Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list, and now I can't read what else is on it.
~ ~ ~
Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the dishwater.
~ ~ ~
Mom keeps asking why I have so much candy. She doesn't know I always keep a few Twix up my sleeve.
~ ~ ~
Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
~ ~ ~
Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.
~ ~ ~
Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penneless.
~ ~ ~
Mom: How did you finally get our son to mow the lawn? Dad: He asked me to borrow the car for his date to the dance tonight and I told him I’d lost keys in the grass but if he could find them, then he can borrow the car.
~ ~ ~
Mondays make me sad, but 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
~ ~ ~
Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.
~ ~ ~
Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas.
~ ~ ~
My aunt lost her job as a math teacher. She said it was the same job that she had since 2000 and now that's 46 years of her life down the drain!
~ ~ ~
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. So who is the real winner here?
~ ~ ~
My boss told me to “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So went today I'm going into the office as Batman.
~ ~ ~
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
~ ~ ~
My boss wanted me to start our work presentation with a joke. So I used my paycheck as the first slide.
~ ~ ~
My brother just lost my job as an electrician. He was shocked!
~ ~ ~
My brother-in law lost his job as a garbage collector. He had no training but he thought he could pick it up as he went along.
~ ~ ~
My cousin lost her job in pool maintenance. She said it was too draining.
~ ~ ~
My dog is a genius. I asked him, "What's two minus two?" He said nothing.
~ ~ ~
My dream job is to sell bathroom mirrors because that's a job I can really see myself in.
~ ~ ~
My father-in-law lost his job as a fisherman. He said there just wasn't enough net income.
~ ~ ~
My friend couldn't pay his water bill, so I sent him a "get well soon" card.
~ ~ ~
My memory has gotten so bad it has almost caused me to lose my job. Thank goodness I’m still employed but I just can’t remember where!
~ ~ ~
My mother-in-law lost her job as a baker. It's too bad because she really kneaded the dough!
~ ~ ~
My niece calls me her "Uncle Ankles". I call her my Knees.
~ ~ ~
My sister lost her job as a psychic. See said she didn't see it coming!
~ ~ ~
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Well, just you wait!”
~ ~ ~
My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.
~ ~ ~
My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25 cents apiece. Everyone called him Quarter Roy.
~ ~ ~
My uncle lost his job as a human cannonball. Yep! You guessed it! They fired him!
~ ~ ~
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. But I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up."
~ ~ ~
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
~ ~ ~
My wife just got a new job at the grease factory. Now, I can't ever get hold of her.
~ ~ ~
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. I told here that would be a big step forward.
~ ~ ~
Once Dolly Parton was asked if she was offended by blonde jokes. She replied, "No, I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.”
~ ~ ~
Once I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
~ ~ ~
Our choir director was planning to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he said he couldn't because was just too baroque.
~ ~ ~
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
~ ~ ~
Our neighbors just got 2 dogs and they said they are going to name them "Timex" and "Rolex". They are going to be their new watchdogs.
~ ~ ~
RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.
~ ~ ~
Shucks! I've lost another electron. Boy, you really have to keep an ion them!
~ ~ ~
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
~ ~ ~
Somebody once told me, "Follow your dreams!" So I said "Great advice!!" And then I went back to bed.
~ ~ ~
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
~ ~ ~
That's a good thing.
~ ~ ~
The best way for the electricians to install so many outlets was to keep plugging away at it.
~ ~ ~
The burglar who broke into the addition while it was being built fell into the wet cement and now the police have concrete evidence!
~ ~ ~
The company couldn’t make a profit selling origami, so the business folded.
~ ~ ~
The diner inquired of the server, "What flavors of ice cream do you have?" "We have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," the server answered in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the diner asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." the server answered with some effort, "We only have vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
~ ~ ~
The Flat Earth Society just announced they now have one million members around the globe.
~ ~ ~
The grizzly packed lightly for his trip because he wanted to take the... "BEAR MINIMUM"
~ ~ ~
The guy who had his gall bladder removed thought it was funny because it left him in stitches.
~ ~ ~
The man who came up with the concept of wind chill has died. He was 86. But he felt like 75.
