DadJokes

A big shout out to my 10 fingers! I'm so glad I can count on all of them.

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How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

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Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work!

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Why did the stadium get so hot after the game was over? Because all the fans left!

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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

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Why don't scientists trust stairs? It's because they're always up to something!

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What do you call a fake stone in an Irish backyard? A sham-rock.

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Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They're a little bit too shady.

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What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

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Why don't skeletons watch horror movies? They don't have the stomach for it!

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What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-ntain!

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What kind of car does a Jedi drive? A Toy-Yoda!

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Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out!

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How do you organize a space party? You have to planet!

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A big shout out to the guy who played triangle in our school band for 10 years. Thank you for every "ting"!

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A clear conscience is usually a good sign of a bad memory.

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A ham sandwich, a hot dog and a bag of chips walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here!”

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A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where they were frying hamburgers and potato chips. He asked one of them, “Are you the friar?” “No”, the brother said, "I’m the chip monk.”

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A lawyer told a judge, “My client is trapped inside a penny.” The judge said, “What?” The lawyer said, “Yes, your honor. He’s in a cent (innocent)”.

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A man and his wife attended a dinner party at the home of their friends. Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband. "That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she scolded. "The hostess must think you're selfish and an absolute pig." "I don't think so," he said. "I've been telling her it's for you."

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A man sees a casket with his name on it rolling toward him so he runs into a drug store and buys a bottle of cough syrup because he knows it's the best way to stop his coffin!

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A pony walks into a noisy bar and tries to order a beer. Bartender says “I can’t hear you! You’ll have to speak up!” Pony says: “Sorry! I’m a little horse!”

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A preacher was at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him and the only word written on the sheet was "IDIOT!". So he read the note outloud and said, "I have heard of those who write letters and forget to sign their name, but this is the first time someone signed their name and forget to write the letter!"

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A reporter was interviewing a 105-year-old lady who had just finished a half-marathon. "What is the best thing about running this race at 105?" The elderly lady replied, "There's no competition! I'm the only one in my age category!"

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A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'

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A tail gunner was being courtmartialed. “What did you hear in your headset?” demanded a superior officer. “Well,” replied the airman. “I heard my squadron leader holler, ‘Enemy planes at 5 o’clock!” But I looked at my watch and it was only 4:30.

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A termite walks into the bar and asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'

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After dinner my Mom asked if I could clear the table. I told her that I would need a running start down the hall, but luckly, I made it!

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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t buy happiness!

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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. They'll never expect it back.

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Amber Heard was pregnant with twins. She found out the father of the twins is Charlie Sheen and decided to have Charlie raise the twins and take his name. She agreed the kids should be "Sheen" and not "Heard".

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At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.

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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch — Yeti never complains.

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Bill: Did you know koalas bears aren’t actual bears? Phil: Really? Why not? Bill: Because they don’t meet the “koala-fications”!

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Bill: I told my son to get a job or sleep in the garage. Phil: And... Bill: And you should see what a good job he has done fixing it up as his new bedroom!

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Bill: I'm reading a book called "Quick Money for Dummies"... Phil: Who wrote it? Bill: Robin Banks.

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Bill: My girlfriend accuses me of invading her privacy! Phil: Why do you say that? Bill: Because she wrote a lot about it in her diary!

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Bill: My parents have been married 50 years this month! Phil: Really! How did they stay married so long? Bill: My dad took mom to Paris every New Year's Eve. Phil: Wow! That amazing! Bill: And then he would go and get her on July the 4th.

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Bill: Why is it a bad idea to play hockey with pigs? Phil: I give up. Why? Bill: Because they always hog the puck.

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Bob: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Rob: That's easy. Anybody can roast beef!

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Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.

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Can February March? No, but April May!

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Can you believe that my neighbor rang my doorbell at 3 a.m.? Luckily, I was still up playing the drums!

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Construction of the new staircase was behind schedule due to all the... "MISSTEPS"!

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Customer: "Waiter, this coffee taste like dirt!" Waiter: "That's because it was ground just a few minutes ago."

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Dad can you give me your autograph with your eyes closed? Why yes, son. Why do you ask? Because I need you to close your eyes and sign my report card!

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Dad, did you get a haircut? Yes, and in fact, I got them all cut!

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Dad: Son, can you call me an Uber? Son: Sure! Dad, you’re an Uber.

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Dad: Son, can you put the cat out? Son: I didn't know it was on fire.

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Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

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Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

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Did you ever hear about Santa's 10th reindeer? His name was "Olive". Yes, "Olive". As in, "Olive", the other reindeer.

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Did you ever realize when you clean a vacuum cleaner you become a vacuum cleaner?

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Did you ever think that actually an escalator can never break. It just becomes a set of stairs.

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Did you hear about that new Lego store that just opened up? Yes and everyone is lined up for blocks!

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Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle? They got over it!

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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage!

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Did you hear about the boss man who walked into a bar and ordered everyone around (a round)?

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Did you hear about the huge explosion in the cheese factory? It was terrible! There was de-BRIE everywhere!

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Did you hear about the famous pickle? He's a really big dill.

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Did you hear about the funeral home's new financial arrangement? They call it their "Easy Lay Away" plan.

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Did you hear about the group ski trip? It went downhill fast.

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TOP

Did you hear about the guy giving away dead batteries? They were all free of charge!

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Did you hear about the guy who got fired from his job at the calendar factory? They said he was taking too many days off!

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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.

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Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache? The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling the bills out until he had $1,999. Then he said, "No wonder you're not feeling two grand!"

