What did the old horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!"
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What did the orchestra leader and his wife name their new twin daughters? "Anna 1, Anna 2"!
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Weeds had started cropping up in a couple's garden so they were trying to... "ROOT OUT THE PROBLEM"
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A man sees a casket with his name on it rolling toward him so he runs into a drug store and buys a bottle of cough syrup because he knows it's the best way to stop his coffin!
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The deer family member hung out with his smaller cousins until he... "HAD TO VA-MOOSE"
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Until a couple's new house was built on their vacant lot, it was just a... “SITE TO SEE"
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The company couldn’t make a profit selling origami, so the... "BUSINESS FOLDED"
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Why did the turkey cross the road twice? To prove it wasn't chicken!
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Do you know what is the official dance of Thanksgiving? It’s “The Turkey Trot"!
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The U.S. Mint debuted the Lincoln Penny on the centennial of his birth because... "IT MADE CENTS”
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How do you make a waterbed have more bounce?
Add some “spring water” to it.
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What job did the frog have at the hotel?
He was their head bellhop.
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What do you call a blind dinosaur? A "do-you-think-he-saw-us"?
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Which side of the chicken has the most feathers? The OUTSIDE!
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To avoid helping clean up, the mallard decided to... "DUCK OUT"
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
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When is the earliest that ducks get up? At the "quack" of dawn.
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I always thought my neighbors were nice people...
but they keep changing the password on their Wi-Fi!
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What did the cake say to the fork?
So, you want a piece of me?
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What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Hey! Give me my quarterback!
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Why are elephants so wrinkly? Because it's so hard to iron them!
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Unable to perform the perfect drum solo, the toddler... "THREW A PANTRUM"
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What do you call the person who graduates last place from medical school? You call them "DOCTOR"!
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When the caveman, Alley Oop, gets hungry, he makes himself a... "CLUB SANDWICH"
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Every morning I get hit by the same bike! Really? Yes, it's a vicious cycle!
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I tried going to barber school but I just couldn't "cut it". I think it might have been a "clip" joint!
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He threw four interceptions but didn't... "PASS THE BUCK"
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Every time my wife and I have an argument she gets "historical"! Don't you mean "hysterical"? Oh, she also gets "hysterical" alright! But when I say she gets "historical", I mean she reminds me of everything I've ever done wrong!
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To get a spot on her owner's lap, the cat used... "PURR-SUASION"
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Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t "peeling" well.
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I quit my job at the shoe repair shop because I wasn't a good "fit"! I just couldn't put my "sole" into it! Or perhaps I was too "straight laced"!
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The grocery store customers waiting to pay for items formed a... "LINE OF PRODUCTS"
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How can you stay warm in any room no matter how cold it is outside? Go stand in a corner! It’s always 90 degrees!
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I tried being a historian but I just couldn't see a "future" in it!
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The grizzly packed lightly for his trip because he wanted to take the... "BEAR MINIMUM"
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I used to work at a cannon factory but I had to leave when they "fired" me!
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I tried going into medicine but I just didn't have the "patients" for it!
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The pigs who put on a musical loved to... "HAM IT UP"!
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I tried going to barber school but I just couldn't "CUT IT"!
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When it came to being a lead singer Diana Ross was... "SUPREME"
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Why did the teenager stock up on baker's yeast?
He wanted to make some dough.
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How come no one ever invites ravioli to a party?
Because he’s a little square.
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I used to work at a tailor shop but I just wasn't "suited" for it!
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I used to work at a muffler shop, but I had to give it up because it was just too exhausting!
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Why do ducks make such good comedians? Because they always "quack" people up.
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The ghost didn't get along well with others because he was... "MEAN-SPIRITED"
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Our new neighbors have 2 dogs. Their names are "Timex" and "Rolex". They are their watchdogs.
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Why are elephants afraid to use their computers? Because they are afraid of the mouse.
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What do astronauts do when they get cold? They turn on a space heater!
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What kind of dog is the best for telling time? A watchdog, of course!
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Did you hear about the new breed of spiders that are super smart? It's because they are always on the web.
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What kind of bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!
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Why are spiders so smart?
It's because they are always on the web.
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Did you hear what the latest cow emoji is called? It is called... (wait for it)... an "e-mooooo-ji"
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I recently saw a French baguette walking the runway at a fashion show. Apparently, it was a roll model.
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Wife: Did you know in the Bible it says that it’s the husbands’ job to make the coffee in the morning? Husband: What?? No! Where does it say that? Wife: In the New Testament it says “Hebrews”!
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A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where they were frying hamburgers and potato chips. He asked one of them, “Are you the friar?” “No”, the brother said, "I’m the chip monk.”
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Why was the strawberry so sad?
Because he found himself in a jam!
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How did the two cats end their fight?
They hissed and made up.
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What's black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a bad sunburn!
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What is a rabbit's favorite way to travel by air for "short hops? They take American "Hare-lines".
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What did the farmer who raised mallard ducks have for lunch? He had soup and "quackers"!
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What kind of duck steals from you when you're in your bathtub? A "robber duckie".
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Bill: Did you know koalas bears aren’t actual bears?
Phil: Really? Why not?
Bill: Because they don’t meet the “koala-fications”!
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What's the easiest way to identify a bald eagle?
He will be the one wearing the bad-looking comb-over or a cheap toupee.
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Q: What was the name of the classical ballet the pig performed at her dance recital?
A: It was "Swine Lake".
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What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells!
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How did the duck pay for her new lipstick?
She told the clerk, "Just put it on my bill."
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What kind of tree can fit in the palm of your hand?
A palm tree, of course!
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Why was the politician out of breath in the middle of a 5K? Because he was running for office!
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What do you call a dinosaur that is snoozing away?
A "dino-snore".
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Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying around everywhere?
A: Because he’s from "Never, Never Land"!
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What is a rabbit's favorite way to travel?
To go by hare-plane.
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Bill: Why is it a bad idea to play hockey with pigs?
Phil: I give up. Why?
Bill: Because they always hog the puck.
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Q: What is the first thing elves learn when they start school in the first grade?
A: They learn the "elf-a-bet" of course!
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What’s a firefly’s favorite dance?
The glitterbug.
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Where do roses sleep at night?
In their flowerbeds.
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How did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut!
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What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?
58!
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What did the nut say to the other nut in a game of tag?
Imma cashew!
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Why did an old man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!
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Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt?
It’s a big waist of space.
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What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
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Why are peppers the best at archery?
Because they habanero!
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How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It is either one or the udder!
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What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!
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Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don’t know the words!
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Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
They lactose.
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What do you call a chicken that is staring at a lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
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What kind of car does an egg drive?
A yolkswagen.
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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality!
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Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
He was a little shellfish!
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Did you hear about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally!
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When does a duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn!
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What does a baby computer call his father?
Data!
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What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk!
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Why was the bee's hair always sticky?
He used a honeycomb.
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What do you call phony spaghetti?
An im-pasta.
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What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator.
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What vegetables are a sailor’s enemies? Leeks!
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