I'm really tired today. I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
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Yesterday, I looked in a thesaurus for the word "thesaurus". I think I felt the universe shudder a little bit.
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When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. Eventually, I was an only child.
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I was trying to daydream this morning. But my mind kept wandering.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’ and then I'll hook up with them later.
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I'm writing a book this year. I already have the page numbers done. Now, I just have to fill in the rest.
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When you think about it, every book is a children’s book if the child can read.
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My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. Who is the real winner here?
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I remember the day our local candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
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Yesterday, I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one. So I just got a cake and stuck the candles in it.
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Have you ever seen a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I heard there was a power outage at the department store yesterday. They said on the news that 20 people were trapped on the escalators for hours.
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Did you ever think that actually an escalator can never break. It just becomes a set of stairs.
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I think if an escalator breaks you should never see a sign that says, "Temporarily Out Of Order". It should just say, "This Escalator Is Now Just Temporarily Some Stairs. Sorry For The convenience".
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Last month I took my dog for a walk all the way from New York to Florida and back. I said to him "There, now you're done for the rest of your life".
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Eating white rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.
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Whenever I go into Subway, I always order a club sandwich. However, I always feel guilty about it because I've never really joined the club and I wonder how much longer I can get away with it.
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I got food poisoning yesterday but I haven't decided when I'm planning to use it.
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I bought my wife some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrapping Department and ask them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Last Spring, I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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I'm very sad! All my fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them enough.
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I saw a commercial on TV that said, "Forget everything you know about new flooring". So I did, and it was a big load off of my mind.
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I bought a donut yesterday and they gave me a receipt for the donut. However, I told them I didn't need a receipt for the donut. I told them, "I'll just give you the money, and you just give me the donut. End of discussion. We don't need to waste ink and paper on this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut!
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Last week, I bought a king-sized bed. Then I began to think about it. I personally don't know any kings, except for King Charles. However, if he ever came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. I'd tell him, Oh, you're King Charles? Well, you won't believe this but I have a king-size bed! And, guess what? It's to your EXACT specifications!"
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Fred: I’ve invented a car that runs on water.
Ed: Why does it have such huge balloon tires?
Fred: So it can run on water! DUH!
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My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...
As you might have already guessed, my dog is a member of Congress!
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Fred: You know, everyone's heard of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as the ninth reindeer, but many people don't know that there is a tenth one whose name was Olive.
Ned: Olive? Really?
Fred: Oh yeah! You know... "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."
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Bill: Have you been shopping at the mall this Christmas?
Phil: No, it's WAAAAY too crowded! What about you?
Bill: Yeah, I have. And while I was there I saw a spaceman.
Phil: What do you mean you saw a spaceman?
Bill: I was driving around for about 10 minutes and then I saw a space man so I parked in it before anyone else could grab it!
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Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.
Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television.
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The math teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?"
After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left."
The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?
Johnny replied again, "Two left."
Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away."
Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!"
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Patient: Doctor, I'm thinking that I may be losing my hearing.
Doctor: Can you tell me what you know of the symptoms?
Patient: Yes, it's a very popular show on tv. Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair, Bart is a smart alec and Lisa is a sweetheart...
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A man went into a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went into it.
The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"
The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."
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“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
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I caught my son chewing on electrical cords so l had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
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Bob and Rob are golfing, when a bird flies overhead.
"Wow! What a big duck!" Bob says. "That's no duck, it's a goose." Rob says.
"No, it's a duck!" Bob says. "I say it's a goose!" Rob says. And so the argument went. "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!" "Duck!" "Goose!"
Another golfer behind them, playing the hole, yells, "Fore!" and hits the ball.
Bob sees the ball coming and yells, "Duck!"
Rob yells back, "Goose!"
BONK!
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