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Did you hear about the king who was exactly 12 inches tall? He was a great ruler!

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Did you hear about the magician who drives down Main Street each day at noon? It's truly amazing! He turned into a McDonalds.

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Did you hear about the new breed of spiders that are super smart? It's because they are always on the web.

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Did you hear about the new hamburger condiment in an aerosol can? It's called "Lettuce Spray".

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Did you hear about the people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

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Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally!

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Did you hear about the two fish where were in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?"

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Did you hear that a baby camel was born at the zoo last week but it had no hump? The zoo has named that baby camel "Hum-phrey" (hump-free).

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Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit a-low-ha-ha-ha.

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Did you hear that the Navy is training dolphins to carry first aid kits? It’s for medicinal porpoises only.

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Did you hear the rumor about butter? Yes but I'm not going to go around spreading it!

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Did you hear what the latest cow emoji is called? It is called... (wait for it)... an "e-mooooo-ji"

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Did you hear what the owner of a concrete company requested right before he died? He asked to be buried in a "CEMENTARY"!

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Did you know in the Bible it says that it’s the husbands’ job to make the coffee in the morning? Yes that's correct. In the New Testament it says “Hebrews”!

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Did you know that Google was invented by a knight? Sir Chenjin.

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Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

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Diner to waiter: Excuse me but I've been waiting for my breakfast for quite a while now. Will the pancakes be much longer? Waiter to diner: No sir, they will still be round. Just like always.

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Do you know what is the official dance of Thanksgiving? It’s “The Turkey Trot"!

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Do you know where polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank!

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Do you know why ants never get sick? It's because they have little anty bodies.

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Do you think a frog can jump higher than a house? Well of course! Everyone knows a house can't jump.

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Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I'll wrestle you for them.

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Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.

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Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke! Joke! Jooooooooooooooooke.

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Doctor, I think I'm losing my hearing. Oh? What are the some of the symptoms? Well Homer is bald and fat. Marge is tall and has blue hair. Bart is a smart alec kid and Lisa is their sweet little daughter.

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Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

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Don't you just hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

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During the Middle Ages, this tailor specialized in armor for knights. It was his... "STRONG SUIT'

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Eating white rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.

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Every morning I get hit by the same bike! Really? Yes, it's a vicious cycle!

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Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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Every time I’m late to a Zoom meeting, I always blame network traffic.

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Every time my wife and I have an argument she gets "historical"! Don't you mean "hysterical"? Oh, she also gets "hysterical" alright! But when I say she gets "historical", I mean she reminds me of everything I've ever done wrong!

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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have enough time

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Girl 1: So, how do you like being married? Girl 2: I love It! It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!

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Girls don't want a guy who's down to earth. They want someone tall.

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Google is a bad influence. I searched how to become an arsonist. It gave me fifty matches.

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Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he finally woke up after a while.

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Have you ever heard someone start a sentence by saying "With all due respect..." and then they say something disrespectful?

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Have you ever seen a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

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Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

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Have you ever tried to throw away an old garbage can?

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Have you ever wondered how a fire-breathing dragon blows out the candles on their birthday cake?

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Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

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Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar? He got 12 months!

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Hi, My name is Cliff. Hi Cliff! So, why don't you drop over sometime?

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TOP

How bad were the fish’s grades in high school? They were below sea level.

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How can you stay warm in any room no matter how cold it is outside? Go stand in a corner! It’s always 90 degrees!

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How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.

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How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party? Because he’s a little square.

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How did the art department's contest for the best artist end? It was a draw!

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How did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.

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How did the duck pay for her new lipstick? She told the clerk, "Just put it on my bill."

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How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

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How did the two cats end their fight? They hissed and made up.

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How do billboards talk? They use sign language.

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How do mountains stay warm in the winter? They wear snow caps.

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How do trees get online? They just log on!

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How do you cure a fear of a speed bump? You slowly get over it.

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How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.

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How do you get a good price on a sled in New York City at Christmas? You have toboggan for it!

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How do you get a squirrel to like you? Climb up in a tree and act like a nut.

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How do you give a waterbed more bounce? Just add SPRING water!

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How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side of his head.

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How do you keep a bagel from getting away? You put a bunch of lox on it!

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How do you know if a vampire is an undertaker? He will be the one doing the coffin.

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How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

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How do you make an eggroll? You have to push it!

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How do you make Budweiser? Send him to school.

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How do you organize a space-themed party? You planet.

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How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying? You rocket to sleep.

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How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!

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How does a farmer keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.

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How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

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How does a taco say grace? It says "lettuce pray".

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How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.

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How does Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.

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How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.

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How does the ocean say hi to the shoreline? Nothing. It just waves.

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How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.

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How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? Ten tickles.

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How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh on the roof? Nothing, because it's on the house.

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How old do you have to be to die of old age?

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I always take life with a grain of salt. Then I add a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

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I always thought my neighbors were nice people... but they keep changing the password on their Wi-Fi!

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I am on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.

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I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with. She said yes, all the rest had been nines and tens.

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I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They're right behind you!”

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I bought a donut yesterday and they asked me if I wanted a receipt for it. I told them I didn't need a receipt because I just can't imagine a scenario where I would be returning the donut for a refund!

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I bought my wife some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrapping Department and ask them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.

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I bought shoes from a drug dealer — I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

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I built an ATM that only gives out coins. It just makes cents!

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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

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I can tell when you're lying just by looking at you. I can also tell when you're standing.

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TOP

I can tolerate algebra and maybe even a bit of calculus. But geometry is where I draw the line.

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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords so l had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

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I could tell you a pizza joke but it would be too cheesy.