~ ~ ~
The man who invented throat lozenges died last week but he had insisted there was to be no coffin at his funeral.
~ ~ ~
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it I found that all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how disappointed I am!
~ ~ ~
The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I was able to escape when I went right for the juggler.
~ ~ ~
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the heck did my roof go?"
~ ~ ~
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me while I was browsing their selections so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine! Suit yourself!
~ ~ ~
The teacher said to her class, "Children, there will be only a half-day of school this morning." Little Johnny shouted, "Whoopee! Hurray!" Then the eacher said, "Be quiet Little Johnny! We'll have the other half this afternoon."
~ ~ ~
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
~ ~ ~
This morning, I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high on her forehead. She looked so surprised!
~ ~ ~
This Summer all my fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them enough.
~ ~ ~
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
~ ~ ~
To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.
~ ~ ~
To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it! I will find you! You have my Word!
~ ~ ~
To the person who stole my bed: I won't rest until I find you.
~ ~ ~
To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you're happy now.
~ ~ ~
To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your loved ones.
~ ~ ~
To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.
~ ~ ~
To the person who stole my limbo stick: That was a new low.
~ ~ ~
To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.
~ ~ ~
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.
~ ~ ~
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Do ou have any idea how to drive this thing?”
~ ~ ~
Two friends met on the street after not having seen each other for some time. One of them was on crutches. "Hello!" said the other man. "Why are you on crutches?" "Car accident," said the man on crutches. "When did that happen?" "Oh, about six weeks ago." "And you still have to be on crutches?" "Well, my doctor says I could get along without them. But my lawyer says I can't."
~ ~ ~
Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.
~ ~ ~
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, "Do you have a favorite song?" The other replies, "Well... all my life I have been a heavy metal fan."
~ ~ ~
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.
~ ~ ~
Watch what you say around the egg whites. They can't take a yolk.
~ ~ ~
We told the contractor who was doing our whole-house renovation over and over again not to carpet our steps…. But he just kept giving us blank stairs!
~ ~ ~
We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.
~ ~ ~
What are spiders really good at? Surfing the web.
~ ~ ~
What classical ballet did the pig pen perform? Swine Lake.
~ ~ ~
What day of the week is an egg’s least favorite? Fry-day.
~ ~ ~
What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Hey Mom, where's Pop Corn?
~ ~ ~
What did one boat say to the other boat? Are you interested in a little row-mance?
~ ~ ~
What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I'm going on ahead.
~ ~ ~
What did one pickle say to the other who was about to go on the hamburger? Sorry but you'll just have to "dill" with it.
~ ~ ~
What did one plate say to the other? Dinner is on me!
~ ~ ~
What did one toilet say to another? You look flushed.
~ ~ ~
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
~ ~ ~
What did the bandleader call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
~ ~ ~
What did the beaver say to the tree? “It’s been nice gnawing you.”
~ ~ ~
What did the bison say to his son when he left the ranch? Good bi-son.
~ ~ ~
What did the cake say to the fork? So, you want a piece of me?
~ ~ ~
What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
~ ~ ~
What did the dentist win at the competition? A little plaque.
~ ~ ~
What did the doctor say to the panicked man who was afraid he was shrinking? Settle down — you'll have to learn to be a little patient!
~ ~ ~
What did the electrician say when he walked in the room and turned on the light? He said, "Hey there, watt’s going on?”
~ ~ ~
What did the fisherman in New Hampshire say to the magician? “Pick a cod, any cod.”
~ ~ ~
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Hey! Give me my quarterback!
~ ~ ~
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, It just wined a little.
~ ~ ~
What did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!
~ ~ ~
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet and spread his arms wide? Supplies!
~ ~ ~
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells!
~ ~ ~
What did the lettuce say to the celery? Hey! Quit stalking me!
~ ~ ~
What did the lettuce say to the celery? Quit stalking me!
~ ~ ~
What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler than you.
~ ~ ~
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? It's time to go to sweep.
~ ~ ~
What did the nearsighted optometrist say when he was sick? I can’t see myself coming in today.
~ ~ ~
What did the nut say to the other nut in a game of tag? Imma cashew!
