it, but I'm planning on resigning today.”

~ ~ ~

I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

~ ~ ~

I’ve just invented a new game which I’m calling silent tennis.

It’s just like normal tennis but without the racket.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?

A maybee.

~ ~ ~

Amber Heard was pregnant with twins. She found out the father of the twins is Charlie Sheen and decided to have Charlie raise the twins and take his name.

She agreed the kids should be Sheen and not Heard.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a flying nun?

A bird? A plane? Nope, nun of the above.

~ ~ ~

The man who came up with the concept of wind chill has died. He was 86.

But he felt like he was 75.

~ ~ ~

Which bird has the worst manners?

Mocking birds.

~ ~ ~

I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

~ ~ ~

How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

Ten tickles.

~ ~ ~

Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?"

~ ~ ~

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

The don’t meet the koala-fi-cations.

~ ~ ~

Why are fish so smart?

Because they live in schools!

~ ~ ~

Why are teddy bears never hungry?

Because they’re always stuffed.

~ ~ ~

What language do pigs speak?

Pig Latin.

~ ~ ~

Where do cows go on Friday nights?

They go to the moo-vies!

~ ~ ~

Q: Why don’t ants ever get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

~ ~ ~

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

~ ~ ~

Where do polar bears keep their money?

A snowbank.

~ ~ ~

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

“Pick a cod, any cod.”

~ ~ ~

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meow-tain of cats.

~ ~ ~

What did the beaver say to the tree?

“It’s been nice gnawing you.”

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What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

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Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

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I went to a general store yesterday. However, I didn't buy anything specific.

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When I woke up this morning, my wife asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes".

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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the heck did my roof go?"

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I'm really tired today. I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.

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Yesterday, I looked in a thesaurus for the word "thesaurus". I think I felt the universe shudder a little bit.

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When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. Eventually, I was an only child.

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I was trying to daydream this morning. But my mind kept wandering.

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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and then I'll hook up with them later.

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I'm writing a book this year. I already have the page numbers done. Now, I just have to fill in the rest.

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When you think about it, every book is a children’s book if the child can read.

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My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. Who is the real winner here?

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I remember the day our local candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

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Yesterday, I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one. So I just got a cake and stuck the candles in it.

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Have you ever seen a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

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I heard there was a power outage at the department store yesterday. They said on the news that 20 people were trapped on the escalators for hours.

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Did you ever think that actually an escalator can never break. It just becomes a set of stairs.

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Last month I took my dog for a walk all the way from New York to Florida and back. I said to him "There, now you're done for the rest of your life".

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Eating white rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.

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Whenever I go into Subway, I always order a club sandwich. However, I always feel guilty about it because I've never really joined the club and I wonder how much longer I can get away with it.

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I got food poisoning yesterday but I haven't decided when I'm planning to use it.

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I bought my wife some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrapping Department and ask them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.

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Last Spring, I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

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This Summer all my fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them enough.

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I saw a commercial on TV that said, "Forget everything you know about new flooring". So I did, and it was a big load off of my mind.

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Last week, I bought a king-sized bed. Then I began to think about it. I personally don't know any kings, except for King Charles. However, if he ever came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. I'd tell him, "Oh, you're King Charles? Well, you won't believe this but I have a king-size bed! And, guess what? It's to your EXACT specifications!"

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I went to a restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. The way it works is that you think about what you are hungry to eat and the food moves across the table to you.

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