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I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner because it was just gathering dust!

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I don’t work well under pressure. Or any other circumstance.

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I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!

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I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

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I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

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I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.

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I failed math so many years at school, I can't even count them all.

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I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

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I found a book called "How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems". So I bought 2 of them.

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I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. It turns out he only does odd jobs.

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I gave up my seat to an elderly person on the bus. And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

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I get plenty of exercise at work: Jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

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I got a new pen that can write underwater. It can also write other words too.

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I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.

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I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said to me, "Oh never mind! That Blockbuster card proves you're old enough."

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I got food poisoning yesterday but I haven't decided when I'm planning to use it.

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I got hit in the head with a can of soda but luckily it was a soft drink.

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I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

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I had a joke about canned orange juice, but I couldn't concentrate.

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I had a quiet game of tennis today. There was no racket.

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I hate my job as a waiter but at least it puts food on the table.

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I hate my job at the Coke factory — all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

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I hate traffic circles because they are pointless.

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I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

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I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

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I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.

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I have a joke about a construction job, but I’m still working on it.

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I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.

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I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts to tell it.

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I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.

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I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.

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I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.

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I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.

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I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.

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I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.

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I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.

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I have a joke about nepotism, but I'll only give it to my kids.

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I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.

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I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.

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I have a joke about putting in a light bulb, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up.

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I have a joke about time travel, but I know you've already heard it.

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I heard there a 10 story parking collapsed. That was wrong on so many levels.

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I heard there was a power outage at the department store yesterday. They said on the news that 20 people were trapped on the escalators for hours.

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I just got a new job as a salesman at our town's gas works. I was amazed to learn that over 50% of our citizens already had gas.

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I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!

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I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is 'Goodbye.'

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I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

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TOP

I lost 25% of my roof last night ...oof.

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I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.

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I lost my job as a fortune-teller. I couldn’t make a prophet.

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I lost my job as a lumberjack. They gave me the ax.

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I lost my job as a massage therapist. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

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I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I just couldn't see myself doing that for a long time.

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I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.

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I lost my job as a pastry tester. I thought that job would be a piece of cake.

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I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.

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I lost my job as a sound technician. I just couldn’t handle the feedback.

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I lost my job as a tailor. I just wasn’t suited for it.

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I lost my job as a telemarketer. It just wasn’t my calling.

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I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koala-fications.

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I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I even bent over backwards for them!

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I lost my job as an bank teller. I just kept losing interest.

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I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up with the hole business.

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I lost my job at the calendar factory. My supervisor said I was taking too many days off.

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I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tear-able job.

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I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover from it.

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I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to the task.

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I lost my job installing mufflers. It was exhausting work.

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I lost my job working security at the Samsung store. I was a Guardian of the Galaxies.

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I love dad jokes, but I don't have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.

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I love my job as an archeologist but now my career is in ruins.

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I love to tell jokes about cheese, but some people say it GRATES on their nerves!

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I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

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I made song about a tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.

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I met my wife at a glue factory. We bonded immediately.

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I named my new puppies "Rolex" and "Timex". They will be my new watch dogs.

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I once got fired from a bakery because I kept taking the too much dough home with me.

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I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.

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I once submitted 10 puns to a contest called "The Best Pun Of The Month". I really thought one was sure to be a winner but sadly, I did not win because "no pun in ten did".

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I once thought I would like being a historian. But I just couldn't see any future in it.

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I once worked as a mirror salesman because it was a career I could really see myself in.

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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet — I just don't know y.

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I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.

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I quit my job as a water slide attendant. My career was just going down the tubes.

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I quit my job at the shoe repair shop because I wasn't a good "fit"! I just couldn't put my "sole" into it! Or perhaps I was too "straight laced"!

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I read somewhere that it takes a village to raise a child. I want to know where is this village and is there a number I can call to see if they will take our child?

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I recently saw a French baguette walking the runway at a fashion show. Apparently, it was a roll model.

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I remember the day our local candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

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I saw a bank that said, “24-hour banking” but I don't want to be in there that long.

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I saw a commercial on TV that said, "Forget everything you know about new flooring". So I did, and it was a big load off of my mind.

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I saw a theft at an Apple store, so that makes me an iWitness.

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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

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I think if an escalator breaks you should never see a sign that says, "Temporarily Out Of Order". It should just say, "This Escalator Is Now Just Temporarily Some Stairs. Sorry For The Inconvenience".

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I think my boss picked me for my motivational skills. He always says everyone has to work twice as hard when I’m around!

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I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

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I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places!

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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes and then she gave me a big hug.

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TOP

I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.

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I used to be addicted to bars of soap. But I'm clean now.

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I used to be addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.

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I used to be afraid of the hurdles in life but I go over them.

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I used to be indecisive. But now I'm not so sure.

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I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

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I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

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I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

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I used to work at a cannon factory but I had to leave when they "fired" me!

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I used to work at a muffler shop, but I had to give it up because it was just too exhausting!

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I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded.

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I used to work in a calendar factory but I got fired for taking too many days off.

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I was at a picnic recently and I saw that the condiments table had a sign reading “Please take only what you need.” So I now have a picnic table.

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I want someone to invent the cordless extension cord.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

~ ~ ~

I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.

~ ~ ~

I was addicted to doing the hokey pokey all day, but then I turned myself around.

~ ~ ~

I was going to make up a joke about banking but then I lost interest.

~ ~ ~

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

~ ~ ~

I was going to try an all-almond diet this year, but that's just NUTS!

~ ~ ~

I was told I needed to stop acting like a flamingo. So I put my foot down.