~ ~ ~
What did the police officer say to his belly-button under his bulletproof vest? Hold it right there! You’re under a VEST!
~ ~ ~
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish? Hey! This tastes a little funny.
~ ~ ~
What did the skillet eat on its birthday? Pan-cakes.
~ ~ ~
What did the supervisor say to the calendar? Your days are numbered.
~ ~ ~
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
~ ~ ~
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Come on! Ketchup!
~ ~ ~
What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless.
~ ~ ~
What did the vet say to the cat? How are you feline?
~ ~ ~
What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he was fired? Oh snap!
~ ~ ~
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
~ ~ ~
What do astronauts do when they get cold? They turn on a space heater!
~ ~ ~
What do call a criminal landing an airplane? "Con-descending".
~ ~ ~
What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunder pants!
~ ~ ~
What do cows read the most? Cattle-logs.
~ ~ ~
What do elves learn in school? The elf-a-bet.
~ ~ ~
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
~ ~ ~
What do mermaids use to wash their fins? They use Tide.
~ ~ ~
What do nuts say when they have a cold? Cash-ews!
~ ~ ~
What do PHD students eat when they're hungry? Academia nuts.
~ ~ ~
What do they call the boss at Old McDonald’s farm? C-I-E-I-O.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybee.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a beehive with no exit? Un-bee-liev-able!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a cat at the beach at Christmas? Sandy Claws!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a chicken that is staring at a bowl of lettuce with croutons on top? Chicken sees a salad.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a chicken that makes jokes? A comedi-hen.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? "Eileen"!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case? Sheer Luck Holmes.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a dinosaur that is snoozing away? A "dino-snore".
~ ~ ~
What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller? Spot!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a factory that makes excellent products? A satis-factory.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? So-fish-ticated.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a flying nun? A bird? A plane? Nope, nun of the above.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a goat who paints pictures? Vincent Van Goat!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Miss-issippi!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a huge pile of cats? A meow-ntain.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a musical bear? A bear-i-tone.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a patronizing bear? A pan-duh.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a retired legume? A has-bean.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a robot that always takes the longest route to get somewhere? R2-Detour.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba-Ba.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head? A-Dell.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a skeleton with only a head? A nobody.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a snowman on a hot day? A puddle.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
~ ~ ~
What do you call a tiny psychic who just robbed a bank? A small medium at large.
~ ~ ~
What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.
~ ~ ~
What do you call an alligator who is a detective? An investi-gator!
~ ~ ~
What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.
~ ~ ~
What do you call an elderly father with three daughters named Sara? A Tri-Sarah-Pops.
~ ~ ~
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irr-elephant.
~ ~ ~
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad!
~ ~ ~
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
~ ~ ~
What do you call phony spaghetti? Im-pasta.
~ ~ ~
What do you call someone who is happy on Mondays? Retired!
~ ~ ~
What do you call the person who graduates last place from medical school? You call them "DOCTOR"!
~ ~ ~
What do you call the security guards who work at the Samsung factory? They are called the Guardians of the Galaxy.
~ ~ ~
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
~ ~ ~
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
~ ~ ~
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks.
~ ~ ~
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar? A little walkie-talkie.
~ ~ ~
What do you give to cure a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
~ ~ ~
What do you say when Dwayne Johnson buys something to cut with? Rock pay-for scissors.
~ ~ ~
What do you say when your favorite smoke shop is replaced by a J. Crew? Clothes, but no cigar!
~ ~ ~
What does a baby computer call its father? Data!
~ ~ ~
What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!
~ ~ ~
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back for seconds.
~ ~ ~
What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow! Who's there?
~ ~ ~
What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong? Well, it figures!
~ ~ ~
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
~ ~ ~
What does a pig use in the shower? Hog wash.
~ ~ ~
What does a sports fan have in common with an angry chicken? A foul mouth.
~ ~ ~
What does a spy do when he is cold? He goes undercover.
~ ~ ~
What does corn say when it gets a compliment? Aw, shucks!
~ ~ ~
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
~ ~ ~
What does the world’s top dentist get? A little plaque.
~ ~ ~
What family does the zebra belong to? I don't know because none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.
