What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
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You are on a horse riding full gallop. Next to you is a giraffe at full gallop, and behind you is a lion on your tail. What do you do? Get off the carousel.
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What family does the zebra belong to? Can't say, none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.
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What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth? Stuck.
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What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar? A little walkie-talkie.
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Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
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Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
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A pony walks into a noisy bar and tries to order a beer. Bartender says “I can’t hear you! You’ll have to speak up!” Pony says: “Sorry! I’m a little horse!”
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Why did the baseball player get fired? He ran 3 bases then walked home.
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Why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net.
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Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
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What does a sprinter eat before a race? Nothing, they always fast!
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My dad told me a joke about boxing and it floored me. I guess I missed the punch line.
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I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!
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Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform? New Jersey.
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Why don't football players were glasses? It's a contact sport.
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What's the best animal in soccer? A score-pion.
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What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby? One takes a snap, the other takes a nap.
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I used to be addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.
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Why can't pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.
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Why shouldn't you play tennis in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
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What does a sports fan have in common with an angry chicken? A foul mouth.
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Why couldn't the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.
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Why was the calendar so sad? Because its days are numbered.
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My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. I told here that would be a big step forward.
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
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"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites.
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What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
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How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
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I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
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How does dry skin affect you at work? You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.
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What do you call a factory that makes mediocre products? A satis-factory.
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Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet and spread his arms wide? Supplies!
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Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.
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What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
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Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
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How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
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What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
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What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.
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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'
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Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!
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I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.
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What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Hey Mom, where's Pop Corn?
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What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
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What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!
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Dad, did you get a haircut? Yes, and in fact, I got them all cut!
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What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.
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I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind. That proves you're old enough.
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Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.
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I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
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How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
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Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
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I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
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What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
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Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it around!
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
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What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.
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Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.
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Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
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What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow! Who's there?
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This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
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Why is the undertaker your best friend? He's the last to let you down.
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Did you hear about the funeral home's new financial arrangement? They call it their "Easy Lay Away" plan.
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What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
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Dad: Son, can you put the cat out? Son: I didn't know it was on fire.
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How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.
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Did you hear about the new hamburger condiment in an aerosol can? It's called "Lettuce Spray".
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What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
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Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.
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What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentickles.
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I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.
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What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
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What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!
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How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
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Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
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What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
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How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
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How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.
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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
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A guy walks into a bar... and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
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You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.
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When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know which one is delivered first.
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Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.
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That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.
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Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.
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If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
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What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.
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I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.
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A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
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I hate my job at the Coke factory — all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.
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Mom keeps asking why I have so much candy. She doesn't know I always keep a few Twix up my sleeve.
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I found a wooden shoe in my toilet — it was clogged.
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If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
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I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet — I just don't know y.
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My dream job is to clean mirrors, because I can really see myself doing that.
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I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.
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I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
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RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.
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Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.
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I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!
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I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
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Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
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6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.
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Whenever you get a bad sausage, it's just the wurst.
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My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.
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I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.
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Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penneless.
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Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
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I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
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Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.
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A magician was driving down the street — then he turned into a McDonalds.
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We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.
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I'm reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can't put it down!
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At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.
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My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.
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I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
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I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my week immune system.
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The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
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I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.
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I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
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Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they're making headlines!
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My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.
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I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.
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I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!
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I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.
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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch — Yeti never complains.
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Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.
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A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.
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I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.
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I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.
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It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.
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I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!
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My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
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Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.
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If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
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Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the swimming pool.
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I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!
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I can tell when you're lying just by looking at you. I can also tell when you're standing.
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Our choir director was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.
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Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list, and now I can't read what else is on it.
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Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.
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My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "get well soon" card.
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Lance isn't that common a name for men these days, but in medieval times, they were called Lance a lot.
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After dinner Mom asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start coming down the hall, but I made it.
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I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.
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Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit a-low-ha-ha-ha.
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