~ ~ ~

I was trying to daydream this morning but my mind kept wandering.

~ ~ ~

I was wondering why the softball kept getting bigger and bigger and then it hit me.

~ ~ ~

I went to a general store yesterday. However, I didn't buy anything specific.

~ ~ ~

I went to a restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. The way it works is that you think about what you are hungry to eat and the food moves across the table to you.

~ ~ ~

I went to a silent auction. It turns out at the end of the day I had purchased a dog whistle and 2 mimes.

~ ~ ~

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s just something fishy about that place.

~ ~ ~

I went to the dentist and he said I had 5 cavities. He asked me "Do you brush your teeth everyday?" I told him "No I because I live alone." He said "What does you living alone cause you not to brush your teeth?" I told him, "Because I have always heard 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities."

~ ~ ~

I went to the store to buy some camouflage pants but the clerk said they haven't seen any there.

~ ~ ~

I won a million dollars in the lottery and was so thankful that I donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity. Thank goodness I still have $999,999.75 left.

~ ~ ~

I’m friends with only 25 letters of the alphabet. I just don’t know Y.

~ ~ ~

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity but I just can’t put it down.

~ ~ ~

I’m really great at multitasking on Friday afternoons. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

~ ~ ~

I’ve just invented a new game which I’m calling silent tennis. It’s just like normal tennis but without the racket.

~ ~ ~

I'd avoid the sushi if I were you — it's a little fishy!

~ ~ ~

If "pro" and "con" are mean opposite things, what is the opposite of "progress"? "Con-gress"!

~ ~ ~

If a book about failures doesn't sell, do you call it a success?

~ ~ ~

If a child refuses to take a nap, can you say they are guilty of resisting a rest?

~ ~ ~

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

~ ~ ~

If an orchestra plays in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.

~ ~ ~

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

~ ~ ~

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving may not be for you.

~ ~ ~

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.

~ ~ ~

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her some friends to play with her?

~ ~ ~

If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday.

~ ~ ~

If I ever start a boy band that plays classical music, I want to call it "The Bach Street Boys"

~ ~ ~

If I go to the beach and see an ocean wave, should I wave back?

~ ~ ~

If I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. What am I? I'm a faux pa.

~ ~ ~

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

~ ~ ~

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

~ ~ ~

TOP

If you go to a restaurant and you have to wait for your waiter, doesn't that make you a waiter, as well?

~ ~ ~

If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.

~ ~ ~

If your 1st child eats dirt, you call the doctor. If your 2nd child eats dirt, you clean out their mouth. If your 3rd eats dirt, you wonder if you still need to make them lunch.

~ ~ ~

If your dog is running a fever, you should go to the store and buy some high quality ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard and relish because I've heard it's the best thing to put on a hot dog!

~ ~ ~

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.

~ ~ ~

I'm a sophomore, but my girlfriend is a senior. And let me tell you, the joy she brings to my life almost makes the drive to the nursing home worth it!

~ ~ ~

I'm friends with all the trees because we all have deep roots.

~ ~ ~

I'm not a fan of spring cleaning. Let's be honest, I'm also not into cleaning during the summer, fall, or winter either.

~ ~ ~

I'm reading a book about glue and I just can't put it down.

~ ~ ~

I'm really tired today. I haven’t slept for 3 days because that would be too long.

~ ~ ~

I'm so good at fixing things, my motto is, "Even if it isn't broken, I can still fix it."

~ ~ ~

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!

~ ~ ~

I'm terrified of elevators. So now I'm taking steps to avoid them.

~ ~ ~

I'm very sad! All my fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them enough.

~ ~ ~

I'm writing a book this year. I already have the page numbers done. Now, I just have to fill in the rest.

~ ~ ~

Inflation is so high I just saw a burglar who was breaking into his own house.

~ ~ ~

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is because it's always room temperature in the room.

~ ~ ~

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.

~ ~ ~

I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

~ ~ ~

I've tried hard to lose weight but it keeps finding me.

~ ~ ~

John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even need glasses." Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!" John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

~ ~ ~

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.

~ ~ ~

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just water.

~ ~ ~

Kid: Dad, can you put the cat out? Dad: I didn't know it was on fire.

~ ~ ~

Kid: I’m cold. Dad: Then go sit in the corner — it’s always 90 degrees!

~ ~ ~

Kid: What time is it? Dad: Time to get a watch!

~ ~ ~

Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) Britney Spears. Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) Britney Spears. Oops, I did it again!

~ ~ ~

Lance isn't that common a name for men these days, but in medieval times, they were called Lance a lot.

~ ~ ~

Last month I took my dog for a walk all the way from New York to Florida and back. I said to him "There, now you're done for the rest of your life".

~ ~ ~

Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back. I didn't really enjoy it because she was the one facing the TV.

~ ~ ~

Last Spring, I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

~ ~ ~

Last week I bought some instant water but I still haven't found anything to mix it with.

~ ~ ~

Last week I lost my job at the podium store. It was a job I just couldn't stand behind.

~ ~ ~

Last week I taught my dog to play chess. But he's really not that smart because I've already beat him two games out of three!

~ ~ ~

Last week, I bought a king-sized bed. Then I began to think about it. I personally don't know any kings, except for King Charles. However, if he ever came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. I'd tell him, "Oh, you're King Charles? Well, you won't believe this but I have a king-size bed! And, guess what? It's just your size!"

~ ~ ~

Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list, and now I can't read what else is on it.

~ ~ ~

Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the dishwater.