~ ~ ~
What food is never on time? Choco-late!
~ ~ ~
What goes up and down but doesn’t move? Stairs.
~ ~ ~
What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested? They gave him a tough sentence.
~ ~ ~
What happened when two slices of bread went on a date? It was loaf at first sight.
~ ~ ~
What happens if you scare someone half to death two times in a row?
~ ~ ~
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
~ ~ ~
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.
~ ~ ~
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
~ ~ ~
What has more letters than the alphabet? The post office!
~ ~ ~
What is a flea’s favorite way to travel? By “itch hiking”.
~ ~ ~
What is a pirate's favorite letter in the alphabet? it's the letter "ARRRR"!
~ ~ ~
What is a rabbit's favorite way to travel by air for "short hops? They take American "Hare-lines".
~ ~ ~
What is a tree's least favorite month? Sep-TIMBER!
~ ~ ~
What is it called when you have too many aliens? Extra-terrestrials.
~ ~ ~
What is Santa’s favorite state to visit? Ida Ho Ho Ho!
~ ~ ~
What is the best present for a kid? Broken drums! You just can't beat them.
~ ~ ~
What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano. What about the glue? I'm still stuck on that one.
~ ~ ~
What is the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.
~ ~ ~
What is the favorite fruit of twins? Pears.
~ ~ ~
What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment? Tooth-hurty!
~ ~ ~
What job did the frog have at the hotel? He was a BELLHOP!
~ ~ ~
What kind of bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!
~ ~ ~
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolks-wagen!
~ ~ ~
What kind of dog is the best for telling time? A watchdog, of course!
~ ~ ~
What kind of duck steals from you when you're in your bathtub? A "robber duckie".
~ ~ ~
What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Starfish.
~ ~ ~
What kind of jacket does an octopus wear? An army jacket.
~ ~ ~
What kind of music do balloons like? POP music!
~ ~ ~
What kind of music do planets like? Nep-tunes.
~ ~ ~
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
~ ~ ~
What kind of shoes to frogs wear? Open-toad sandals.
~ ~ ~
What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality!
~ ~ ~
What kind of tree can fit in the palm of your hand? A palm tree!
~ ~ ~
What language do hogs speak? Pig Latin.
~ ~ ~
What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
~ ~ ~
What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.
~ ~ ~
What side of a tree grows the most branches? The outside!
~ ~ ~
What social events do spiders love to attend? They love to go to "webbings".
~ ~ ~
What state is known for its tiny beverages? Minne-sota!
~ ~ ~
What vegetables are a sailor’s enemies? Leeks!
~ ~ ~
What was the man from DC charged with after throwing a sandwich at an FBI agent? Assault with a deli weapon.
~ ~ ~
What was the name of the classical ballet the pig performed at her dance recital? It was "Swine Lake".
~ ~ ~
What was the name of the guy who was really loud at the football game last night? His name was Mike Ra-phone.
~ ~ ~
What would bears be without bees? Ears.
~ ~ ~
What would you call a peanut in space? An astro-nut.
~ ~ ~
What’s a cow’s favorite Friday night spot? The mooooooovies.
~ ~ ~
What’s a firefly’s favorite dance? The glitterbug!
~ ~ ~
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
~ ~ ~
What’s scarier than Friday the 13th? Monday the 16th.
~ ~ ~
What’s small and red and has a rough voice? A hoarse raddish!
~ ~ ~
What’s the best part about teamwork? There's always someone else to blame.
~ ~ ~
What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? Live stream it!
~ ~ ~
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
~ ~ ~
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires a "tweetment" and the other requires some "oinkment".
~ ~ ~
What’s the problem with unemployment jokes? None of them work.
~ ~ ~
What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!
~ ~ ~
What’s the spookiest kind of author? A ghost writer.
~ ~ ~
What's a robot's favorite snack? Computer chips.
~ ~ ~
What's a skeleton's favorite type of road? A dead end.
~ ~ ~
What's an astronaut's favorite board game? Moon-opoly
~ ~ ~
What's the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
~ ~ ~
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
~ ~ ~
What's the best way to save your dad jokes? In a da-da base.