~ ~ ~

Mom keeps asking why I have so much candy. She doesn't know I always keep a few Twix up my sleeve.

~ ~ ~

Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

~ ~ ~

Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.

~ ~ ~

Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penneless.

~ ~ ~

Mom: How did you finally get our son to mow the lawn? Dad: He asked me to borrow the car for his date to the dance tonight and I told him I’d lost keys in the grass but if he could find them, then he can borrow the car.

~ ~ ~

Mondays make me sad, but 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.

~ ~ ~

Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

~ ~ ~

Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.

~ ~ ~

My aunt lost her job as a math teacher. She said it was the same job that she had since 2000 and now that's 46 years of her life down the drain!

~ ~ ~

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. So who is the real winner here?

~ ~ ~

My boss told me to “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So went today I'm going into the office as Batman.

~ ~ ~

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

~ ~ ~

My boss wanted me to start our work presentation with a joke. So I used my paycheck as the first slide.

~ ~ ~

TOP

My brother just lost my job as an electrician. He was shocked!

~ ~ ~

My brother-in law lost his job as a garbage collector. He had no training but he thought he could pick it up as he went along.

~ ~ ~

My cousin lost her job in pool maintenance. She said it was too draining.

~ ~ ~

My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.

~ ~ ~

My dream job is to sell bathroom mirrors because that's a job I can really see myself in.

~ ~ ~

My father-in-law lost his job as a fisherman. He said there just wasn't enough net income.

~ ~ ~

My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "get well soon" card.

~ ~ ~

My memory has gotten so bad it has almost caused me to lose my job. Thank goodness I’m still employed but I just can’t remember where!

~ ~ ~

My mother-in-law lost her job as a baker. It's too bad because she really kneaded the dough!

~ ~ ~

My niece calls me her "Uncle Ankles". I call her my Knees.

~ ~ ~

My sister lost her job as a psychic. See said she didn't see it coming!

~ ~ ~

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Well, just you wait!”

~ ~ ~

My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

~ ~ ~

My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25 cents apiece. Everyone called him Quarter Roy.

~ ~ ~

My uncle lost his job as a human cannonball. Yep! You guessed it! They fired him!

~ ~ ~

My wife asked me if I preferred to be buried or cremated. So I told her, “Surprise me!”

~ ~ ~

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. But I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

~ ~ ~

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

~ ~ ~

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

~ ~ ~

My wife just got a new job at the grease factory. Now, I can't ever get hold of her.

~ ~ ~

My wife says I never listen to her. At least, that's what I think she said.

~ ~ ~

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo so I had to put my foot down.

~ ~ ~

Once Dolly Parton was asked if she was offended by blonde jokes. She replied, "No, I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.”

~ ~ ~

Once I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

~ ~ ~

Our choir director was planning to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he said he couldn't because was just too baroque.

~ ~ ~

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

~ ~ ~

Our neighbors just got 2 dogs and they said they are going to name them "Timex" and "Rolex". They are going to be their new watchdogs.

~ ~ ~

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

~ ~ ~

RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.

~ ~ ~

Shucks! I've lost another electron. Boy, you really have to keep an ion them!

~ ~ ~

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

~ ~ ~

Somebody once told me, "Follow your dreams!" So I said "Great advice!!" And then I went back to bed.

~ ~ ~

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.

~ ~ ~

The best way for the electricians to install so many outlets was to keep plugging away at it.

~ ~ ~

The burglar who broke into the addition while it was being built fell into the wet cement and now the police have concrete evidence!

~ ~ ~

The company couldn’t make a profit selling origami, so the business folded.

~ ~ ~

The diner inquired of the server, "What flavors of ice cream do you have?" "We have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," the server answered in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the diner asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." the server answered with some effort, "We only have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

~ ~ ~

The Flat Earth Society just announced they now have one million members around the globe.

~ ~ ~

The grizzly packed lightly for his trip because he wanted to take the... "BEAR MINIMUM"

~ ~ ~

The guy who had his gall bladder removed thought it was funny because it left him in stitches.

~ ~ ~

The man who came up with the concept of wind chill has died. He was 86. But he felt like 75.

~ ~ ~

The man who invented throat lozenges died last week but he had insisted there was to be no coffin at his funeral.

~ ~ ~

The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it I found that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how disappointed I am!

~ ~ ~

The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I was able to escape when I went right for the juggler.

~ ~ ~

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the heck did my roof go?"

~ ~ ~

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me while I was browsing their selections so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine! Suit yourself!

~ ~ ~

TOP

The teacher said to her class, "Children, there will be only a half-day of school this morning." Little Johnny shouted, "Whoopee! Hurray!" Then the teacher said, "Be quiet Little Johnny! We'll have the other half this afternoon."

~ ~ ~

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

~ ~ ~

They say it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

~ ~ ~

This morning, I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high on her forehead. She looked so surprised!

~ ~ ~

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

~ ~ ~

To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

~ ~ ~

To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it! I will find you! You have my Word!

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your loved ones.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my limbo stick: That was a new low.

~ ~ ~

To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

~ ~ ~

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.

~ ~ ~

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do ou have any idea how to drive this thing?”

~ ~ ~

Two friends met on the street after not having seen each other for some time. One of them was on crutches. "Hello!" said the other man. "Why are you on crutches?" "Car accident," said the man on crutches. "When did that happen?" "Oh, about six weeks ago." "And you still have to be on crutches?" "Well, my doctor says I could get along without them. But my lawyer says I can't."

~ ~ ~

Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.

~ ~ ~

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, "Do you have a favorite song?" The other replies, "Well... all my life I have been a heavy metal fan."