~ ~ ~
What's the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"? Iron Man" is a Marvel superhero. "Iron Woman" is a verbal command from the old days.
~ ~ ~
What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby? One takes a snap, the other takes a nap.
~ ~ ~
What's the easiest way to identify a bald eagle? He will be the one wearing the bad-looking comb-over or a cheap toupee.
~ ~ ~
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor.”.
~ ~ ~
When did they find water on the moon? When it was waning!
~ ~ ~
When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.
~ ~ ~
When does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn!
~ ~ ~
When does a regular joke become a “dad joke?” When it becomes apparent!
~ ~ ~
When I got home from work today I found my kids were still on Ebay. If they are still there tomorrow, I will lower the price.
~ ~ ~
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?” I said, “No, not particularly.”.
~ ~ ~
When I placed my order at a fast-food restaurant yesterday, I asked the young lady at the counter for a baked potato with butter on the side. She looked at me rather strangely and asked, “Ok but which side?”
~ ~ ~
When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. Eventually, I was an only child.
~ ~ ~
When I was just out of college, I lost my job as an internet thief. Seem that I just couldn’t hack it!
~ ~ ~
When I woke up this morning, my wife asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes".
~ ~ ~
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
~ ~ ~
When is the earliest that ducks get up? At the "quack" of dawn.
~ ~ ~
When Mozart died, they played his music backwards at his funeral to prove he was "de-composing".
~ ~ ~
When my friends ask what I do working from home, I tell them I work undercover because I stay wrapped in a blanket.
~ ~ ~
When taking photos of the Brie, Cheddar, Swiss, etc., the photographer jokingly said... "When I tell a joke about cheese, it’s usually a pretty GOUDA one"!
~ ~ ~
When the couple relaxed in the spa’s hot springs, the experience was... “AAH” INSPIRING!
~ ~ ~
When the jogger saw the fitness watch on sale could track her distance, blood pressure and pulse, she bought it... "IN A HEARTBEAT"
~ ~ ~
When the twins found a “Fantastic Four #1” comic book, they... "MARVELED AT IT!"
~ ~ ~
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
~ ~ ~
When you go out to eat and you wait for your waiter, do you become a waiter?
~ ~ ~
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey... You know she's a keeper!
~ ~ ~
Whenever I go into Subway, I always order a club sandwich. However, I always feel guilty about it because I've never really joined the club and I wonder how much longer I can get away with it.
~ ~ ~
Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
~ ~ ~
Whenever my Dad puts the car in reverse he always says, "Ah! This takes me back!"
~ ~ ~
Whenever you get a bad sausage, it's just the wurst.
~ ~ ~
Where can you buy soup in bulk? At the stock market.
~ ~ ~
Where did the lettuce go for a drink? The salad bar.
~ ~ ~
Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform? New Jersey.
~ ~ ~
Where do boats go when they're sick? To the boat doc.
~ ~ ~
Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is!
~ ~ ~
Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing? At a meatball.
~ ~ ~
Where do horses live? In the neighhhhh-bour-hood.
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Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
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Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores!
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Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank.
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Where do roses sleep at night? In their flowerbed!
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Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
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Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
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Where does the general put his armies? In his sleevies.
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Which month of the year has 28 days? ALL of them!
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Which side of the chicken has the most feathers? The OUTSIDE!
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Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
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Who cleans the ocean? Mer-maids!
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Who is green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
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Who is responsible for cleaning the ocean? The mer-maids!
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you! You have my Word!.
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Why are chemists great at solving problems? Because they have all the solutions!
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Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They are always dropping their needles.
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Why are construction workers great at parties? They always raise the roof.
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Why are elephants afraid to use their computers? Because they are afraid of the mouse.
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Why are elephants so wrinkly? Because it's so hard to iron them!
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Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on many levels!
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Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
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Why are goods delivered by ship called 'cargo' and goods delivered by car called a 'shipment'?
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Why are mice afraid of swimming? Because of all the catfish!
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Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
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Why are piggy banks so wise? They're filled with common cents.
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Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die? They dilate!
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Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web!
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Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they’re always stuffed.
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Why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.
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Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet koala-fications.