~ ~ ~

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.

~ ~ ~

Watch what you say around the egg whites. They can't take a yolk.

~ ~ ~

We told the contractor who was doing our whole-house renovation over and over again not to carpet our steps…. But he just kept giving us blank stairs!

~ ~ ~

We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

~ ~ ~

What are spiders really good at? Surfing the web.

~ ~ ~

What classical ballet did the pig pen perform? Swine Lake.

~ ~ ~

What day of the week is an egg’s least favorite? Fry-day.

~ ~ ~

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Hey Mom, where's Pop Corn?

~ ~ ~

What did one boat say to the other boat? Are you interested in a little row-mance?

~ ~ ~

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.

~ ~ ~

What did one pickle say to the other who was about to go on the hamburger? Sorry but you'll just have to "dill" with it.

~ ~ ~

What did one plate say to the other? Dinner is on me!

~ ~ ~

What did one toilet say to another? You look flushed.

~ ~ ~

What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.

~ ~ ~

What did the bandleader call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!

~ ~ ~

What did the beaver say to the tree? “It’s been nice gnawing you.”

~ ~ ~

What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Good bi-son.

~ ~ ~

What did the cake say to the fork? So, you want a piece of me?

~ ~ ~

What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.

~ ~ ~

What did the dentist win at the competition? A little plaque.

~ ~ ~

What did the doctor say to the panicked man who was afraid he was shrinking? Settle down — you'll have to learn to be a little patient!

~ ~ ~

What did the electrician say when he walked in the room and turned on the light? He said, "Hey there, watt’s going on?”

~ ~ ~

What did the fisherman in New Hampshire say to the magician? “Pick a cod, any cod.”

~ ~ ~

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Hey! Give me my quarterback!

~ ~ ~

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, It just wined a little.

~ ~ ~

What did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!

~ ~ ~

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet and spread his arms wide? Supplies!

~ ~ ~

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells!

~ ~ ~

What did the lettuce say to the celery? Quit stalking me!

~ ~ ~

What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler than you.

~ ~ ~

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? It's time to go to sweep.

~ ~ ~

TOP

What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba-Ba.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head? A-Dell.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a skeleton with only a head? A nobody.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a snowman on a hot day? A puddle.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!

~ ~ ~

What do you call a tiny psychic who just robbed a bank? A small medium at large.

~ ~ ~

What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an alligator who is a detective? An investi-gator!

~ ~ ~

What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an elderly father with three daughters named Sara? A Tri-Sarah-Pops.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irr-elephant.

~ ~ ~

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad!

~ ~ ~

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

~ ~ ~

What do you call phony spaghetti? Im-pasta.

~ ~ ~

What do you call someone who is happy on Mondays? Retired!

~ ~ ~

What do you call the person who graduates last place from medical school? You call them "DOCTOR"!

~ ~ ~

What do you call the security guards who work at the Samsung factory? They are called the Guardians of the Galaxy.

~ ~ ~

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

~ ~ ~

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!

~ ~ ~

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.

~ ~ ~

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar? A little walkie-talkie.

~ ~ ~

What do you give to cure a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.

~ ~ ~

What do you say when Dwayne Johnson buys something to cut with? Rock pay-for scissors.

~ ~ ~

What do you say when your favorite smoke shop is replaced by a J. Crew? Clothes, but no cigar!

~ ~ ~

What does a baby computer call its father? Data!

~ ~ ~

What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!

~ ~ ~

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.

~ ~ ~

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow! Who's there?

~ ~ ~

What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Well, it figures!

~ ~ ~

What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!

~ ~ ~

What does a pig use in the shower? Hog wash.

~ ~ ~

What does a sports fan have in common with an angry chicken? A foul mouth.

~ ~ ~

What does a spy do when he is cold? He goes undercover.

~ ~ ~

What does corn say when it gets a compliment? Aw, shucks!

~ ~ ~

What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.

~ ~ ~

TOP

What does the world’s top dentist get? A little plaque.

~ ~ ~

What family does the zebra belong to? I don't know because none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.

~ ~ ~

What food is never on time? Choco-late!

~ ~ ~

What goes up and down but doesn’t move? Stairs.

~ ~ ~

What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested? They gave him a tough sentence.

~ ~ ~

What happened when two slices of bread went on a date? It was loaf at first sight.

~ ~ ~

What happens if you scare someone half to death two times in a row?

~ ~ ~

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

~ ~ ~

What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.

~ ~ ~

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!

~ ~ ~

What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!

~ ~ ~

What is a flea’s favorite way to travel? By “itch hiking”.

~ ~ ~

What is a pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet? it's the letter "ARRRR"!

~ ~ ~

What is a rabbit's favorite way to travel by air for "short hops? They take American "Hare-lines".

~ ~ ~

What is a tree's least favorite month? Sep-TIMBER!

~ ~ ~

What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extra-terrestrials.

~ ~ ~

What is Santa’s favorite state to visit? Ida Ho Ho Ho!

~ ~ ~

What is the best present for a kid? Broken drums! You just can't beat them.

~ ~ ~

What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano. What about the glue? I'm still stuck on that one.

~ ~ ~

What is the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.

~ ~ ~

What is the favorite fruit of twins? Pears.

~ ~ ~

What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment? Tooth-hurty!

~ ~ ~

What job did the frog have at the hotel? He was a BELLHOP!

~ ~ ~

What kind of bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

~ ~ ~

What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolks-wagen!

~ ~ ~

What kind of dog is the best for telling time? A watchdog, of course!