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Why can’t someone have a nose that is 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
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Why can’t the leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
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Why can’t you play hockey with pigs? They always hog the puck.
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Why can’t you put two half-dollars in your pocket? Because two halves make a hole, and your money will fall out!
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Why can’t you send a duck to space? Because his bill would be astronomical!
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Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
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Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.
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Why can't pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.
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Why can't you trust the king of the jungle? Because he's always a lion to you.
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Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet? Because he always got lost at “C.”
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Why couldn’t the tree get on his computer? Because he could not log on.
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Why couldn't the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
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Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking? He was on a roll.
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Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
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Why did Shakespeare always write with a quill pen? Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?
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Why did the astronaut have so much trouble focusing late in the day? He was kind of spaced out.
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Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t "peeling" well.
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Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey.
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Why did the broom decide to go to bed? It was very sweepy!
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Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
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Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
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Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.
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Why did the coffee go to the police? To report a mugging!
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Why did the computer get mad at the printer? Because it didn’t like its toner voice.
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crumby.
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole-in-one.
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He just couldn't see himself doing it!
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Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.
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Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired? He had a hard drive.
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Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn’t like it when he went the extra mile.
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Why did the teenager stock up on baker's yeast? He wanted to make some dough.
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Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
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Why did the tree take up a hobby? It wanted to branch out.
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Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove it wasn't chicken!
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Why did the turkey join a band? So he could use his drumsticks.
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Why did you decide to get rid of your vacuum? It was just collecting dust.
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Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
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Why didn't the husband report his credit card was stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife.
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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out man!
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Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
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Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn't have the guts.
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Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
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Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
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Why do ducks make such good comedians? Because they always "quack" people up.
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Why do electricians never lie? Because they pride themselves on being grounded.
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Why do ghosts like to take the elevator? It lifts their spirits.
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Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words!
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Why do only some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
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Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.
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Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
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Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
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Why do some chickens go outside when it's raining? Because they love "fowl" weather.
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Why do trees get emotional in spring? They always feel a little sappy.
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Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs? They’re afraid of the stakeholders.
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Why do we call apartments "apartments" when they are all stucked together? Why don't we call them "stucks"?
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Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
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Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.
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Why do whales live in salt water? Because pepper water would make them sneeze!
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Why do you have to be careful when it rains cats and dogs? So you don't step in a poodle.
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Why do you need to watch what you say around egg whites? It's because they can't take a YOLK!
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Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
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Why doesn't Apple start making cars? They wouldn't be able to include Windows.
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Why doesn't Dracula have any friends? Because he's a pain in the neck.
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Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt? Because it’s a big waist of space!
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Why don’t bananas ever feel lonely? Because they all hang out in bunches.
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Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
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Why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net.
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Why is a calendar so sad? Because its days are numbered.
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Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.
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Why is grass so dangerous? Because it’s full of blades.
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Why is it a bad idea to play poker in the jungle? Because there are waaay too many cheetahs!
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Why is it cold on Christmas? Because it’s in Decembrrrrr!
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Why is it hard to eat near basketball players? They dribble all the time.
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Why is it that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
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Why is it we cook bacon and bake cookies?
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Why is Peter Pan always flying around everywhere? Because he’s from "Never, Never Land"!
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Why is Roger's name is pronounced "Roger" but Kroger's is not pronounced "K-Roger's".
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Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.
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Why is that if you send something by a car it's a shipment but if you send something by ship it's cargo?
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Why is that picture in jail? Because it was framed.
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Why is the cow always smiling? Because it's in a good mooood!
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Why is the math book always so sad? Because it has so many problems.
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Why is the undertaker your best friend? He's the last to let you down.
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Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door? In case there's a salad dressing.
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better!
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Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
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Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? Because there are too many ears listening!
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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen? Because it’s pointless.
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Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball!
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Why was the broom late to work? It over-swept.
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Why was the fish’s grades bad? They were below sea level.
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Why was the politician out of breath in the middle of a 5K? Because he was running for office!
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Why was the strawberry so sad? Because he found himself in a jam!
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Yesterday I found a wooden shoe in my toilet. It was clogged!
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Yesterday, I lost my job at the bank. An old man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.
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Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
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You know what they say about a clean desk: It’s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
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You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.
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Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.
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