~ ~ ~

What kind of duck steals from you when you're in your bathtub? A "robber duckie".

~ ~ ~

What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Starfish.

~ ~ ~

What kind of jacket does an octopus wear? An army jacket.

~ ~ ~

What kind of music do balloons like? POP music!

~ ~ ~

What kind of music do planets like? Nep-tunes.

~ ~ ~

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!

~ ~ ~

What kind of shoes to frogs wear? Open-toad sandals.

~ ~ ~

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality!

~ ~ ~

What kind of tree can fit in the palm of your hand? A palm tree!

~ ~ ~

What language do hogs speak? Pig Latin.

~ ~ ~

What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.

~ ~ ~

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.

~ ~ ~

What side of a tree grows the most branches? The outside!

~ ~ ~

What social events do spiders love to attend? They love to go to "webbings".

~ ~ ~

What state is known for its tiny beverages? Minne-sota!

~ ~ ~

What vegetables are a sailor’s enemies? Leeks!

~ ~ ~

TOP

What was the man from DC charged with after throwing a sandwich at an FBI agent? Assault with a deli weapon.

~ ~ ~

What was the name of the classical ballet the pig performed at her dance recital? It was "Swine Lake".

~ ~ ~

What was the name of the guy who was really loud at the football game last night? His name was Mike Ra-phone.

~ ~ ~

What would bears be without bees? Ears.

~ ~ ~

What would you call a peanut in space? An astro-nut.

~ ~ ~

What’s a cow’s favorite Friday night spot? The mooooooovies.

~ ~ ~

What’s a firefly’s favorite dance? The glitterbug!

~ ~ ~

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!

~ ~ ~

What’s scarier than Friday the 13th? Monday the 16th.

~ ~ ~

What’s small and red and has a rough voice? A hoarse raddish!

~ ~ ~

What’s the best part about teamwork? There's always someone else to blame.

~ ~ ~

What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream it!

~ ~ ~

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

~ ~ ~

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires a "tweetment" and the other requires some "oinkment".

~ ~ ~

What’s the problem with unemployment jokes? None of them work.

~ ~ ~

What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!

~ ~ ~

What’s the spookiest kind of author? A ghost writer.

~ ~ ~

What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.

~ ~ ~

What's a skeleton's favorite type of road? A dead end.

~ ~ ~

What's an astronaut's favorite board game? Moon-opoly

~ ~ ~

What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.

~ ~ ~

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

~ ~ ~

What's the best way to save your dad jokes? In a da-da base.

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What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"? Iron Man is a Marvel superhero. Iron Woman is a verbal command from the old days.

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What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby? One takes a snap, the other takes a nap.

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What's the easiest way to identify a bald eagle? He will be the one wearing the bad-looking comb-over or a cheap toupee.

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When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor.”.

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When did they find water on the moon? When it was waning!

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When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.

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When does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn!

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When does a regular joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent!

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When I die, I'm thinking of leaving my body to science fiction.

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When I got home from work today I found my kids were still on Ebay. If they are still there tomorrow, I will lower the price.

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When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?” I said, “No, not particularly.”

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When I placed my order at a fast-food restaurant yesterday, I asked the young lady at the counter for a baked potato with butter on the side. She looked at me rather strangely and asked, “Ok but which side?”

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When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. Eventually, I was an only child.

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When I was just out of college, I lost my job as an internet thief. Seem that I just couldn’t hack it!

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When I woke up this morning, my wife asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes".

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When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

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When is the earliest that ducks get up? At the "quack" of dawn.

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When Mozart died, they played his music backwards at his funeral to prove he was "de-composing".

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When my friends ask what I do working from home, I tell them I work undercover because I stay wrapped in a blanket.

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When taking photos of the Brie, Cheddar, Swiss, etc., the photographer jokingly said... "When I tell a joke about cheese, it’s usually a pretty GOUDA one"!

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When the couple relaxed in the spa’s hot springs, the experience was… “AAH” INSPIRING!

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When the jogger saw the fitness watch on sale could track her distance, blood pressure and pulse, she bought it... "IN A HEARTBEAT"

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When the twins found a “Fantastic Four #1” comic book, they... "MARVELED AT IT!"

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When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

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When you go out to eat and you wait for your waiter, do you become a waiter?

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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey... You know she's a keeper!

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Whenever I go into Subway, I always order a club sandwich. However, I always feel guilty about it because I've never really joined the club and I wonder how much longer I can get away with it.

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Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.

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Whenever my Dad puts the car in reverse he always says, "Ah! This takes me back!"

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Whenever you get a bad sausage, it's just the wurst.

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Where can you buy soup in bulk? At the stock market.

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Where did the lettuce go for a drink? The salad bar.

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Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform? New Jersey.

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Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.

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Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!

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Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing? At a meatball.

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Where do horses live? In the neighhhhh-bour-hood.

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Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

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Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores!

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Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank.

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Where do roses sleep at night? In their flowerbed!

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Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

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Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.

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Where does the general put his armies? In his sleevies.

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Which month of the year has 28 days? ALL of them!

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Which side of the chicken has the most feathers? The OUTSIDE!

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Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.

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Who cleans the ocean? Mer-maids!

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Who is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you! You have my Word!

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Why are chemists great at solving problems? Because they have all the solutions!

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Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They are always dropping their needles.

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Why are construction workers great at parties? They always raise the roof.

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Why are elephants afraid to use their computers? Because they are afraid of the mouse.

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Why are elephants so wrinkly? Because it's so hard to iron them!

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Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on many levels!

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Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!

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Why are goods delivered by ship called 'cargo' and goods delivered by car called a 'shipment'?

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Why are mice afraid of swimming? Because of all the catfish!

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Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!

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Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.

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Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die? They dilate!

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Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web!

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Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed.

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Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.

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Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet koala-fications.

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Why can’t someone have a nose that is 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

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Why can’t the leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.

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Why can’t you play hockey with pigs? They always hog the puck.

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Why can’t you put two half-dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a hole, and your money will fall out!

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Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because his bill would be astronomical!

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Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

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Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.

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Why can't pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.

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Why can't you trust the king of the jungle? Because he's always a lion to you.

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Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he always got lost at “C.”

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Why couldn’t the tree get on his computer? Because he could not log on.

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Why couldn't the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

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Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking? He was on a roll.

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Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!

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Why did Shakespeare always write with a quill pen? Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?

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Why did the astronaut have so much trouble focusing late in the day? He was kind of spaced out.

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Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t "peeling" well.

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Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey.

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Why did the broom decide to go to bed? It was very sweepy!

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Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.

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Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

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Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.

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Why did the coffee go to the police? To report a mugging!

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Why did the computer get mad at the printer? Because it didn’t like its toner voice.

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Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crumby.

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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one.

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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He just couldn't see himself doing it!

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Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.

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Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired? He had a hard drive.

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Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn’t like it when he went the extra mile.

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Why did the teenager stock up on baker's yeast? He wanted to make some dough.

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Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

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Why did the tree take up a hobby? It wanted to branch out.

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Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove it wasn't chicken!

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Why did the turkey join a band? So he could use his drumsticks.

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Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum? It was just collecting dust.

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Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

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Why didn't the husband report his credit card was stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out man!

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Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

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Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.

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Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

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Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

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Why do ducks make such good comedians? Because they always "quack" people up.

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Why do electricians never lie? Because they pride themselves on being grounded.

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Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.

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Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words!

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Why do only some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

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Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

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Why do people say "no offense" right before they say something very offensive?

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Why do people say they "slept like a baby" when a baby wakes up every two hours crying and wetting themselves?

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Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.

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Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

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Why do some chickens go outside when it's raining? Because they love "fowl" weather.

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Why do trees get emotional in spring? They always feel a little sappy.

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Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs? They’re afraid of the stakeholders.

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Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon? Should we say we "cook" cookies and "bake" bacon?

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Why do we call a structure a "building" if it's ALREADY built? Shouldn't we just call it a "BUILT"?

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Why do we call apartments "apartments" when they are all stucked together? Why don't we call them "stucks"?

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Why do we put garbage in a garbage can but we put trash in a trash can? Aren't those the same thing?

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Why do we say "fat chance" and "slim chance" if we don't think something is actually going to happen?

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Why do we say something is "awful" (meaning it is "terrible"), when it is actually "full of awe" (since "awe" means "good")?

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Why do we say something is "out of the blue", when there's nothing in a clear blue sky?

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Why do we say we "wake up" in the middle of the night but we say we "get up" in the morning? Shouldn't we say we "get up" in the middle of the night and "wake up" in the morning?

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Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.

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Why do whales live in salt water? Because pepper water would make them sneeze!

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Why do you have to be careful when it rains cats and dogs? So you don't step in a poodle.

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Why do you need to watch what you say around egg whites? It's because they can't take a YOLK!

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Why does "Instant Rice" take 5 minutes to cook? If it was "instant", wouldn't it already be ready?

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Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo drizzle.

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Why does someone say, "Fill out this form" when they actually mean to fill IN the form?

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Why doesn't Apple start making cars? They wouldn't be able to include Windows.

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Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Because he's a pain in the neck.

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Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt? Because it’s a big waist of space!

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Why don’t bananas ever feel lonely? Because they all hang out in bunches.

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Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

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Why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net.

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Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

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Why is a calendar so sad? Because its days are numbered.

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Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.

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Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.

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Why is it a bad idea to play poker in the jungle? Because there are waaay too many cheetahs!

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Why is it cold on Christmas? Because it’s in Decembrrrrr!

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Why is it hard to eat near basketball players? They dribble all the time.

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Why is it that if we say a house burns up, it actually burns down?

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Why is it that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

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Why is it that when you send something by car, it’s called a "shipment", but if you send it by ship, it’s called "cargo"?

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Why is Peter Pan always flying around everywhere? Because he’s from "Never, Never Land"!

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Why is Roger's name is pronounced "Roger" but Kroger's is not pronounced "K-Roger's".

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Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.

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Why is that picture in jail? Because it was framed.

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Why is the cow always smiling? Because it's in a good mooood!

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Why is the letter W called "double-U" when it is actually two V's put together?

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Why is the math book always so sad? Because it has so many problems.

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Why is the undertaker your best friend? He's the last to let you down.

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Why is there Braille on a bank's drive-through ATM's? Are they expecting blind people to drive up and use them?

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Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door? In case there's a salad dressing.

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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better!

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Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

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Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? Because there are too many ears listening!

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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen? Because it’s pointless.

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Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball!

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Why was the broom late to work? It over-swept.

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Why was the fish’s grades bad? They were below sea level.

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Why was the politician out of breath in the middle of a 5K? Because he was running for office!

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Why was the skeleton rejected as an organ donor? He just didn't have the guts for it!

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Why was the strawberry so sad? Because he found himself in a jam!

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Yesterday I found a wooden shoe in my toilet. It was clogged!

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Yesterday, I lost my job at the bank. An old man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

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Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

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Yesterday, I went to the general store but I didn't buy anything specific.

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You know what they say about a clean desk: It’s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

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You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

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Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.

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WilsonHelps.org

CORNY DAD JOKES